Unemployed Ben

Kevin Smith has unleashed a bitter tirade against his former friend because Mr. Affleck hasn’t offered the balding chubby writer of dick and fart jokes a part in his directorial debut.

‘I can’t believe I cast the motherfucker in six movies and he didn’t have the fucking courtesy to be like, ‘Do you want to show up in Gone, Baby, Gone?’ Smith whined last night while promoting the dead horse of a movie Clerks II.

When this reporter contacted Mr. Affleck we received no official comment but on the low low we were told that the relationship with Kevin Smith has been strained ever since Kevin took and sold many pictures of Ben and J-Lo to the tabloids.

Im sure it must be tough for Kevin since Jersey Girl bombed like Hiroshima and he has to support his wife, kid and Jason Mewes somehow. I mean Ho-Ho’s and heroin aren’t cheap, but resorting to this, is a new low for a person famous for dumbing down America’s youth. Luckily Mr. Affleck had his wits about him and stayed clear of the man that had both Jon Stewart and Will Ferrell in the same movie and still couldn’t get a laugh, well except for the critics I guess.

Hopefully Ben will stay on the east coast and tubby will stay put in the 310 because if anyone ever deserved to live and die in L.A. it’s that pudding loving bastard.

So with the advent of Gmail I have over time stopped checking my Hotmail account on a semi regular basis. So today for the fun of it I headed over to old Microsoft and logged in and holy moly I have 3500 and 2 emails!! Yes I am popular just like in high school and from the offers I received I will no longer be in need of many services and products.

Example:
Ive been offered 48 B0ttles of Water for free!
An offer to find luck and thrills in Las Vegas (where its hot and those bottles of water will come in handy).
A Wal-Mart 250.00 gift card (Still not enough to get me to shop there)
A $1000.00 Victoria’s Secret Gift Card (holy shit thats a lot of G-Strings)
Free Shipping on Fathers day salami (Insert Kevin Smith joke here)
Free ChickenStrips from Papa John’s

Some just ask questions:
Ready for those summer curves? HELL YEAH!!!
Do you want a fabric softener for every mood? Maybe?
Do you need help cleaning your house? You Know It!!!
Single and Lonely? Who told you? Go away!! I am perfectly content with no human contact. Jerk!!
Do you want an Omaha Steaks shopping spree at no cost? Damn Skippy!!
Would you like to be a winner of a Years Supply Of Diapers? NO!!

All this on top of offers to make me harder, longer, and increase my endurance!! Plus apparently there are now many products that will make me grow hair like a grizzly bear.

This is all so very exciting, so if you dont hear from me for awhile its because of all my vacation offers and that my manhood has never been harder or longer.

There is a man I know, he is not all that good looking but he isnt repulsive either. He can be funny, witty, mean and cruel all within a few ticks of the clock.

He is rude. He doesn’t care about niceties, and will literally insult you to your face. I’ve sat in a room with him and been mocked, sneered at, and called a loser.

In fact, he’s never constructive. He almost always bitches aimlessly at you, as if you’re already dead to him.

He says he wants this, but he really wants that. He says he likes something, but then he trashes it to everyone else the very next day. Sometimes he says he hates something, but he secretly likes it.

And most of the time he just sits there. It’s amazing to me how little he knows about anything. In fact, he pretty much knows nothin. Zippo. He just sits and shrugs. You have to fight for every reaction. He’s cynical, jaded, and bored with you before you even walk in the room.

The guy never gives encouragement. If you’re down, he kicks you in the ribs.

He just might be the devil but you wouldnt know it if you met him.

The following renactment was stolen from another blog, I felt the need to share even if I get sued.

How to Write Screenplays. Badly.

On Follow-Up Calls
ME
Hi, is this ______________?
(Executive’s name deleted for whiny lawyer reasons.)

MR. X
Yeah. Who’s this?

ME
Jeremy Slater. You know, the awesome screenwriter. I’m a big fan of your work, by the way. Especially the way you directed Jurassic Park. And that other one…what was it called? Snakes on a Something. Bus? Plane? Plane, right?

(long silence)

MR. X
That wasn’t me.

ME
Shit, I meant Jews on a Train.

MR. X
…Schindler’s List.

ME
What?

MR. X
Schindler’s List. That’s what it was called.

ME
Are you sure? That can’t be right.

(long silence)

MR. X
Who is this again?

ME
Jeremy Slater? I, um, sent you my screenplay a few days ago? Just wondering whether you want to buy it or whatever. Make me an offer. I’ll take anything.

MR. X
How did you get this number?

ME
That’s not important. Let’s focus on RAPEBEAR.

(longest silence yet)

MR. X
Excuse me?

ME
Born in a laboratory! Forged in pain! A thirst for blood…and rape! Rapebear!

MR. X
I don’t…I’m very confused. I don’t have any script here like…um…I don’t know what’s going on here.

ME
Don’t do this to me, Stevie. Don’t play me like this.

MR. X
(speaking to someone else)
Marla? Did any scripts come in from a…a Slater?
(listens)
Oh God, seriously? It’s that guy?
(into phone)
Hey, are you the guy who used a magic marker to draw a cartoon bear on the cover…?

ME
…raping, yeah. That’s kind of what he does.

MR. X
(muffled laughter, followed by several seconds of excited whispering)
Mr. Slater? You’re on speakerphone. Could you please tell us all a little more about, um, your unique concept?

ME
You mean Rapebear, the bear that rapes?

(Hysterical laughter can be heard.)

ME
Who is that? Who dares to laugh? You’re making a powerful enemy here, you son of a–

MR. X
(interrupting)
No, that was just…um, we were watching Home Improvement in the background. That’s all.

ME
Oh. Well, that is a very funny show.

MR. X
Please, go on.

ME
Anyway, since you already know Tom Cruise, I figured he’d be perfect for the role of Lance Bearworthy, disgruntled Park Ranger with a heart of gold. The man whose past hides a terrible secret. About bears, I mean.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
Oh my God…

MR. X
Jeff, quiet!
(into phone)
Please continue.

ME
Um…okay. I’m not sure who you should cast as the female love interest, Hunny Fuckable. Maybe Jessica Alba if she’s available…

MR. X
Wait, what was her name again?

ME
Hunny Fuckable. She’s a bear biologist with a heart of gold–
(Interrupted by more hysterical laughter.)
Listen, could you maybe turn down Home Improvement?

MR. X
Sure, sure, we’ll get right on that. So this bear you’re talking about–

ME
Rapebear.

MR. X
Right, Rapebear. So what’s his deal? He, what, terrorizes the countryside or something?

ME
Yes, with his Ursine Shaft of Doom. First he rapes his way through Farmer McOnion’s cow pasture–

MR. X
Okay, so he’s killing cows–

ME
No, just raping them a bit. He’s kind of gentle. For a bear, anyway. I mean, the cows don’t really like it, but they’re not exactly fighting it either, if you know what I mean.

ANOTHER UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

MR. X
Damn it, shush!
(into phone)
Uh-huh. And so this Lance Bearworthy has to stop the bear from raping the cows, is that it?

ME
Oh, Rapebear quickly progresses past cows. Soon he’s going after smaller, sexier bears, mountain goats, a schoolbus…

MR. X
He rapes a schoolbus?

ME
It’s kind of the big setpiece of the film. He’s thrusting through the windows, all the kids are screaming, he’s making this ARRROOOOOOOOO noise…it’s awesome.

MR. X
I’m sure. And the end? Do they stop Rapebear?

ME
Do they ever! See, there’s this retarded kid named Gilbert Grape who keeps following Lance Bearworthy around for the entire movie. I figure you could cast either Steve Buscemi or maybe a real retard for the role. Anyway, Lance Bearworthy finally decides to strap sticks of dynamite to Gilbert’s chest and sends him into Rapebear’s cave…

MR. X
Wait, they turn the retarded kid into a suicide bomber?

ME
Yeah, but since he’s all goofy in the head, he doesn’t even know what’s going on! That’s what makes it so funny!

MR. X
Hmmph.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE
This went from funny to depressing pretty damn fast.

MR. X
Um, Mr. Slater? We’re going to have to get back to you on this one, okay?

ME
Okie-dokie. But you liked it, right?

MR. X
It was something else all right. Listen, don’t call us, okay? We’ll call you.

ME
Super-duper. Have fun with Home Improvement. This is a nice home you got here, by the way. Real fancy.

MR. X
Wait, what? Hey, where are you calling from?

(*CLICK*)

MR. X
Hello? Hello?

You do that job you’ve trained yourself for, not me but you.

Pushing that button.
Clicking a mouse.
Copy…paste…repeat.

Your not sure what it means or the effects it has and then it’s all over.

Thinking, hoping that you would know how it would all turn out.

Did our forefathers really have apathy in mind when they guaranteed the pursuit of happiness?

Who are you doing this all for? Someone else? Or worse yet a corporation you think you know because they print your name on a business card and you feel special because of it.

Copy…paste…repeat.

Wearing the red tie will make you stand out, yes it’s the red tie today.

But what is the saddest loss? To not explore your potential?

You see so much but take in so little, walking past the same train wreck day after day.

Nuke that ready-made pasta and its back to the desk before anyone notices you had gone.

You’ll soon discover life doesn’t come with a “fun warranty.”

From time to time I like to inform the masses about whats cool in my world and lately there have been a few things so bear with me as I present stuff that doesnt suck.

Tools new album 10,000 days. It rocks pretty heavy and that bass line is mezmorizing. I was a little late in coming to this band as I had a broiler cook that played some of their songs over and over and over again until pretty much just the sound of them made me crazy but once a few years had passed I was able to actually appreciate them for what they are. Pick this one up if you have the nads.

Wolfmothers self titled album is a modern blend of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin and yet they prove they are more than the sum of their influences. Its good to hear rock music again the way it was meant to be played, with no fanfare or image consultants. David Letterman said it all after they recently played on his show ‘Holy crap that was good’.

Adventures in the Screen Trade & Which Lie Did I Tell? : More Adventures in the Screen Trade
both by William Goldman. From the man who wrote the famous words about Hollywood “Nobody knows anything” comes two books about his experiences in that town. Very funny,
insightful and at times more than a little scary about how that industry is run.

And finally I like this joke:
Three very-pregnant women are waiting to see their doctor. The first says “I’m sure I’m having a boy this time, because my husband was on top, and I always have boys when he’s on top.” The second one says “That’s interesting; I guess I’ll have a girl, then, because I was on top. The third woman begins to cry, and the other two ask her why she’s crying, and she says “I think I’m having puppies!”

Ok people, listen up…it seems that no one is interested in purchasing my million dollar baby…err blog. This saddens me but there have been many people not appreciated in their time and now I am one of them. I knew I was on another level than all you frozen burrito eating, Kathy Griffith watching jezabels but this confirms it. So in other words you basically suck so now that it is clear that you suck I have redirected my commercialism and now want you to buy and wear t-shirts so that the rest of the world will know exactly who they are dealing with.

Today I came across a blogger that didnt speak too highly of a local landark, or more accurately THE local landmark. This engineering marval stands 605 feet atop a trifecta of magnificent supports as it looks out onto the glory that is Emerald Bay. This stunning achievment was inspired most appropriately on a napkin at a coffee house by one Edward E. Carlson.

Built in 1962, the Space Needle served as the symbol of that year’s World’s Fair. It has since become the symbol of Seattle, and one of the most recognizable structures in the world. It offers a 360° unobstructed view from its “flying saucer” upper deck and can withstand a wind velocity of 200 miles per hour and an earthquake of 9.1 magnitude.

During the construction of the Space Needle, it took 467 cement trucks less than 12 hours to fill the foundation hole (30-feet deep and 120-feet across); this was the largest continuous concrete pour ever attempted in the West.
Suck on that Hoover Dam

When the Space Needle was built in 1962 it was the tallest building west of the Mississippi River.
California has always been a little late on the trigger

The Space Needle has the only revolving restaurant in the world.
Las Vegas eat your heart out!

The Space Needle annually hosts more than 1 million visitors, making it the #1 tourist attraction in the Northwest.
Almost as many visitors than that bloggers girlfriend has when he is out of town.

The Space Needle was named the ” Best Place to Get Engaged” n 1994.
Put that on your frog legs and eat it Paris, France.

The Space Needle was built for just $4.5 million.
Insert disparaging remark here.

Cool things I have done in or around the space needle:
Smoked a fatty and saluted Kurt Cobain at his memorial.
Watched many a SuperSonic game with the highlight being the NBA FINALS in 1996.
Saw Shawn Kemp catch an alley-oop there, saw Gary Payton dish behind the back passes there, saw ‘downtown’ Freddie Brown hit shots from way way downtown. Saw Jack Sikma’s over the head jumpshot there, and I even saw The wizard delight the crowd there. Saw Charles Barkley get ejected from a game there, even saw Jordan in his rookie year jump over everyone and dunk there.
Had a few very expensive steak dinners there and yes even bought a souvenir there.
Went to Seattle Center when they had the amusement rides when I was 11 and a girl on the roller coaster let me touch her boob.
Went to many many concerts, from Pearl Jam to Ted Nugent to AC/DC. Getting far too drunk and having almost too good of times there.

But these are just some of the memories I have but the thing that I like the most is that no matter where I am in that town, be it lost in downtown or be it running from the cops after a party got busted I could always look to the sky and see where that Glorious Needle was. It was and still is this large glowing beacon that shines for all in the dead of night, jarring my memory to where I parked or where I left my pants. Its always been there for me and I am hoping it always will be.

So to you Mr Space Needle, I raise a glass and salute your 9,550 tons and your phallic greatness.

Are you looking to launch your blogging career but just not sure how to start? I mean no one reads a blog that doesn’t have at least 6 months of witty observations. So where does that leave you? Well I am here to help as I am a giving person who just happens to be looking for that undiscovered talent that needs the world to hear his voice. Does that person sound an awful like you? Well of course it does because that’s who I am speaking to…you. You are special, you are unique, but most of all you are rich. What did you think this was going to be easy? You have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet and you’re going to have to sell a few chickens to have an award winning blog like myself.

You see I have been blogging for some time and I’ve mastered the art. I was just named blog of the year by Blogger Magazine. Technorati has valued my blog at just over $1,000,000. Those are 7 zeros my friend and they could be yours as well, but I can tell your not really interested in money. No you are just looking for fame and because I like you, I am willing to give you my little space on the Internet. You can change the name to anything you like but I am taking the picture of my pouty haunting eyes and that is non-negotiable.

So at this point you’re asking yourself. Self? What is the catch here and how many kidneys do I have to sell on the Chinese black market. You see that’s the beauty of this I am today and today only selling this blog to you and only you for the low low price of $50,000. That’s 2 whole less zeros than it actual value. Heck you could probably even turn it around the next day and buy a palatial condo in SF with your profits. Its all up to you but once you get the power of this great in your possession you will never let it go. So dont this opportunity pass, and soon you can tell people ‘I have an award winning blog, do you?’ and then laugh in that cocky Beverly Hills accent you have perfected.

Conversations around my place have gotten strange of late. Somehow the topic of how many fights I have been in was brought up by of all people my mother. So I rattled off a story about the few that I had been involved with and soon I noticed she was sleeping.

Now I enjoy telling a good story and I like making people laugh but this is the first time that a story of mine has ever caused someone to catch some ZZZZZ’s. Its not as bad as if it was during some sweet lovemaking I might be giving to whatever girl was still around at closing time, but it was almost as bad.

Is being funny and entertaining a skill that you can lose? I’ve heard of writers block and of athletes losing that edge but I am not sure if I’ve come across a comedian just not being funny anymore. Now some might say what about Pauly Shore or Carrott Top and I say they were never funny, weasels and props dont make me laugh. More than anything I think comics just wear thin and dont develop as good or better material as they did before so they just kind of fade away. Case in point, Dave Chappelle. He is an extremely funny guy but while he pretty much stayed off of most peoples radar up and until Chappelle Show first appeared. Now I had seen his specials and thought that he was just as funny as Chris Rock, and I had also seen him in a couple movies that I thought he was pretty good in but what I remember him most for was an episode of the Larry Sanders show. He had a small part and only a line or two but it was memorable, mostly because it mocked the sitcom system in Hollywood, something that he had dealt with (with horrible consequences) on numerous occassions. I think he had like 7-8 pilots made and they never got picked up, thats tough to take when you consider he was a stand up and a very successful one before he was even legally allowed to enter a bar. But in the end when he found a place that gave him some freedom and some success, he walked away. Now my guess is that he could have continued to do the show his way even if some network dickheads were trying to exude some of their vision into the show. Did he just convince himself to bolt?

Now back to me, is it that I just dont have it anymore? Whatever it is. Did my comedic ability join Dave in Africa and decide to stay? Not really sure but my guess is that when you literally put your audience to sleep its a pretty good indication.

Signing off,
Your not so funny but still Unemployed Ben

A man died today, a man left on his desk his unfinished theories that would alter everything we are. Notebooks filled with ideas and concepts but no answers.

This wasnt today it was April 18, 1955 and the man was Albert Einstein. These notebooks would be scoured to see if he left any clues to what he had spent most of his life trying to prove, sometimes even in the defiance of his other revolutionary theories.

So some time back I attempted, in rudimentary form, to outline the theory of everything. In essence it was an attempt at finding a simple mathematical equation that could be used to prove the origins of the universe and explain how matter, energy and gravity co-exist. One of the things that I have learned since is how kitsch the scientific community can be. They seemingly act as if influenced by pop culture as they seem to enjoy embracing a new theory and cast aside others that might seem at face value have more acceptable principals.

Case in point when Stephen Hawking announced that a massive breakthrough was coming that would provide the complete, unified, and consistent description of the fundamental structure of our universe. The world was abuzz and soon learned of the String Theory. It essentially theorized that a electron was not just a point as it had always appeared to be, it was actually a string and because a string can oscillate in different ways we can see different things from these alternate views as in a photon or a quark whatever.

Now this seemed to change most views of the universe and other theories like super gravity were cast aside along with the scientist. This of course caused a lot of scientist to lose funding and the ability to publish their finding of what was now determined to be a obsolete scientific principle.

Now over time string theory should been able to trace the creation of the universe all the way back to the big bang and methodically they scientific community went about making these massive calculations when they hit a gap. A gap indicates a flaw because with the big bang no matter what the cause it origin should be traceable. So this in turn led to five different theories of strings and this once again caused a sensation at least for a short amount of time, that is until some started questioning what there was five as the answer should be concise, clear and be able to be tested. We just dont have the tools to explore the theory over all possible values of the parameters so it was once again deemed as flawed.

So then the Scientists still working on Super Gravity began to see the need to include some previous taboo’s that most scientists avoid like the plague, that being alternate universes and dimensions. They soon began to see 10 dimensions as the reasoning for all the problems with interpreting string theories, that if you saw the universe in these dimensional departments that you could see how these strings could be capable of describing all elementary particles as well as the interactions between them. Many felt they were on the right track but something was still missing.

Now the actual original string theorist had their eyes opened to what they hadnt seen and that was dimensions, so they decided to see if they could apply their past findings in a new dimensional view. Soon they discovered a new 11-dimensional theory called M-theory and it combined all the previous theories and explained a number of previously observed dualities. Essentially when they had 10 inter-twined dimensions and one all seeing commanding dimension commanding the others. This led to the previous five theories folding into one and it all made sense that they actually weren’t separate but connected. This allowed them to see the origins of the universe.

But still while this was a great breakthrough mysteries still abounded about the actual big bang and how essentially the universe wasnt a flat and constant force as it should be, that it is filled with galaxies, black holes and quarks. So they began to look at how the dimensions would have to relate to each other and it led them back to gravity once again. It has been surmised that gravity was this great force as it has such a impact on our existence, but in reality how strong is gravity? Sure we dont float off into space and anything with any matter seems settled on ground but how easy is it to pick something up off the ground with magnets, should a refrigerator magnet be able to defy the gravity of a paper clip? We have all played with magnets this way and we can move and fly through the air these light objects. We can also jump, push away and dangle in gravity. If it was this great force should we be able to defy it so regularly?

So they began to examine gravity once again and soon realized it was weak and thus couldnt be a force on our current dimension but from another dimension. One that had bordered us and instead of laid flat actually molded to a wave link. Counteracting with each these dimensions would pull from one another not within the same one. The force would be much greater if it actually all consuming.

This then led to the discovery of Branes or basically strings of particles that surround everything we see and feel, they are closer to our skin than our clothes and because they are so small we of course cannot see them. They conform with all matter and interact with of each other.

It was all finally starting to make sense; this is how the universe could be essentially a volume of space that was yielding to other powers, other universes. And at times when these universes collided they would create others, this is how a big bang occurs. Now of course this meant that there was a infinite amount of universes all with these slight variations, our culture could be alive on one of this alternate universes with only slight or massive variations based upon different outcomes of history. Ones closest to us could have us almost identical but living a different life with a alternate career or wife. And yet others could be vasty different based on passed history, like wars fought and lost by certain powers would be switched and the United States wouldnt exist, it would simply be the larger version of the United Kingdom. And with that many many people wouldn’t exist if that event altered the way people would have populated the planet.

At certain times it is almost too much to grasp but at this moment what seemed like science fiction 50 years ago is proving not only to be true but is leading us to all the answers we have been seeking since man first became self aware. Who and what are we? The answers seem closer than ever.

Well it looks like I will be sans BlackBerry for the unforeseeable future. Just as I started typing this my network blinked off…my baby has gone dark. This is the first widespread outage of the Blackberry service that I am aware of and I am already having withdrawals. Its as if my dream woman has broken up with me to go out with my brother. It hurts, it hurts real bad.

To celebrate what might be our last hour together for some time I took my baby down to the beach where a calm sea and full moon awaited us, I laid out a blanket then broke out some hot chocolate and held hands for almost an hour. It was like saying goodbye to a good friend, perhaps even my best friend. This is a sad day, a sad day indeed.

I keep looking to the screen hoping to see a flood of backlogged emails coming through, and yet nothing happens, I now know what’s its like to lose a limb in battle. I ponder what might happen if this outage lasts much longer not only to me but also to our nations capitol where these devices would need to be surgically detached from most users. Would it be like the Old Testament, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes… the dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.

It was on a night
of moon-swift wind
and low-flying rags of cloud
that the network,
took you away
from me.

Good-Bye Sweetheart…..

I can type almost as fast on my BlackBerry than I can on my full size keyboard and my non Bberry friends have trouble not keep up with my salvo of sms’s. Lately I’ve begun to hear the term ‘Crackberry” it refers to the addictive nature of the device and I agree wholeheartedly. There were some nights where I can carry on conversations with a half dozen people at the same time, never once needing to use my verbal skills and simply rely on words typed by my blazing thumbs.

Then a new model showed up on the horizon (The 8800) the one I like to refer to as the big boy. It has a huge color screen and the full keyboard the recent models lacked. I snagged one right away and fell right into a comfort zone rarely seen outside of Lazy-Boy recliners. Seldom was I ever out of reach of my new best friend, it even got a prominent spot right next to my clock radio at night.

This is when I began extolling the virtues of its greatness wherever and whenever the opportunity would arise. People would ask me about it in bars, restaurants, Mariner games, and even in the line at the bank. I would let strangers touch it, letting them feel the power of the ultimate communication device. Ill bet I talked dozens of strangers into buying one, not to mention most of my friends.

Today I have three categories of friends.

1) Strictly email (Friends that I have no real need to see in person. Communication between us is usually casual and not time sensitive)

2) Telephonic (Friends that are either technologically challenged or are WM (without mobile)

3) Textual (Friends I communicate with strictly through text messages)

Now there can be a combination of one of two of these categories but rarely all three. People that are in all three are my closest friends. I can go over a year without having to actually speak to my friends and yet still know everything that’s going on in their lives. I can get updates in a flash.

But you know the best thing that I like about my BlackBerry is? It’s that most people that grab it cant figure the thing out. There have been a few times where someone has grabbed my phone will I was getting another beer and sent a text message to some random woman in my address book. Not with Mr. Big Boy, they grab the thing and have no clue. What’s this spinning thingy? How do you select something? Where is the send button? That thing is too complicated! These are the typical responses and that sits with me just fine. To be honest I want to be one step ahead of everyone on the tech side of things so people have to play catch up.

Will the new 8700g ever be mine?

It all started with a woman (isn’t that just the way) a woman I saw at my local Piggly Wiggly. We were in the same department, both looking for something to cool us down. She looked back as I looked forward and with that our eyes locked. And oh a connection was formed all right, the kind that shoots lightning bolts straight up your spine to the back of your neck causing the short hairs to stand at attention.

She knew it and I knew, it was mutual and no words needed to be spoken. We froze locked in a gaze that meant only one thing, the person across from me, the one in the frozen food section is a person I would kill or be killed for. The unspoken connection of the attraction said it all, and in that instant we lived a full life. But as is the case when time stands still it must start up again and to catch up time moves fast…too fast and before I knew it she was gone.

I went to where she once stood hoping to make a connection, hoping to get that feeling back and trying not to let my emotions spill out. And what I saw was the type of thing that Shakespeare has written about so well, pure and utter tragedy. The bitch bought the last quart of Starbucks Classic Coffee Ice Cream, the Coffee Ice Cream so tasty and so creamy it’s as if it was made by the Goddess of butter cream. This woman had ripped it right from my heart leaving emptiness not soon filled.

What kind of woman would do this? More like what kind of monster? A vicious and vengeful succubus has been unleashed upon our society and this is the day we take a stand and on this day I swear that I shall get my revenge…in this life or the next.

It will be mine

In a beach community far far away I sat on my sofa last night at 2am watching the movie Pleasantville. I had seen it a few times and felt it was a good movie with an interesting message but last night I saw something I hadn’t noticed before.

While it was easy to see the underlying social comment on racism in the conservative 1950’s and if you looked even further you could make comparisons to the conservative vs. liberal debate with its subtle examination of the feminist movement, censorship, and juvenile delinquency. There are some rather serious tones in this movie and that’s what made me like it, as with each viewing I got more out of it.

But then last night I began to see something else. It seemed most of the negative events were either instigated or at least represented throughout the movie by a character with the name of Whitey. It started off harmlessly enough with Whitey not getting the cookies Margaret had baked for him, no they went to Bud instead. I mean that was his woman and Bud came in and took those cookies away, he wanted those cookies and he was denied. Now if you much into symbolism like my good buddy Richard, you can imagine what the cookies represented.

Then later in the movie Whitey is driving around making sure everyone attends the town hall meeting then sees Bud and Margaret together and makes the first comment involving race by calling her colored. This incident being the first indication of a darker underlying tone about racism. But this is just the beginning as later Whitey is seen leading a mob in the burning of books and acts of vandalism destroying the colored ice cream parlor. He is even shown during the trial that leads to the resolution of all the perceived problems that the town’s changes have brought on.

It seems that he is the antithesis to all the problems that Bud and Mary Sue have created in this alternate universe. Is it any surprise that his name is Whitey? A name that is clearly associated as a xenophobic name for Caucasians. Gary Ross made his intentions unambiguous as to the fact that Whitey is to blame for all the intolerance in our country. He puts a big bulls-eye on the white man.

Now looking back to the beginning of the movie where they show a montage of teachers talking in class rooms about the decreasing job market, rising AIDS infections rates, ozone depletion that has led to global warming that causes such catastrophic consequences as typhoons, floods, widespread drought, and famine. All of these being problems that are perceived as created by the white man.

My question is simple, how did this subversive message get into a movie about time traveling to the land of Leave it to Beaver? The main theme was no doubt the importance of individual freedoms but it seemed to try too hard to make television a metaphor for America. Nothing is this cut and dried nor should be.

Maybe his intention was to paint Pleasantville elaborately along allegorical lines, hoping that people will strain to ponder his ontological question. There are obvious comparisons to the Garden of Eve and forbidden apples but it seems there are far too many mixed messages to take any of them seriously.

“You can’t stop something that’s inside you” applies to both good and evil Mr. Ross. It speaks to the duality of man, capable of such beauty and yet such unbelievable horror at conceivably the exact same time.

Maybe his intention was just to provoke thought and introspection and if that was the case he has succeeded, at least in my case that is.

Not so Black & White

Recently a phenomenon (triple word score) has been happening across the landscape of the cancer box. If your a fan of Lost, Grey’s anatomy or South Park you have of course noticed that characters once thought to be a integral part of a particular tv show have ended up swimming with the likes of Luka Bratzi and Vito Spatifore.

Why is this happening? I think its a plot by the writers to finally gain the power in Tinsel Town that they have so richly deserved. No longer will they receive no mention when the Grammy’s and Oscars roll around, no now they will get to arrive on the shoulders of Tom Cruise and finally get that gift bag full of gold bullion that alluded them all these years.

Not only will they get recognition but all actors will fear them, afraid that if they demand that their dialogue be rewritten to reflect their new found love of kabala they just might fall down an elevator shaft or get a pool cue shoved up their taut buttocks.

Finally the power brokers will be the men that are out of shape, unshaven and wear nothing but sweat pants. No longer will they have to dance like trained monkeys all because some 19 year old actor on the O.C. didnt think their character would say something like what was written in the script. No they will be feared like Matt Damon coming down from a weekend meth binge. Trust me you wouldnt think Matt Damon was a badass because of his midget size but he fights dirty.

What the fuck was I even talking about? Oh yeah, we all owe Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds a muffin basket for the way they took out Col. Blake on MASH those great many years ago. They said oh so you think being an actor makes you a unique snowflake huh? Well guess the fuck what, this show is about the Korean war and yep your plane just got shot down. See ya later you fly fishing hat wearing fuck face. Oh and say high to Trapper John in the SAG unemployment line.

With the recent explosion in popularity of my writing my publicist has been inundated with interview requests, of which I have given none. I feel that promoting myself outside of my current project would just make me a tired brand name like DuPont or Hasbro, so I decline all requests hoping to remain in the shadows.

But recently with all the talk about my life being used as inspiration for a tv show, a big budget movie, and spoken word tour I have relented and granted an interview. Now this wasnt done in haste as I spent a long time thinking of who was the right journalist to give this opportunity to.

After much deliberation I wondered who was truly deserving and I struggled with this for awhile as Cameron Crowe was my first choice but thinking about it his life is pretty much perfect so he doesn’t need me to make it better. Then I figured that I could just return Mike Wallace’s calls and have it broadcasted nationwide on a Sunday night but I remembered that recently 60 minutes has been throwing softballs to the likes of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods and im just not dark enough to get the same courtesy and I dont want to fucking cry like David Letterman did so I decided to go another way.

It would best to give an up and comer a shot, a shot to make a name for himself, an opportunity to be launched into the stratosphere of journalistic excellence. I think youll be hearing some great things about him soon so without further ado lets get this ball rolling.

This is the transcript, as it will appear in upcoming issue of Playboy Namibia

A freewheeling conversation with the outlaw journalist and only man alive to ride with both Bill Clinton and the Hell’s Angels
By Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt: Your official website is filled with committed fans, even going so far as to use the word cult. Is it at all intimidating to put out a new book with such a rabid fanbase?

Unemployed Ben: No, not at all. It would be far more intimidating if I had no fans at all. No but really I love my fans and I will continue to love them because if there is one thing I’ve learned it is that you dont want the criminally insane pissed off at you.

BP: Let me start by saying, and I mean this as a compliment, that you have a very twisted imagination.

UB: Yeah I am the twisted one, you dumped Jennifer Anniston to go hang out with some big lipped freak who wears a vile of blood around her neck and hangs out in Africa. But judgements aside, we all have a dark side I mean in watching Silence of the Lambs we know that Hannibal Lector is this sick and depraved cannibal but at the end when he says “I’m having an old friend for dinner” we actually laugh.

BP: You tackle some very heavy issues, important national and international issues. Why so issue heavy?

UB: The world isnt just about dick and fart jokes. Ok maybe to Kevin Smith’s fans it is but c’mon should I really just speak to the lowest common denominator all the time? Of course not, but just because I have never felt the burning need to pierce anything does that make me an elitist? It’s my job to fuck with the natural order of things until the world cooks like one big poached egg.

BP: What role has the Internet played in your life?

UB: It’s made me far lazier. I can shop for Nike Sandals from home, order pizza without having to talk to some moron from Round Table, and I can rattle off some witty banter during my morning and afternoon masturbation sessions and upload it to my website and the masses eat that shit up allowing me to live like a King…well more like an American King cause those French bastards fucked up the whole Royalty thing with all that inbreeding.

BP: A lot of your website writing seems to focus on the nihilistic views in your books. Does the focus on this aspect of your writing get tiresome?

UB: No not at all. Its the easiest thing to write about to be completely honest. The internet is full of depressed fat bastards who hope someone else shares their fucked up view of the world and they look for people that have the ability to express it far better than their own Arkansas education will allow. You see the Red States are my bread an butter, can you think of a more depressing place to live than Kansas?

BP: How important is reality, to be faithful to the facts?

UB: It’s not really important anymore. I mean look at the last 13 years of the White House, they dont seem to think its all that necessary so why should I? Isnt the american ideal to grow up and be president? Well nowadays if you get there you begin to realize that truth is something that not everyone needs to know about. So I say fuck it, I am not the presidential ideal so why should I strive to be better than that?

BP: What was it like sitting in on sex addiction meetings?

UB: What?!? Where did you hear this? No comment! Next question dammit! Who the fuck told you? Next goddamn question!

BP: The American public draws some, or even a lot, of information about life from your late-night blog ramblings. How does this make you feel?

UB: Pretty fucking scared actually as I am usually hopped up on Benzaprine and Cough Syrup when I write that shit. Look at the last thing I wrote about, Nikola Tesla, the guy thought he was communicating with Mars and was trying to convince the US Government that he had invented a death ray. I celebrated him like he was Ghandi or something, if your taking my hallucinogenic diatribes seriously then it might be time to up the dosage.

And now for the Bernard Pivot part of the interview:

Your earliest film-related memory:
Jaws, saw it at a drive in when I was 8. Made me fear water so much I started peeing in sinks instead of toilets. Something I still do to this day but only when at a friends house, never my own.

Your favorite lines from movies:
I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore! - Peter Finch
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room! - Peter Sellers
Soylent Green is people! - Charleton Heston
You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it, believe me. - John Goodman

Jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:
Mystery Shopper for Denny’s or Condom Tester for Trojan inc.

Jobs you actually have held outside the industry:
Delivered nuclear generators for the US Government (Top secret so keep it on the low low)
Stalked Jessica Alba for about 8 months back in 2002
Omelete flipper at IHOP

One writer you think is underrated:
Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes is as good as it can get.

Eating people is funny?

In looking at inventors of the past why are some men known and others not so much. Many would call Thomas Edison the most prolific innovator of the past 150 years and that his genius has had the largest impact on how we live our lives today. He is celebrated as a mastermind and for good reason, but who of you have heard of Nikola Tesla?

He started work under Edison in 1884 and began with simple electrical engineering but quickly progressed to solving the most difficult problems. His brilliance was unmistakable and he was offered to undertake a complete redesign of the Edison Company’s direct current generators.

After Tesla described the nature of the benefits from his proposed modifications, Edison offered him $50,000 if they were successfully completed. Tesla worked a year to redesign them and gave the Edison company several enormously profitable new patents in the process. When Tesla inquired about the $50,000, Edison replied to him, “Tesla, you don’t understand our American humor,” and reneged on his promise. Edison reportedly offered to raise Tesla’s salary by $10 per week as a compromise - at which rate it would have taken almost 100 years to earn the money Edison had originally promised. Tesla resigned on the spot.

He did this because he had discovered in all his work perfecting Direct Current (DC) that it was ultimately flawed. He soon thereafter invented the more efficient alternating current (AC) that conflicted directly with Edison’s process.

Edison was furious and tried to show that AC electricity was far more dangerous than his DC power. But Tesla counteracted this at the 1893 World Exposition in Chicago (attended by 21 million people) demonstrating how safe AC electricity was by passing high frequency AC power through his body to power light bulbs. He then was able to shoot large lightning bolts from his Tesla coils to the crowd without harm.

His AC system eventually reached the ears of one George Westinghouse and Tesla signed a contract with Westinghouse under which he would receive $2.50 for each kilowatt of AC electricity sold. When the royalties owed to Tesla started to exceed $1 million, Westinghouse ran into financial trouble. Tesla’s dream was to have cheap AC electric available to all people so he took his contract and ripped it up. Instead of becoming the world’s first billionaire, he was paid $216,600 for his patents. He sacrificed for the good of mankind, not to line his pockets.

One of the concerns over AC was that motors would need to be invented that could be inserted in all appliances to harness the energy. Everyone felt this was impossible and would lead to abject failure. So, he invented the motors that are used in every appliance in your house.

And yet Edison spent the rest of his life trying to discredit Tesla. Calling him a mad scientist when Tesla conducted wireless telegraphy experiments transmitting signals between Pikes Peak, Colorado to Paris, France.

Because of this successful test he concluded a broadcasting tower could link the world’s telephone and telegraph services, as well as transmit pictures, stock reports, and weather information worldwide. This was in the 18th century!!

He was so ahead of his time the world started to believe Edison’s claims and some began to believe he was losing his mind.

This didn’t deter him in the least, and in his Manhattan lab he made the earth into an electric tuning fork. He managed to get a steam-driven oscillator to vibrate at the same frequency as the ground beneath him. The result? An earthquake on all the surrounding city blocks. The buildings trembled, the windows broke, and the plaster fell off the walls.

Tesla contended that, in theory, the same principle could be used to destroy the Empire State Building or even possibly split the Earth in two. Tesla had accurately determined the resonant frequencies of the Earth almost 60 years before science could confirm his results.
This then led to him sending waves of energy all the way through the Earth, causing them to bounce back to the source (providing the theory for today’s accurate earthquake seismic stations). When the waves came back, he added more electricity to it. The result? The largest man-made lightning bolt ever recorded 130 feet, a world record still unbroken. The accompanying thunder was heard 22 miles away. The entire meadow surrounding his lab had a strange blue glow, similar to that of St. Elmo’s Fire.

At the beginning of World War I, the government desperately searched for a way to detect German submarines. The government put Thomas Edison in charge of the search for a good method. Tesla proposed the use of energy waves (what we know today as radar) to detect these ships. Edison rejected Tesla’s idea as ludicrous and the world had to wait another 25 years until it was invented.

This was a familiar theme as he was simply too far ahead of his time and people were frightened by his discoveries. Because of this the last 30 years of his life he was exiled from the scientific community and was virtually penniless. His weakness was coming up with the concept but not following through on the commercial aspects of his ideas.

Case in point the Radio. Most people think that Marconi invented the radio but Telsa demonstrated and patented the principle behind the radio, nearly ten years before Marconi’s supposed invention. Marconi’s patents were ruled invalid due to Tesla’s previous descriptions.
This is just one of many innovations that would not be understood of realized for many years.
He was using fluorescent bulbs in his lab some forty years before industry “invented” them. Established the basics behind radar, the electron microscope, and the microwave oven. He invented neon lights, the speedometer, the automobile ignition system, the spark plug and medical x-rays. He lit vacuum tubes wirelessly at separate locations, providing evidence for the potential of wireless power transmission. Researched radiation, which led to setting up the basic formulation of cosmic rays. Tesla developed the Art of Telautomatics, the first form of robotics. Tesla’s discoveries also form part of the foundation of the medical discipline known as Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Imaging or MRI. Developed the first loudspeaker, the rotary engine, the basis for diathermy (deep heating tissues through the use of high-frequency electrical current), and an automatic mechanism controlled through a simple tuned circuit’ - remote radio control.

He also wrote about missiles, particle beam weaponry, satellites, nuclear fission, and robots.

Unlike Edison, Tesla was an original thinker whose ideas typically had no precedent in science. Unfortunately, the world does not financially reward people of Tesla’s originality. We only award those that take these concepts and turn them into a refined, useful product.
Industry’s attempt to purge him from the scientific literature had driven him into exile for nearly twenty years. Lacking capital, he was forced to place his untested theories into countless notebooks.

Scientists today continue to scour through his notes. Many of his far flung theories are just now being proven by our top scientists. For example, the Tesla bladeless disk turbine engine that he designed, when coupled with modern materials, is proving to be among the most efficient motors ever designed. His 1901 patented experiments with cryogenic liquids and electricity provide the foundation for modern superconductors. He talked about experiments that suggested particles with fractional charges of an electron - something that scientists in 1977 finally discovered - quarks!

The man who invented the modern world died nearly penniless at age 86 on January 7, 1943. More than two thousand people attended his funeral.

At the time of his death, Tesla had been working on some form of teleforce weapon, or death ray, the secrets of which he had offered to the United States War Department on the morning of January 5. It appears that his proposed death ray was related to his research into ball lightning and plasma. He was found dead three days later and, after the FBI was contacted by the War Department, his papers were declared to be top secret.

Immediately after Tesla’s death became known, the Federal Bureau of Investigation instructed the Office of Alien Property to take possession of his papers and property, despite his US citizenship. All of his personal effects were seized on the advice of presidential advisors. J. Edgar Hoover declared the case “most secret”, because of the nature of Tesla’s inventions and patents.

The Chicago Worlds Fair 1893, lit by Tesla’s Niagara station.
It captivated the world.

I thought many different times this past year where I wondered where I was going.
In these times, looking backwards making everything so clear. The mistakes, the faux pas, the fuck ups, knowing a changed path or two and all would be different. If I could.

Looking back does this to me. Like sinking below the water level in a bath, seperating oneself from percieved modalities. A new perspective. Or just a altered one.

This of course being the character building phase of my existence. Or at least I hope so. Oh fuck I really hope so.

How does a person get so you know, fucked up or for that matter morally bankrupt, going against all they used to stand for. That’s an easy one, slowly and over time. So gradual its almosy unoticeable… ’til of course it’s too late. A look in the mirror wondering how it all happened. Damn, whom or what have they become? Or should that just be a statement. So capable of beautiful things but also harbored feelings leading to deconstruction.

As Keanu Reeves once uttered and continues to:
Its a particle, its a wave…its a duality*

*In physics, wave-particle duality holds that light and matter exhibit properties of both waves and of particles. It is a central concept of quantum mechanics. The idea is rooted in a debate over the nature of light and matter dating back to the 1600s, when competing theories of light were proposed by Christiaan Huygens and Isaac Newton. Through the work of Albert Einstein, Louis de Broglie and many others, it is now established that all objects have both wave and particle nature (though this phenomenon is only detectable on small scales, such as with atoms), and that quantum mechanics provides the over-arching theory resolving this paradox.