Word association
I have a number of friends and enemies for that matter that I remember from just a word or phrase. Even people that I havent seen in years come flashing back to me when one of these come up in the adventures that are my everyday life.
Richard - A good guy I met at T-Mobile that will probably be the CEO by 2009. Haven’t seen the guy in like two years though.
Phrases: Shibby. Old Man Wiggles. We are all going to die (said often by myself when in the passenger seat of the subaru from hell). Andy doesn’t really like sushi does he? Did Andy offer you Husky tickets too?
Sam - Another good guy from the hell that was the T-Mob, used to hang with this guy quite a bit, that is until he got a girlfriend and disappeared from normal society (see Succubus).
Phrases: You Bastard. Go Steelers. Jerome Bettis is fat!
Chef Jean: My culinary school chef, a French bastard if there ever was one but he cooked better than any man I have ever known.
Phrases: Your soufflé’ looks good enough to make love to (Probably the biggest compliment Ive ever received)
Steve: My estranged brother was once a fine human but alcohol takes a serious toll and he is living proof and he is only 35.
Phrases: Give me my keys. I negotiated us to move out of our house today. Jagermeister doesnt taste bad. Someone hit me with a crowbar.
John: My neighbor during my teenage years.
Phrases: Don’t touch my puka shells. Ill draft Tony Mandrich. I couldn’t find a condom so I used saran wrap.
Jason: My nemesis going on 20 years, the type of guy that enjoys ruining everyone’s good time.
Phrases: You are the goddamn grinch. I wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on your burning corpse, no I take that back, yes I would.
Katie: Another brainwashed T-Mobile decipal, she was one of the only people I knew there that didn’t seem to have the 10-mile stare. Plus she was fun to talk about sex to because she didn’t really know what she was talking about.
Phrases: Is that the size of your penis? You have a dirty mind! You are so wrong about me, I am a nice girl. Your roommate shaved what?
Annette: T-Mobile hippy of the highest order, perma-fried from all the hash she smoked in the 1960’s, 1970’s, 1980’s, 1990’s …..well you get the picture.
Phrases: I grew up in a rain forest, in Alaska (obviously some really strong hash).
Amy: Split personality of Annette.
Catchphrases: Go fuck yourself! Oh its Bitter Ben. Who asked for your opinion? I am NOT angry!
Greg: The sous chef of the Seattle Golf club who gave me a ride from The ‘Ham to the 206 for 18 straight months.
Phrases: I could go for another round. Who’s this group Mookie Blaylock (later called Pearl Jam) everyone is talking about? Where the fuck is this club? Sunday Brunch is the reason I know there is a hell.
Pat: A cook at the BYC that was so damn hairy he could’ve been mistaken as a Yeti had he been taller.
Phrases: Turn that shit up. I shave my head with a bowie knife. Happy sauce and joy joy juice on this plate.
Steve A: Another BYC cook was always mad because he felt that everything I did was better that what he could do and that I did it on purpose.
Phrases: Are you doing that to piss me off? Im getting sick of your fancy shit. Ill bring the weed if you bring the booze. I bought a new gun.
Jimmy: My line partner for over 3 years. We rocked that line like no one else has or will.
Phrases: My dick itches. Fire that well done strip and then we can take a break. My beef stock has a fan club consisting of horny Asian strippers. Don’t fall asleep on my couch.
Barry: My first Executive Chef, a small man who liked to throw things around when angry.
Phrases: Get out of the way or get hurt. Who the fuck put this here? All of you are stoned aren’t you? You don’t know who the Steve Miller Band is? You’re fucking fired, but finish your shift first.
Roger: My boss when I was doing woodwork 0n yachts for a few summers.
Phrases: You fall off a boat and it will probably hurt. I pay you how much to do this? Your weed is too strong. Keep that voodoo gonga away from me. Mow my lawn before my wife gets home.
Mike M: 10 pounds of asshole in a 5 pound bag, another T-Mobiler.
Phrases: Did your parents have any non-retarded kids? Fuck you. Please wear a hat your head is blinding me.
Mike W: A lifelong T-Mobile man, probably doesnt even realize that he still works there.
Phrases: What? Huh? Who? Where? Why? Lynden doesnt smell that bad. I am now the proud owner of a mini-van, shoot me please. Im sure this is the right way.
Mindy: A woman that I had numerous flings with, never sober.
Phrases: So where are you taking me for dinner? What hotel are we staying at? I need a massage. I could use a pedicure. I don’t have a whiny voice!
Amber: A former Voicestream chica, she had big boobs and tp’d my house one night as bad as it can ever be done.
Phrases: Let me show you my new tattoo. I would never TP your house. (Drunk) Ok I TP’d your house but it was Amy’s idea.
Candy & Mandy: Two Vancouver dancers that would come into the restaurant bar I worked in from time to time.
Phrases: Do you wanna feel my implants? Who’s boobs do you like more? You dont want to know where that dollar bill has been.
Jeff: Neighborhood kid, one year younger than me. Parents were and still are loaded.
Phrases: Your dad won’t miss that bottle of Jack Daniels, he has three of them. Did you just piss yourself? Quit trying to bone my cousin.
Deb: A 5′ 11″ blonde bombshell bartender I worked with for a couple of years.
Phrases: Yes you should go to Hollywood. I think this is a mandatory topless beach. One long island ice tea for you and then two for me. A slippery nipple please, then Ill have a drink.
There are more I’m sure but my ass hurts from sitting on it all day and I need to drop the kids off at the pool so this is goodbye from Unemployed Ben.
