Unemployed Ben

Had an interesting day, first I had do go through all the emails defending Rocco DiSpirito. Apparently he has quite a following with the deranged. Let me give you an example of the typical email.

Dear Unemployed Ben
I happen to know Rocco very very well and he is not gay and I know that for a fact. He has a girlfriend and she is just shy, not a celeb type person. Im not sure when you interviewed him but I doubt he said all those things, if so he was probably just kidding. He is very funny. Like the time I went over to his apartment and he was wearing that rubber nurses uniform, that was sooooo funny.

Most people dont seem to getting the whole point of the interview and thats just fine with me, it just solidifies my position that most of you are sheep, most not all. For those of you familiar with the terms sarcasm and hyperbole, then I hope you enjoyed it. If you are one of the other types, please go back to watching Tivo’d American Idol and your Velveeta Hormels Chili dip.

Next part of my day consisted of a MRI. If you have never had one, its kinda a trip. I laid down on what looks to be a long diving board, it has a head cushion like on a massage table. I brought in a CD this time so I got to listen to some Black Crowes while being shoved into a tube via the motorized diving board. The top of the tube is literally 4 or so inches from my nose and is bright white, the MRI tech keeps moving me back and forth apparently trying to find the sweet spot. After about 5 minutes of this the thing turns on and it sounds like a dump truck tipping over its load. It totally drowns out the music so I am not sure of the point really. This goes on and on for 25 more minutes and being in this confined area it begins to dawn on me that this is what it is like to be buried alive. If for some reason this thing broke I doubt I could have gotten out of it without the Jaws of Life.

These are the things going through my head as all I have is this white curved wall as company and the occasional pause in the machine where I hear that yes the CD is still playing. The occasional calming voice in my ears is the tech telling me that I am doing well and that we are almost finished. My guess he has been trained to calm down people that are freaking out at this point. This would be a claustraphobics worst nightmare, my sister being one, needed 3 different appointments before enough sedatives were in her system for her to even look at the machine without immediately running to the corner of the room and getting into the fetal position. Me on the other hand have no real fears or phobias and I even checked to make sure.

Ablutophobia-Fear of washing or bathing (Nope not me, my balls are minty fresh)

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness (Not really, because the dark is where I find my victims)

Barophobia- Fear of gravity (Noda, not even when I cant dunk a basketball)

Botanophobia- Fear of plants (Except those Venus Flytraps of course)

Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women (Havent seen enough of them to be scared)

Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking (Wouldnt this kill you pretty quick?)

Ergophobia- Fear of work (Even though some might disagree)

Hylophobia- Fear of forests (The forest is where I take my victims)

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of having an erect penis (Morning wood is natural baby, now turn over)

Japanophobia- Fear of the Japanese (I respect good clean tuna above all else)

Kolpophobia- Fear of female genitals (Only Ashlee Simpsons)

Lutraphobia- Fear of otters (They mean us no harm….yet)

Menophobia- Fear of menstruation (Only the side effects)

Nephophobia- Fear of clouds (Except those ones that look like Satan)

Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes (Only when they are on a MotherFucking Plane)

Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs (Licking their bellies gets you high)

Selachophobia- Fear of sharks (The jaguar shark is a worthy adversary)

Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism (I fear the pretentious movie geek more)

Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the number 13 (13 monkeys was a helluva flick)

Vitricophobia- Fear of step-fathers (Never had one, never wanted one)

Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft (Nope, I am under their spell)

Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow (Yellow is the new pink)

Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat (More like admiration)

So as I laid there trying to think up a fear or phobia the tech guy said it was all over and then the diving board shot me out back into the real world. I got dressed and headed out the door realizing I was a boring guy not really afraid of much of anything. Fear is a great deterrent, without fear I might as well be a world famous bank robber. Well maybe I should get a car first, fuck that I’ll steal a car and begin a crime spree worthy of Mickey & Mallory. See you on front pages bitches……