They call me Emeril Lagasse
In my ongoing search of all things culinary I finally nailed down an interview with the person that has single handily changed the culinary landscape. He uses catch phrases, a live band, and a shocking amount of cheese to stimulate the masses into a virtual frenzy that powers his ever-growing corporation. He has written 10 books, opened 9 restaurants, and sells everything from cookware to cutlery to kid sized chef coats on his website. He joined me at my restaurant to share both his wisdom and a bottle of Barenjager which I quickly pour over ice to try and combat the recent heat wave.
Unemployed Ben: Thanks for taking the time to sit down and discuss your place in the industry.
Emeril Lagasse: Oh, Yeah Babe!!!!
Unemployed Ben: First off where do you get your inspiration from?
Emeril Lagasse: BAM!! BAM!!
Unemployed Ben: From the Flintstones?
Emeril Lagasse: Oh yeah, lets kick it up a notch.
Unemployed Ben: What?
Emeril Lagasse: Pork fat RULES!!
Unemployed Ben: I think the pork fat has gone to your head.
Emeril Lagasse: Oh yeah babe.
Unemployed Ben: Are you serious?
Emeril Lagasse: BAM!!! BAM!!!
Unemployed Ben: If you dont stop it I’m going to bam bam your head head into the table table.
Emeril Lagasse: Lets make it happy
Unemployed Ben: Make what happy? Are you a barely functioning retard?
Emeril Lagasse: OK.. now whut wuh gunna do is add some gahhh-lick.
Unemployed Ben: Why do you keep looking around? There are no cameras man, this isnt a tv show, and it sure as hell aint a toothpaste commercial so please stop with the catch phrases.
Emeril Lagasse: (silence)
Unemployed Ben: So what, now the silent treatment?
Emeril Lagasse: (Writes something on a napkin and hands it to me)
Unemployed Ben: (I pick it up and read aloud) You want to use cue cards?
Emeril Lagasse: (Continued silence)
Unemployed Ben: Ok fine, you can use the cue cards.
Emeril Lagasse: (Writes again on a napkin and hands it to me)
Unemployed Ben: You want a band? Are you serious?
Emeril Lagasse: (Writes once again on a napkin and hands it to me)
Unemployed Ben: A calypso band?
Emeril Lagasse: (Writes once more on a napkin and hands it to me)
Unemployed Ben: And a studio audience?
Emeril Lagasse: I wanna kick it up a notch.
Unemployed Ben: First I interview Rocco ‘Johnny Cakes’ DiSpirito and now I get Emeril the fucktard. I need hazard pay for this crap.
Emeril Lagasse: Oh you know Rocco too? That guy has zero gag reflex.
Unemployed Ben: Oh no not again. Please go away…seriously man I cant anymore of this.
Emeril Lagasse: Can I plug my new book ‘The best places to stick my essence’
Unemployed Ben: Oh sweet Jesus, kill me now. (Running for the exit)
Emeril attempts to answer his shoe