Unemployed Ben

I was just minding my own bees wax today when all of a sudden I came across the following word, Patois. I wasn’t sure but it felt to me as if it was the first time I had ever seen the word in its written form. I was pretty confident the ’s’ was silent and then became a little angry that the French have infiltrated the American lexicon again, damn frog-eating bastards. Then I wondered why it was even used in the first place. It was from an Elmore Leonard article on his top ten writing tips and number seven was: Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.

What was the purpose of the word? He had already used the phrase ‘regional dialect’ so what was the point in this redundancy? I was vexed. Why did this celebrated American writer feel the need to reiterate what he was saying with a word of French origin? This man who celebrates Detroit, a blue-collar town, associated himself with a country that hasn’t known military victory since invading Togo. The reason escapes me. Perhaps it made him feel cosmopolitan, or even dainty. I don’t give a rats ass, I want my nations writers to embrace their own language damn it.

Now add to this his use of another word he also used in the article, Hooptedoodle
Definition: A literary word. Hooptedoodle is stuff that gets in the way of a story’s making progress, it is wordy, unnecessary, space-taking, and, typically, should be edited out. Related to balderdash, folderol, flummery, foolishness, and fill; nonsense, prattle, blather, bombast, and baloney.

How interesting that he chose such a rare word in this same short article that shows how superfluous his own use of Patios was. Maybe he was just being ironic. Or maybe I am just an asshole, yep that sounds like the real root of the problem now doesn’t it?

The end result for French frogs

I have a number of friends and enemies for that matter that I remember from just a word or phrase. Even people that I havent seen in years come flashing back to me when one of these come up in the adventures that are my everyday life.

Richard - A good guy I met at T-Mobile that will probably be the CEO by 2009. Haven’t seen the guy in like two years though.
Phrases: Shibby. Old Man Wiggles. We are all going to die (said often by myself when in the passenger seat of the subaru from hell). Andy doesn’t really like sushi does he? Did Andy offer you Husky tickets too?

Sam - Another good guy from the hell that was the T-Mob, used to hang with this guy quite a bit, that is until he got a girlfriend and disappeared from normal society (see Succubus).
Phrases: You Bastard. Go Steelers. Jerome Bettis is fat!

Chef Jean: My culinary school chef, a French bastard if there ever was one but he cooked better than any man I have ever known.
Phrases: Your soufflé’ looks good enough to make love to (Probably the biggest compliment Ive ever received)

Steve: My estranged brother was once a fine human but alcohol takes a serious toll and he is living proof and he is only 35.
Phrases: Give me my keys. I negotiated us to move out of our house today. Jagermeister doesnt taste bad. Someone hit me with a crowbar.

John: My neighbor during my teenage years.
Phrases: Don’t touch my puka shells. Ill draft Tony Mandrich. I couldn’t find a condom so I used saran wrap.

Jason: My nemesis going on 20 years, the type of guy that enjoys ruining everyone’s good time.
Phrases: You are the goddamn grinch. I wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on your burning corpse, no I take that back, yes I would.

Katie: Another brainwashed T-Mobile decipal, she was one of the only people I knew there that didn’t seem to have the 10-mile stare. Plus she was fun to talk about sex to because she didn’t really know what she was talking about.
Phrases: Is that the size of your penis? You have a dirty mind! You are so wrong about me, I am a nice girl. Your roommate shaved what?

Annette: T-Mobile hippy of the highest order, perma-fried from all the hash she smoked in the 1960’s, 1970’s, 1980’s, 1990’s …..well you get the picture.
Phrases: I grew up in a rain forest, in Alaska (obviously some really strong hash).

Amy: Split personality of Annette.
Catchphrases: Go fuck yourself! Oh its Bitter Ben. Who asked for your opinion? I am NOT angry!

Greg: The sous chef of the Seattle Golf club who gave me a ride from The ‘Ham to the 206 for 18 straight months.
Phrases: I could go for another round. Who’s this group Mookie Blaylock (later called Pearl Jam) everyone is talking about? Where the fuck is this club? Sunday Brunch is the reason I know there is a hell.

Pat: A cook at the BYC that was so damn hairy he could’ve been mistaken as a Yeti had he been taller.
Phrases: Turn that shit up. I shave my head with a bowie knife. Happy sauce and joy joy juice on this plate.

Steve A: Another BYC cook was always mad because he felt that everything I did was better that what he could do and that I did it on purpose.
Phrases: Are you doing that to piss me off? Im getting sick of your fancy shit. Ill bring the weed if you bring the booze. I bought a new gun.

Jimmy: My line partner for over 3 years. We rocked that line like no one else has or will.
Phrases: My dick itches. Fire that well done strip and then we can take a break. My beef stock has a fan club consisting of horny Asian strippers. Don’t fall asleep on my couch.

Barry: My first Executive Chef, a small man who liked to throw things around when angry.
Phrases: Get out of the way or get hurt. Who the fuck put this here? All of you are stoned aren’t you? You don’t know who the Steve Miller Band is? You’re fucking fired, but finish your shift first.

Roger: My boss when I was doing woodwork 0n yachts for a few summers.
Phrases: You fall off a boat and it will probably hurt. I pay you how much to do this? Your weed is too strong. Keep that voodoo gonga away from me. Mow my lawn before my wife gets home.

Mike M: 10 pounds of asshole in a 5 pound bag, another T-Mobiler.
Phrases: Did your parents have any non-retarded kids? Fuck you. Please wear a hat your head is blinding me.

Mike W: A lifelong T-Mobile man, probably doesnt even realize that he still works there.
Phrases: What? Huh? Who? Where? Why? Lynden doesnt smell that bad. I am now the proud owner of a mini-van, shoot me please. Im sure this is the right way.

Mindy: A woman that I had numerous flings with, never sober.
Phrases: So where are you taking me for dinner? What hotel are we staying at? I need a massage. I could use a pedicure. I don’t have a whiny voice!

Amber: A former Voicestream chica, she had big boobs and tp’d my house one night as bad as it can ever be done.
Phrases: Let me show you my new tattoo. I would never TP your house. (Drunk) Ok I TP’d your house but it was Amy’s idea.

Candy & Mandy: Two Vancouver dancers that would come into the restaurant bar I worked in from time to time.
Phrases: Do you wanna feel my implants? Who’s boobs do you like more? You dont want to know where that dollar bill has been.

Jeff: Neighborhood kid, one year younger than me. Parents were and still are loaded.
Phrases: Your dad won’t miss that bottle of Jack Daniels, he has three of them. Did you just piss yourself? Quit trying to bone my cousin.

Deb: A 5′ 11″ blonde bombshell bartender I worked with for a couple of years.
Phrases: Yes you should go to Hollywood. I think this is a mandatory topless beach. One long island ice tea for you and then two for me. A slippery nipple please, then Ill have a drink.

There are more I’m sure but my ass hurts from sitting on it all day and I need to drop the kids off at the pool so this is goodbye from Unemployed Ben.

Mostly, this blog is about me sitting here in a crappy cramp room passing judgment on anything and everything I see. It’s all for shit. And by judging the comments it’s obvious that we’ve established that by now. Sometimes, I’m so fucking self-righteous that I make myself sick. I’m sure I make you people sick on occasion as well. Through it all, the one overriding theme has been pretty simple, when in doubt, criticize the living hell out of everyone and everything.

Its easy for me to cast judgments down upon the masses, because from my lofty perch I am always right. Of course my diatribes usually reveal my true lack of knowledge on whatever subject I am writing about. It becomes even more obvious when I start using various four-letter words. This is what the ignorant do, they yell louder and louder until they drown out all opposition.

It hurts when I pee. Damn you bargain basement Canadian hookers!!!

I took my recycling in and scraped up enough cash to buy a decent bottle of wine, a 2004 Estate Erath Pinot Noir, and the ingredients for Steak Au Poivre. For the untrained this is basically a NY strip covered in mashed peppercorns seared and then served with a cognac cream reduction. I had this along side some fingerling potatoes and let me say this IT WAS REALLY FUCKING GOOD. Today was different than yesterday and the day before that and the 300 before them and thats a good thing.

For my mothers birthday on Sunday I will be making my world famous Espresso Creme Brulee’, this is something I havent made in about five years as I get tired of people demanding the recipe after they taste it. It is so good that even I put aside my aversion to eggs. If you are lucky I might take a picture of the final product, that way you can share in my greatness.

Noticing that a few readers are looking away and whistling loudly as they skip past those parts of my blog that make them think I need mental help. I know who you are. Saying under your breath “Ah, look at Unemployed Bens gloomy expression, which seems to be his natural state… like he’s disheartened all the time at the reality he’s inhabiting.”

Well I probably don’t have this expression when masturbating, but I definitely am disheartened by the reality I’m inhabiting.

My current wave of blogging doesn’t indicate that I am not a work in progress, but it does signify that I have reached that wasteland from which certain narratives descend to a certain conclusion. What does that even mean? Fuck if I know. What did you expect from a guy that barely graduated HS and went to a glorified trade school?

Ever had a day where you gained a new perspective or resolve? For me that day wasnt today. Because today was just like yesterday and the day before it and the 300 before them. Nothing changed. It happens not when you want or need it. Benign and even tranquil moments are where you find the things you need. The unusual and the odd wont have the impact of everyday, a day to day existence is all there is and any hopes to the contrary are well you know. It is what it wants to be and nothing more. Watching, hoping, or needing wont change a thing, not a god damn fucking thing.

What a load of pretentious shit that was.

Got my results from my MRI today, I now have more herniated discs than most hall of fame QB’s. I have some fun new conditions to add to the list too, things like paracentral protrusions, facet hypertrophy, schmorl nodes, and bilateral neural foraminal narrowing. Herniations at L1-2 & L3-4 L5 & S1, its starting to sound like a bingo game. L1 once again that is L1…”BINGO” I scream outloud, “what do I win?” A degenerative and arthritic condition for the rest of your life. “Oh that pretty much sucks.”

Me: So how do we treat this?
Doc: Surgery
Me: Six seperate fusions?
Doc: Yes.
Me: That seems pretty evasive.
Doc: It is.
Me: Bone graphs as well.
Doc: Yes, from your hip.
Me: Sounds fun.
Doc: It is exactly the opposite of fun.
Me: I was practicing sarcasm.
Doc: Sorry what did you say? I was too busy thinking about the boat Im going to buy with the cost of your surgery.
Me: I said, any non surgical methods?
Doc: None that I would recommend.
Me: How many surgeries have you performed that had this many fusions?
Doc: None but dont worry there will be three sugeons there.
Me: They need new boats as well?

Only tell me things that I dont have to remember later, my retention is that shot. Sometimes I check to make sure my breath is still warm, just to confirm that I am still here. Wondering if everything really is dangerous. Lying on the beach, mold in my shower, arsenic in my bottled water. And yet real danger never happens when you are thinking about it. Anger being stronger than fear, how purpose lends itself to added incentive. I want every minute, more than most. What is it that I do remember? Only the useless things like a song lyric or the way an anonymous woman looked at me 15 years ago, then I think of the monkey that learned sign language but lied a lot, well a lot for a monkey that knows sign language.

Today was a good day. Early this afternoon a fine mist started falling, it then slowly turned into sprinkles then into showers and finally into full fledged rain. I like rain, mostly because I like living in a city that has different seasons. The best part of the rain today was the lack of people in my beach community. Yesterday the place was packed, 25+ people in line at the small grocery store when all I wanted was a Sobe. And yet today, the place looked abandonded, hardly anyone on the road and not a soul on the beach. This is how it looks in the offseason and after a month of blue skies and sunshine it was a nice reminder of the things to come. To celebrate this even I might even strip down, rub chicken fat all over my supple body and go streaking.

What has happened to movies over the past two years or so? I find myself going to fewer and fewer movies and its not because I dont have the time having been unemployed for 14 months now. Its something I used to enjoy doing almost every weekend but now in the middle of summer I look up the local showings and all I see is crap. The past two Saturdays I basically forced myself to go to a movie and ended up being disappointed. First off was Clerks 2 and while I cant say I was a huge fan of the original I respected the way he went about making the movie. Kevin Smith used credit cards and part of his tuition money to make the movie with his friends. It cost 35k and it ended up making over $50 mil with theatrical and dvd sales. It launched his career and while Mallrats was pretty awful, Chasing Amy and Dogma had some pretty good moments. Then Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back came out and its good if you smoke a little something and turn your brain off at the door. Of course he followed that up with Jersey Girl and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen, almost as bad as Solaris. It was his attempt at going mainstream as he had promised to never make another Jay & Bob movie. Of course he changed his mind after it tanked and went back to his bread and butter with Clerks 2. So that’s where I was 9 days ago hoping to at least get a few laughs.

The movie was shot in digital and I for one am not a fan of this as it just doesn’t recreate film unless great care is taken. What I notice is the backgrounds are generally in focus instead of just the actors, things stick out and it becomes distracting. Its a lot like the home video camera effect, it just sort of looks amateurish to me. Next Kevin put his wife in the movie, something that should never happen again in fear of the universe collapsing upon itself. She is wooden, angry looking, and just plain awful…it takes you right out of the movie. There is the reason she hasn’t been in anything other than his movies, SHE ISNT AN ACTRESS, and it shows. She actually appeared in Playboy a few years back and looked pretty good but in this movie she looked as though she was battling the flu or something. And then the heart of the movie began and it literally felt at times Kevin was working off of a checklist of things he hadn’t covered yet and was inserting them on the spot.

Rimjobs…..check
Racially insensitive remarks…check
Beastiality…check
Male controlling fiance’…check
Making fun of loyalty, hard work, commitments, responsibility, and personal growth…check

Then he threw in an elaborate dance number and a montage for good measure. And not just a regular montage, it ended the movie. Who ends a movie with a montage? Who ends a movie with a montage that shows people cleaning up a building? Kevin Smith I guess.

Can you tell I didn’t like it yet? That’s not to say I didn’t laugh, a couple times I did. The Lord of the Rings diatribe was funny as it was something I had said to numerous people as well. However the donkey show makes no sense at all, it looked out of place because it was. Maybe I was expecting too much but it just seemed to me that some scenes in the movie were copied from other movies, much better movies, and were done poorly. And to top it all off, he left the ending wide open, making sure not to shut the door completely. Hey he should be the one laughing because I spent money to watch it, so in the end maybe the donkey screwed me.

Next up was Talladega Nights, I am a big Will Ferell going back to his SNL days. His Harry Carey skit is still in my opinion one of the funniest things I have ever seen, not to mention the more cowbell sketch. He was great in Old School and even better in Anchorman where he has so many great lines it almost sensory overload the first time you watch it. So I was pumped to see him mock the red states with him as a NASCAR driver. However it became pretty obvious they tried much too hard to give it an actual plot instead of it just being a mockumentary that would have served it much better. It was funny in parts but the second half of the movie just died on the table, one long beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep on the heart monitor. I walked away wondering why the end-credit bloopers were better than the actual in-movie jokes.

Who knows, maybe I just grown cynical but movies just don’t seem to have the same feel to them. Even the Coen brothers have been on a luke warm cold spell that I hope ends with Hail Caesar. Perhaps originality is just harder to come by. Ill stick with independent movies like Little Miss Sunshine, that is if it ever comes to my little corner of the world.

But hey dont take my word for it, I am just a unemployed man with no money, no car, no woman, and there you are.

In my ongoing search of all things culinary I finally nailed down an interview with the person that has single handily changed the culinary landscape. He uses catch phrases, a live band, and a shocking amount of cheese to stimulate the masses into a virtual frenzy that powers his ever-growing corporation. He has written 10 books, opened 9 restaurants, and sells everything from cookware to cutlery to kid sized chef coats on his website. He joined me at my restaurant to share both his wisdom and a bottle of Barenjager which I quickly pour over ice to try and combat the recent heat wave.

Unemployed Ben: Thanks for taking the time to sit down and discuss your place in the industry.

Emeril Lagasse: Oh, Yeah Babe!!!!

Unemployed Ben: First off where do you get your inspiration from?

Emeril Lagasse: BAM!! BAM!!

Unemployed Ben: From the Flintstones?

Emeril Lagasse: Oh yeah, lets kick it up a notch.

Unemployed Ben: What?

Emeril Lagasse: Pork fat RULES!!

Unemployed Ben: I think the pork fat has gone to your head.

Emeril Lagasse: Oh yeah babe.

Unemployed Ben: Are you serious?

Emeril Lagasse: BAM!!! BAM!!!

Unemployed Ben: If you dont stop it I’m going to bam bam your head head into the table table.

Emeril Lagasse: Lets make it happy

Unemployed Ben: Make what happy? Are you a barely functioning retard?

Emeril Lagasse: OK.. now whut wuh gunna do is add some gahhh-lick.

Unemployed Ben: Why do you keep looking around? There are no cameras man, this isnt a tv show, and it sure as hell aint a toothpaste commercial so please stop with the catch phrases.

Emeril Lagasse: (silence)

Unemployed Ben: So what, now the silent treatment?

Emeril Lagasse: (Writes something on a napkin and hands it to me)

Unemployed Ben: (I pick it up and read aloud) You want to use cue cards?

Emeril Lagasse: (Continued silence)

Unemployed Ben: Ok fine, you can use the cue cards.

Emeril Lagasse: (Writes again on a napkin and hands it to me)

Unemployed Ben: You want a band? Are you serious?

Emeril Lagasse: (Writes once again on a napkin and hands it to me)

Unemployed Ben: A calypso band?

Emeril Lagasse: (Writes once more on a napkin and hands it to me)

Unemployed Ben: And a studio audience?

Emeril Lagasse: I wanna kick it up a notch.

Unemployed Ben: First I interview Rocco ‘Johnny Cakes’ DiSpirito and now I get Emeril the fucktard. I need hazard pay for this crap.

Emeril Lagasse: Oh you know Rocco too? That guy has zero gag reflex.

Unemployed Ben: Oh no not again. Please go away…seriously man I cant anymore of this.

Emeril Lagasse: Can I plug my new book ‘The best places to stick my essence’

Unemployed Ben: Oh sweet Jesus, kill me now. (Running for the exit)

Emeril attempts to answer his shoe

Have you ever seen a woman and known right away that you wanted to bone her? Well that happened to me today, I saw her as we were both walking into a movie. I only had a short window of opportunity before darkness overcame us so I gave her my best ‘Can I park my pink Plymouth in you garage of love’ look. Her reaction? It appeared as though she actually threw up in her mouth or at the very least had a full body dry heave. This of course indicating her lack of receptiveness to this idea.

Was it my grey hair? Perhaps my funky flip flips? Or maybe my fat guy in little coat wardrobe choice was coming back to bite me on my rather prominent ass. Its not like I am not used to getting a negative reaction but this seemed a little over the top. That is until I came home and got a look of myself in the mirror and realized that I am one repulsive looking bastard. How was it possible for me to have ever gotten laid? They say personality goes a long way but in my case more like personality and a steady stream of ruffies. I mean damn what were these women thinking? So I have decided to contact all the woman that have let me ‘Rock The Casbah’ and ask them to explain their actions. I just hope they aren’t in a mental health facility and/or have killed themselves, either way they probably wont return my email. If I hear anything back I will share them with you my adoring masses and that crazy Amy chic from Cincinnati, whom as rumor has it, was Rocco’s beard for about a year.

Rocco showing how much
he can fit in his mouth

Had an interesting day, first I had do go through all the emails defending Rocco DiSpirito. Apparently he has quite a following with the deranged. Let me give you an example of the typical email.

Dear Unemployed Ben
I happen to know Rocco very very well and he is not gay and I know that for a fact. He has a girlfriend and she is just shy, not a celeb type person. Im not sure when you interviewed him but I doubt he said all those things, if so he was probably just kidding. He is very funny. Like the time I went over to his apartment and he was wearing that rubber nurses uniform, that was sooooo funny.

Most people dont seem to getting the whole point of the interview and thats just fine with me, it just solidifies my position that most of you are sheep, most not all. For those of you familiar with the terms sarcasm and hyperbole, then I hope you enjoyed it. If you are one of the other types, please go back to watching Tivo’d American Idol and your Velveeta Hormels Chili dip.

Next part of my day consisted of a MRI. If you have never had one, its kinda a trip. I laid down on what looks to be a long diving board, it has a head cushion like on a massage table. I brought in a CD this time so I got to listen to some Black Crowes while being shoved into a tube via the motorized diving board. The top of the tube is literally 4 or so inches from my nose and is bright white, the MRI tech keeps moving me back and forth apparently trying to find the sweet spot. After about 5 minutes of this the thing turns on and it sounds like a dump truck tipping over its load. It totally drowns out the music so I am not sure of the point really. This goes on and on for 25 more minutes and being in this confined area it begins to dawn on me that this is what it is like to be buried alive. If for some reason this thing broke I doubt I could have gotten out of it without the Jaws of Life.

These are the things going through my head as all I have is this white curved wall as company and the occasional pause in the machine where I hear that yes the CD is still playing. The occasional calming voice in my ears is the tech telling me that I am doing well and that we are almost finished. My guess he has been trained to calm down people that are freaking out at this point. This would be a claustraphobics worst nightmare, my sister being one, needed 3 different appointments before enough sedatives were in her system for her to even look at the machine without immediately running to the corner of the room and getting into the fetal position. Me on the other hand have no real fears or phobias and I even checked to make sure.

Ablutophobia-Fear of washing or bathing (Nope not me, my balls are minty fresh)

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness (Not really, because the dark is where I find my victims)

Barophobia- Fear of gravity (Noda, not even when I cant dunk a basketball)

Botanophobia- Fear of plants (Except those Venus Flytraps of course)

Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women (Havent seen enough of them to be scared)

Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking (Wouldnt this kill you pretty quick?)

Ergophobia- Fear of work (Even though some might disagree)

Hylophobia- Fear of forests (The forest is where I take my victims)

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of having an erect penis (Morning wood is natural baby, now turn over)

Japanophobia- Fear of the Japanese (I respect good clean tuna above all else)

Kolpophobia- Fear of female genitals (Only Ashlee Simpsons)

Lutraphobia- Fear of otters (They mean us no harm….yet)

Menophobia- Fear of menstruation (Only the side effects)

Nephophobia- Fear of clouds (Except those ones that look like Satan)

Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes (Only when they are on a MotherFucking Plane)

Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs (Licking their bellies gets you high)

Selachophobia- Fear of sharks (The jaguar shark is a worthy adversary)

Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism (I fear the pretentious movie geek more)

Triskaidekaphobia- Fear of the number 13 (13 monkeys was a helluva flick)

Vitricophobia- Fear of step-fathers (Never had one, never wanted one)

Wiccaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft (Nope, I am under their spell)

Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow (Yellow is the new pink)

Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat (More like admiration)

So as I laid there trying to think up a fear or phobia the tech guy said it was all over and then the diving board shot me out back into the real world. I got dressed and headed out the door realizing I was a boring guy not really afraid of much of anything. Fear is a great deterrent, without fear I might as well be a world famous bank robber. Well maybe I should get a car first, fuck that I’ll steal a car and begin a crime spree worthy of Mickey & Mallory. See you on front pages bitches……

Rocco felt that he come off like kind of a douche in our first interview and after fielding calls from his publicist, his literary agent, his image consultant, and his plastic surgeon, I relented and allowed him another chance to clear his name. However I told him the softballs I lobbed in the first sit down would be a little harder. He agreed and was looking forward to any an interview described with the words hard and balls in it. So once again we sat down again at my restaurant and chatted over a Mohito (not mojito as some of you think).

Unemployed Ben:
So I’ve heard that you felt you were misquoted in the first interview?

Rocco DiSpirito:
Yes, I never said I was into dudes. I love the babes and they love me.

Unemployed Ben:
Well I taped the interview if you want to hear it, all I did was transcribe what you said.

Rocco DiSpirito:
What? You taped me? That’s illegal. Where is my lawyer?

Unemployed Ben:
It’s an interview not a phone call and you saw the tape recorder, the same one that’s in the middle of the table now.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Well I still reserve the right to sue you.

Unemployed Ben:
Great, now lets talk about your plastic surgery.

Rocco DiSpirito:
What? I would never do that.

Unemployed Ben:
Ok then, why is your forehead now an inch larger?

Rocco DiSpirito:
That is ridiculous!!

Unemployed Ben:
Well then why do you always have that surprised look on your face, you know the botox look?

Rocco DiSpirito:
Botox, what is that? That new club down on 46th? (Laughs to himself)

Unemployed Ben:
Fine, lets move on. Why do you think people refer to you as a sellout douche?

Rocco DiSpirito:
Because I am very good looking, that’s the way it’s always been. The pretty people have it rough, most people just can’t relate to having chiseled features and piercing blue eyes. It boils down to jealousy, I have had some success and now I’m a big target.

Unemployed Ben:
Success? Haven’t you been fired from every job you’ve held and also been sued by your last three employers?

Rocco DiSpirito:
If you aren’t getting sued, then you’re doing something wrong.

Unemployed Ben:
(Stunned silence)

Rocco DiSpirito:
Yep, you get sued when success comes a-knockin. That’s the way the Jews got rich, by suing everyone.

Unemployed Ben:
I guess I never read that chapter in my history book. Let me guess, Mel Gibson’s a good friend?

Rocco DiSpirito:
Actually he is, what a great guy…a great American.

Unemployed Ben:
I believe he is from Australia.

Rocco DiSpirito:
What? Oh, is that why he has that funny accent? I thought his family was from Germany, you know with all those swastikas hanging all over his beach house and all.

Unemployed Ben:
Wow, ok well I don’t quite know how to transition from that one but here it goes. Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

Rocco DiSpirito:
Oh a pitcher, I like to be in control. Oh shit, what? You tricked me. I am not gay, not gay dammit!!

Unemployed Ben:
C’mon, no one is judging you. Lance Bass told me all about your shared forbidden love.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Lance Bass? That name sounds made up.

Unemployed Ben:
Rocco, he showed me a video of you two doing what he referred to as “Flambéing The Bannana”

Rocco DiSpirito:
What? He told me that it would never see the light of day. That bitch.

Unemployed Ben:
Actually I was just kidding Rocco.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Oh, I knew that. I knew it because I am all man, seriously I like the panini.

Unemployed Ben:
Do you mean Punani?

Rocco DiSpirito:
What did I say?

Unemployed Ben:
You said Panini, like the closed faced grilled sandwich.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Well that’s what I meant, I love me some punani.

Unemployed Ben:
Lance doesn’t mind that you are seen with women?

Rocco DiSpirito:
No, he knows I have an image to keep up. I mean, what?? Lance who? This is ridiculous, all your tricks to get me to admit that I like a Rusty Trombone from time to time are not going to work.

Unemployed Ben:
A rusty trombone? Umm, Rocco this is a blog that is read my kids, try to keep that in mind please.

Rocco DiSpirito:
A blog? What the fuck is a blog?

Unemployed Ben:
Its what Lance does after you are done pitching.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Oh, ok. What?!? Stop tricking me.

Unemployed Ben:
Ok sorry about that. Lets talk about your new cookbook, “Rocco’s guide to Sausages, Bratwurst, and Foot Longs: How to heat things up in the kitchen”

Rocco DiSpirito:
It’s a real labor of love

Unemployed Ben:
(Uncontainable laugher) Ill bet

Rocco DiSpirito:
Whats so funny? You laughing at my new hot sausage book?

Unemployed Ben:
(Have fallen to the ground, unable to breath)

Rocco DiSpirito:
Do you need mouth to mouth?

Unemployed Ben:
NNNNOOOoooooooo! Get away you freak.

Rocco DiSpirito:
No seriously, I have trained to give mouth to mouth. A sailor showed me once over a long weekend.

Unemployed Ben:
(Wincing in pain) Don’t touch me, I have a stun gun and I will use it.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Lance has one of those too, he is really into the whole pain and pleasure thing. I mean um…ooops, what’s a stun gun?

Unemployed Ben:
Help, someone help me.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Do you have a pulled groin? I have trained with a masseuse as well.

Unemployed Ben:
This interview is over, don’t make me pull out your hair plugs.

Rocco DiSpirito:
Dont you want to hear about my new restaurant Manhole?

Unemployed Ben:
Oh, god. (Now running for the door)

The (not gay) chefs of the new restaurant Manhole

Things I regret, well kind of, because of drugs and alcohol.

Vomiting in that girls bathtub.
The toilet just looked too small and the room was spinning. I hid what I had done with the shower curtain and never told anyone…until now.

Crashing that boat into the dock.
I don’t take the total blame for that as you made me keep drinking shots of tequila after I said I had had enough. Your insurance company paid for the damage but your rates went up.

Punching that girls boyfriend
Sorry but I thought he was being an ass and I kind of wanted to bone you. Plus that was only the second time that I had done some blow and mixing it with 12 tall boys was a bad idea.

Kicking that vans window in Vancouver
It was total peer pressure. All the other guys were smashing car windows and I became the odd man out. Normally I wouldn’t have done something like that but once again tequila played a big part.

Stealing Bob’s Full Sail Ale hat and then throwing it into the campfire
You dared me and since you’ve always been an asshole I went ahead and did it. Plus you never returned my Die Hard VHS tape and that always pissed me off.

Punching a hole in both a wall and door while I was a teenager
This I have found out since is normal, virtually every guy has admitted to doing this. Still I think I was the most surprised when the wall just sort of crumbled, luckily that art print covered it up while I recruited some friends to fix it.

Having sex with my ex girlfriends sister the day after I broke up with her
Not something I am proud of but I think all she wanted to do was make her sister mad and I was a willing particapant. My ex considered this cheating as she was sure we would be getting back together, which we did…for a weekend…valentines weekend. Yep I am a moron.

Crashing my Camaro
I was really quite stoned and heading down Alabama Hill on a very rainy day, when someone stopped mid hill and caused me and the caddy behind us to hydroplane. She hit the corner of my bumper and I spun into oncoming traffic doing a 360, I unbelievably didn’t get hit but had to restart my car and pull off to the side where I threw my film container of gonga out of the window. The person that started the whole thing was gone and after reviewing the damage, my car had only a small mark on my bumper, the Cadillac lady gave me her insurance and contact info (which turned out to be false). Did I cause the accident? No, but a sober person would have downshifted and avoided the whole thing. P.S. I went back and retrieved my stash after I realized cops wouldn’t be swarming the place.

To be continued…..

I am a waste of space. Yes, that is I or is it me? Fuck if I know, I aint no fancy book learnin teacher. All that I do know is that when a friend asked of me a favor I let him down. He wanted something I probably wasn’t ready yet to give but after assuring me he wouldn’t share my secret, I agreed to give him what was mine and mine alone.

But in the end I failed him, he had to use someone else’s knowledge and for that I am sorry. You see this was all about a pie recipe but not just any pie; this was the famous French Apple Pie that I have spoken about with such pride and honor. Some might say it is the greatest pie of all time and while others might just refer to it as the finest thing made by a man.

You see the reason why I didn’t give him the recipe doesn’t matter, all that remains is the fact that he had to subject himself and his family to a pie of lesser quality. What could result from this tragic event? War in the Middle East? Fidel Castro’s demise? A new Ashlee Simpson record? The possibilities cause me to wince and then shudder.

So I have been in deep thought for the past few days wondering how I could make it up to him, the it being the total and blind betrayal I unleashed upon him. Then I remember a challenge issued by this man in love with all things French, he wanted me to try the new Luther Burger otherwise knows as the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger.

This would test both my high standards and sharp palette but would also make me go to the shady part of town where my chestnut highlights and Oakley T-Wires would look out of place.

I wondered if I had it in me and then thought of the words of Tony Soprano “In the end, your friends will let you down”. I began to ponder if that it was indeed I who was letting my friend down and then knew if I wanted to break this cycle some self sacrifice (Had to look up the meaning of that one) would be needed.

So I did as I was instructed and made my way down to Burger me, a place I wouldn’t usually find good enough to urinate on. I have forwarded my experience to that man in hopes he will write of it on his blog, the world famous Crikey blog that you have been hearing so much about.

So until this story sees the light of day I Unemployed Ben will continue to think of myself as a discarded piece of human existence.