Unemployed Ben

The worst birthday ever…..
By Unemployed Ben

Today was a day I was not looking forward to. Someone said it was because 35 was the start of becoming middle aged. My 30th birthday didn’t seem to bug me that much, I had some cash in my pocket, a woman on my arm, and a generally pretty good attitude. But this just feels different. When I was a kid and I looked ahead to what I thought I would become by my 35th year none of it has rang true.

Leading up to this day I kept thinking about all I have left to do in this world and how close I am to attaining those aspirations. Of course with my current state it hasn’t led to a very happy demeanor. And then last night I was told that I would have to find a new place to live and that it needed to happen in a couple days at the latest.

This of course caught me off guard, as it didn’t come from the person I was living with but the landlord of the place I am staying at. And why did he come to this conclusion? Because he had noticed some things that led him to conclude that I might be an unsavory person.

He saw liquor bottles in the recycling bin and decided I was a heavy drinker.
He heard that I was getting disability for my back condition and concluded that I was a lazy person taking advantage of the situation. My brother advised him one day after coming back from the store that I had just filled a prescription and so to him that meant that I was a pill popper.

So after taking all of this into consideration he told me, through my roommate that I needed to vacate the premises.

Now this came from a person I had spoken to on only two occasions, the first being an introduction and the later being a quick hello. No mention was ever made about some of the suspicions he had about me until today.

The worst part about all of this is that when my brother related this info to me it seemed like he wasn’t being truthful as he was far too nonchalant. I of course got upset and as a result wondered what was really going on. I stewed on this for a while and then received a call from all people my mother. She had just gotten off the phone with the landlord, which didn’t make any sense to me as they didn’t even know each other, and then she told me all the things he thought I was and that he was justified in wanting me out of the house. Apparently my brother had listed her as a reference and that’s how he got her number.

Now of course my mother defended me and corrected the man on what type of person I really was and that he had come to some incorrect conclusions.

This might seem like a good thing, I mean you want people close to you to defend you but this seemed like something that should have been taking place in grade school and not an adult’s life. It was like the principal called my Mommy about me misbehaving in gym class today.

After decompressing this info for a while I figured that I should just call this guy and get some of this straightened out. We talked for about 30 minutes with topics ranging from the surreal (Not taking the recycling out to the curb) and the irrational (him believing that he could get an extra $200 a month for the place). I listened to what he said but after awhile I started to wonder why I needed to justify my life to him. I then asked him why he was so involved in what he perceived to be my life. He said that as a landlord it was his responsibility to determine what kind of life I was leading. I disagreed and told him as a tenant I was seemingly perfect: I paid rent on time, kept the house clean, had no complaints from the neighbors and had asked nothing from him.

And then what I should have guessed what this was all about came into light, he asked me if I thought I was leading a blessed life. Yep you guessed it, he started telling me about Christian Ideals and that he only wanted people around him that were like minded. Now this pissed me off as it not only was blatantly illegal but was also the reason why people are turned off by religion.

I have no problem with religious people in general but I have a real problem with people that want me to conform to what they think the chosen path is and that I am somehow less of a person if I don’t bow down to their god.

He then mentioned that he had overheard me talking to my brother (He has a shop on the same property) about the fact that God was just the Adult version of a childhood imaginary friend. He added that this was the reason he felt I was a bad person.

Now this pissed me off to no end. So I reeled off my response to all of his accusations.
1. The empty liquor bottles he saw were from my brother alone and that I was at best a social drinker.
2. The back condition was quite real and then offered to show him the x-rays and the Dr’s report on my extensive nerve damage.
3. The ‘pill popping’ had just recently been started after a 12-month absence and were given to me so that I could sleep for more that 2 hours at a time.

I then asked him if he had heard of the bible verse “Judge not lest ye be judged”. He didn’t seem to like that verse of the bible as he told me that I still needed to move out.
I responded in the only way I knew how. To ask why science is such an enemy of religion? Because the problem with the religion vs. science battle is that religion can be disproven by scientific means and science cannot be disproven by religious means.

His silence spoke volumes so I left him with this question:
So what kind of dinosaur did Adam and Eve ride to work?

This might not have been the best way to leave it but he was way out of line and I know that he knew he had made a mistake but was just too proud to say otherwise. As my day winds down I am actually hoping this situation gets ugly as I would love to unleash some Jewish Lawyers on his ass and let them bring out the preverbial lions. Maybe this is just the thing to get me out of my funk. Of course I have no I idea why I would want to stay as a closest store is 25 minutes away and it sucks having to live in a place where people have garbage all over their yards.

Oh and to top it off no one remembered that it was my birthday, not that its a big deal but usually I get a few emails, some phone calls and sometimes even a card or two. Oh well I guess there was nothing to celebrate anyways.

Don’t forget:
Dinosaurs arent real
The earth is the center of the universe
A virgin birth is not only possible but plausible

Los Angeles Times - Mar 25, 2006
Special to Unemployed Ben’s Blog
By Dennis O’Brien

BELLINGHAM — Some say they have seen BigFoot, others swear that Nellie exists in Loch Ness. I am not searching for the answers to those myths, no my mission was to find the ever elusive Whatchamacallit. I embarked on this hunt packing all the necessary equipment to find this magnificent beast in its natural environment. Yep you guessed it, I had to think like a stoned hippie. So I rented a Hybrid car, strapped on my hemp jeans, lathered myself in pacculi oil, grabbed my hacky sack, and headed down to Fairhaven. After getting sidetracked by something called the Chronic I began my search. I tried to blend in so as to not alert the beatnik non-conformists and the worst hippie of all… the dreaded college know it all hippie.

I checked a few stores and came up dry. I could have checked the internet but no I wanted to find this on my own, Damn Google Damn them straight to hell!!!

Ok first off I needed to calm down a little and think about it logically. Where would I expect to find this wonderfully tasty peanut buttery bar of pure joy? I had to start thinking like someone that would have these at their local store. Someone that would know the Whatchamacallit Timeline

1978 WHATCHAMACALLIT candy bar is introduced.
1987 WHATCHAMACALLIT candy bar was reformulated and caramel was added.
2002 King Size introduced.
2002 New brand graphics.

Then I saw it, it was what appeared to be local country store where a killer game of the Hacky Sack was brewing out front. Yes this looked promising. I casually strolled into the store and looked around for my increasingly elusive bounty. I found the candy aisle and I saw it, it was a box that had the Whatchamacallit logo on it but it was empty dammit…empty. I picked up the box hoping that there was another one was behind it, there wasnt.

I felt like a vanquished foe. I had failed in my mission. As I walked up to the counter with the empty box I asked the cashier if they had anymore in the stock room, he replied that they didnt and that he had actually just sold the last one to the guy that was walking out of the store.

I perked up and knew that the chase was now on, he was a large man and was walking slowly but he had a good head start so I figured that I would barely catch him. As it turned out he was walking much slower than I anticipated and I caught up to him right outside the front door.

I called out to him “Is that a Whatchamacallit?????”

“Why yes it” he replied through a wide grin

“Can I see it” I said sheepishly

“No its mine and its the last one so it makes it twice as sweet”

“You dont understand, ive been looking for one of those for the better part of an afternoon” I pleaded

I can still hear his reply echoing in my head

“I guess it sucks to be you then”

I was crushed but I managed to keep my wits about me and get a picture of this mean chubby bastard that broke my heart and spirit, holding the white whale of Candy Bars. Sure the picture is a little grainy as I had to use the phone on my cell phone but you can see it cleary his chubby litte hands grasping that tan wrapper that spelled out Whatchamacallit.

I had been defeated, but at least now I had proof they existed and the hunt would continue. No not on this day, no this day belonged to a guy who was obviously Unemployed, had no car, hadnt touched a woman in years and had on a pair of funky smelly sandals.

I got a strange request from someone asking if they could take over my blog for a day as they had a story that needed to be told. I was a little apprehensive at first but I figured that I had nothing to lose so I gave this guy my login and password and told him to do his best.

So here is the update all you nosey mofo’s have been clamouring for.

I am still unemployed
I am still broke
I still dont have a venereal disease (You cant catch one having sex with yourself so im safe)
I have no woman
I have no car
I still watch too much tv
I live with my drunk brother who smells like old broccoli
Ive sold everthing I own to support my growing Whatchamacallit addiction
My sandals are funky
I drink only occasionally, as alcohol costs money although I am contemplating making moonshine out of potatoes
Criminal activities draw my interest far more than they used to
I got some new muscle relaxers and they make me act like a retarded chimp…but in the good way
I live in a burg where people have burnt out cars parked in their front yards
I did however cook some tasty pasta which means at least my cooking skills are intact
I am not sure what to think of the 2nd Sopranos episode this year, the alternate universe flashback thing was not that enthralling
I still only have dial-up as no high speed connections exists out here, the modem screech is painful to hear, its like im back in 1998

But hey at least I have my health…… of an 80 year old man

Over the course of the past few years I have been what you call a guinea pig for the drug companies. Trust me I not complaining as I think drugs are good if not the greatest thing ever created, if used properly.

When I first injured my back about 7 or so years ago, I went with the natural approach. I had 3-4 massages a week, chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, and even the bizarre ritual of moxobustion, which is when a small, cone-shaped amount of moxa is placed on top of an acupuncture point and burned. The purpose of moxibustion, as with most forms of traditional Chinese medicine, is to strengthen the blood, stimulate the flow of qi, and maintain general health.

Now I didnt take any drugs when I had these treatments and thats probably due to me liking an attractive masseuse rubbing me with oils for a couple hours every week. I was healed to a point but never felt I was cured.

Now 3 years ago, when I re-injured my back I went with Drugs…Drugs…and more Drugs.

First off they gave me a Skelaxin (metaxalone) a muscle relaxant and is for painful muscle spasms. Now for the pain they gave me Bextra, yep that Bextra the one that ended up killing people all over this great nation, and also caused 100’s of heart attacks and strokes. Luckily nothing happened to me. But ill tell you if you pop 2 of each of these white tablets you dont care about your back any more. Hell you dont care if your pants are on fire. Theres only one real problem and for that I will quote the manufacturer website:

‘These drugs can be habit-forming, and can lead to physical and psychological addiction”.

You also build up a tolerance rather quickly. To combat this I was then prescribed the gold standard, Vicodin!! Yep those babies do the trick and I cant tell you how many times people offered to pay me for these things. I liked them too much to sell them for profit though but just like the others you tend to build a tolerance after awhile.

At this point I started to realize that I was getting pretty addicted to these pills so I decided to stop taking them, this of course was a huge mistake because when I went back to my Dr. they figured if I could go without for a couple months than I didnt need to have them anymore. This wasnt really the case and after telling them I was only concerned with getting addicted to them they ended up giving me a new prescription but this time they didnt have the automatic refills they had before, so every time I wanted a refill I had to go back to the Dr.

After doing this for a couple of more months my tolerance was built up again and the trips to the Dr were becoming too frequent and costly, those $20 co-pays add up. So I stopped taking them about 12 months ago. This probably led directly to me leaving my job as when I was on the drugs the place didnt seem so bad, probably because I was a functioning retard with all those narcotics pumping through my blood. Of course losing my job and no longer having drugs was probably a pretty bad plan for treating a back injury. If you read back in this blog youll see plenty of evidence of that.

But recently members of my family insisted that I go to a new Orthopedic Surgeon and get a 3rd opinion on my back. Of course I wasnt holding out much hope for anything as my last Dr pretty much explained that my condition was inoperable and if any Dr in the future told me otherwise that all he was trying to do was pay for his new ski boat. He was actually pretty cool and talked to me straight, he simply told me the odds were too risky and I agreed. Subnote, my sister has had 3…count em 3 operations and is now facing a fourth because the others havent worked. Now consider that she has had bone graphs from her hip, titanium plates and screws implanted and several spinal fusions. After all this she still had severe pain and then one of the screws broke. Yep a supposedly “unbreakable” titanium screw broke in two pieces and its lodged about an inch from her spinal cord. Yep that sounds like a plan.

So at the urging of my family and to mostly shut them up I went to this new Dr, the appointment went ok. She actually seemed interested in my injury and listened for about 15 minutes as I went through all the permutations, after which she agreed with the previous diagnosis but still wanted me to have another set of x-rays and another possible MRI and Myelogram (Where a dye that can be seen on an x-ray, is injected into the fluid-filled space around the spinal cord). Yep it sounds like a blast huh? But then she pulled out her little tablet and gave me something I had almost forgot about…….DRUGS!!!! Yippeee DRUGS!!! Yep I instantly fell in love with her despite the hairy mole on her upper cheek.

I looked down at the sheets of paper and saw some new names that I can add to my list. Flexiral, a muscle relaxer that had a good sign on the bottle ‘Use caution when driving, operating machinery, or performing other hazardous activities. Flexeril may cause dizziness or drowsiness”. Yep I figured that I might have a winner with this one so I went to Google and found out ‘Flexeril is a muscle relaxant. It works by blocking nerve impulses (or pain sensations) that are sent to your brain’. So it was my brain all along that had been fucking with me and now I had a warrior to attack it so I was now feeling like William Wallace at The Battle of Stirling Bridge.

And the next little pill was something called Oxycodone. The web had this warning listed first ‘Do not crush, chew, or break controlled-release forms of oxycodone. Swallow them whole. They are specially formulated to release oxycodone slowly into your system. Breaking them would cause too much drug to be released into the blood at one time leading to a potentially fatal dose of oxycodone”.

Yep this will be just fine thank you. So of course I took one of each and felt like I was navigating a magic carpet within 30 minutes. I also slept like a log, something I hadnt done in about a year. These were magic pills and whoever created them should be given a lordship, or at the very least a small tropical island.

On Friday I went to go get my x-rays done and they seemed to have a new system because of a new digital process. This actually was pretty lame because with the old system all I had to do was lay on this big rotating table and they did all the work. On this one I had to do all the work and that isnt too fun when you cant even tie your own shoes. I had to lay down on a small table and twist my body in all sorts of ways to get the 12 different angles that are needed. I hobbled out of that office pretty much pissed off and on top of that I still had to get out of the assless gown that gave my boys a cool draft that they hadnt really asked for.

But I then went home and took some of my new happy pills and all was forgiven, I tell you they should give these pills to everyone. Hey I am all for having a hottie rub me with hot oil but Jack had his beans and Unemployed Ben has his Magic Pills and he aint giving them up without a fight.

Having needles stuck in your back or having happy hour every hour?
Not much of a choice is it?

My back condition has changed me.

Its made me do things I never thought I would do.

Its made me wonder what if more than I ever have.

Its made me behave in ways I never knew I would.

Its made me wonder how come a whole lot more.

Its made me want things more than ever.

Its made me settle for a lot less than I used to.

Its made me suffer a lot more than I’ve had to.

Its made me think a lot more than I ever had to.

Its made question a lot more than I ever wanted to.

Its made me miss a lot more than I had ever hoped to.

Its made me see more than I ever thought I would.

Its made me feel more than I ever wanted to.

Its made me go lower than I ever wanted to go.

Its given me insights, its given me strenghts.

Its also taken away strengths. Its also taken away hope…at times.

Its opened my eyes but also changed my view.

Ive been mocked because of it.

Ive been embarrased because of it.

Ive been lazy because of it.

Ive been challenged because of it.

Ive been frustrated, angry, but still laughing because of it.

Its made me see all that I really have and all that I will never get because of it.

Its helped me push people away.

Its let me close myself in.

Its let me see who I really am.

Its unforgiving.

Its unrelenting.

Its perpetual, persistent, pitiless, remorseless, ruthless, tenacious, unabated, unbending, unflinching, unremitting, unsparing, unwavering, unyielding.

Some days it consumes me.

Some days I fight, other days I abdicate.

Sometimes I use it like a crutch to lean on.

But mostly it just hurts, makes me feel weak, and angers me.

Those words signaled the return of Unemployed Ben’s favorite tv show and for the first time in 16 months a new episode aired tonight.

Why does this show capture my interest? It could be the gunfire, the buckets of blood or maybe even the continually fraying relationships, all of which make me want more of Tony Soprano and his dysfunction.

The main character Tony himself is somewhat unlikable on the surface, he has killed numerous people, is mean and cruel to his wife and yet somehow I end up wanting to see him do these dirty deeds over and over because he is such a powerful force, an undeniable screen presence that so few actors have these days. And maybe its because although he runs a crime family and has absolute power in that realm no matter how many people he kills he can’t control his kids, or wife, or even at times his work associates. The contradiction this creates is turned inward as stress, so Tony is subject to panic attacks, pops Prozac and sees a head shrinker.

Maybe its a lifetime of happy endings in movies that has made it okay and maybe even refreshing to actually root for the bad guy. Few programs have won as much praise as The Sopranos and few have excelled with a morally bankrupt and ruthless cast of characters, with men to whom killing is just their day job. Even the New York Times harkened its return with the headline “Brutality and Betrayal, Back with a Vengeance”.

The show tells us a lot about America, but what does it say about us that we watch it?

Think of the United States. We have all this wealth and power and yet we can’t seem to control events either. We seem to have everything and yet we can’t seem to control anything, and so maybe we relate to Tony because he reflects what we see in everyday lives, a lack of control.

This hasnt always been the pervasive outlook and no doubt changes might someday make the show seem outdated. But for now, it seems to fit the climate of the age we live in.

Who knows, maybe I am over thinking this one but after seeing the first episode and how it ended, the show hasnt lost any of its grit, graphic realism or personal dilemmas. Either way its nice to have this old friend back in my life.

In a couple weeks I’m going to reach a milestone birthday and I’m not too pleased. It has led me to the conclusion that I’m now officially old. Old DAMMIT!!!!!

I’ve noticed subtle changes over time but I didn’t put the clues together until now.

Some of the clues to turning old:

Hair started sprouting everywhere!!!! Ears, nose even my back. My BACK dammit! I don’t even have to wear a sweater to stay warm, I have my own permanent cashmere growing on my shoulder blades.

Waking up to go to the bathroom

Going to sleep before 1am

Taking afternoon naps

Getting annoyed by loud music

Shaking my head at kids with long hair and baggy pants

Going to the pharmacy more frequently than the grocery store

Moaning and grimmacing when getting up from a sitting or laying position

When I wake up my body snaps, crackles, and pops like a bowl of Rice Krispies

The Smithsonian just requested my participation in the exhibit of The Evolution Of Man

The other day a passing funeral procession paused to see if I needed a lift

It takes two tries to get up from the couch

My address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

Pretty soon I will be wearing my pants up to my armpits and going to the early bird special at the Old Country Buffet.


The old only know one thing, its better to be young!!

Snap…Crackle…Pop….good morning

I begged borrowed and stole a camera in order to let the fans of the now World Famous Unemployed Bens blog catch a glimpse into the world of a celebrity blogger.

Shot 1:
This is from my private beach, my driver took me down there in my stretch Escalade with spinning 20’s and I spent the afternoon sipping on a bottle of Cristal through a straw.

Shot 2:
These are the totem poles I have in my auto court. I commisioned renowned Native American artist Chief Bathes in Money to create an original piece to give my palatial estate some character.

Shot 3:
This is the view from my servants quarters. This is where my french maids sleep, they tend to my every need and whim.

Shot 4:
This is where I park my 75 foot yacht, its got a heli-pad cause thats the way celebrities roll.

I was going through some old emails and I came across the following from a young woman I used to know.

‘Do you know that sometimes I wake up in the morning not knowing where my
pants are or how they came off… That really scares me’

Now this statement might seem a little shocking if you didnt know her but what shocks me most is that I havent kept in touch with a woman that drinks a lot and tends to forget where her pants are the next morning. This is the kind of woman that I need to be hanging with, the kind of woman that might forget that I am unemployed, have no money, have no car and live with my brother on the outer reaches of the world where things like natural gas and high speed internet access are but a dream.

So with that said I am declaring “NO PANTS DAY” on May 7th…..at my place.

At this very moment while baseball teams are playing their first spring training games of 2006 optimism is at an all time high, another sport is at a crossroads. The NFL is at a labor impasse and it is starting to look like an ugly situation that will have a domino effect on everything from free agency, salary caps, and might even create a potential player lockout.

It’s a battle over similar and familiar themes; it’s about money and who gets the bigger piece of the pie. The NFL operates a lot differently the other major sports and it has led them to succeed where the other leagues have failed. There is a perception that because the NFL players don’t have guaranteed contracts, like in baseball, and are subject to salary caps that they are getting less money. The reality is that the players in the NFL actually get the largest piece of the pie as they get 52% of all revenue. They have 2 for 1 matching 401k programs and the best health care package offered in the country.

There is also the perception that because they do not have these guaranteed deals and are at risk of injury that the Union has failed them when the reality is that most players have insurance policies and will get financial compensation if they are injured and are unable to play. You see a lot of players getting cut because of the salary cap issues but what you don’t see is that in these contracts the received huge signing bonuses that they get to keep. The contracts are structured a certain way so that they are back loaded and players know that they will usually never reach the 4th year of a 7 year deal. If it comes to that 4th year salary and the team wants to keep them they will end up deferring money and restructuring the contract. This is rarely hear about in public and that is why there are so many incentives in contracts; pro bowls made, percentage of minutes played, even roster bonuses for just showing up at training camp on time.

Because of all these back room deals the league was able to be the most stable professional sport in the 1990’s and into the 21st century. All the other leagues had lockouts and strikes. The 1994 baseball strike that cancelled the World Series played a huge part in how the NFL became Americas ‘new’ national past time.

The league grew in popularity and when fantasy football started to take off, the TV Networks took note and gave them a massive TV Deals that simply dwarfed what had ever been seen. The combined 1990 contracts with ABC, CBS, ESPN, NBC, and TNT totaled to $3.6 billion, the largest in TV history. Just eight years later this increased tenfold to 14 billion. The impact of these deals still resonates today. The structure of the profit sharing in the NFL is unique; every team gets an equal share. This 14 billion dollar deal essentially guaranteed that every team would turn a profit, even the ones with bad stadium deals.

As popularity skyrocketed, a couple of teams moved to new cities that offered stadiums that were essentially free to the team and included sweetheart deals involving concessions profits and even provided maintenance of the buildings. The teams virtually got to use the stadium and didn’t have to pay anything for its upkeep and even got to share in its profits at unprecedented levels. This was because these communities knew how much income that an NFL team brings into a city. On home game Sundays, all the hotels are booked, the restaurants are full and money is being spent on everything that the city offers.

This scared some cities and the owners now had the ultimate leverage, as a result cities all over the country started to pass legislative measures to pay for stadiums so that they wouldn’t loss their teams like Cleveland and Houston did. This added even more money to the coffers of the owners’ wealth. They had huge revenues from the luxury suits and some even charged for seat licenses for its best seats. To give you an example, if you were a Seahawks season ticket holder from the beginning (1976) you undoubtedly had some great seats. If you wanted to keep the same seats that you had in the Kingdome in the new stadium it would cost you $7500 per seat to ‘reserve’ the right to purchase them every year. I personally know one person that had four seats for 27 years and had seen every Seahawks home game. He received the option of paying $30,000 to keep the seats he had sat in. Not only that but the price of the actual season tickets had just tripled in price. His once $55 seat was now $165. So to be able to watch the Seahawks from the same seats he had for almost three decades he would have to come up with an additional $34,440. That’s a Cadillac CTS!!! Plus he would still need to come up with the $2200 that he normally spent for the tickets. So the total for the first year would be $36,640. Add a Bose audio package to that CTS.

So instantly the owners were making 3…4…even 5 times what they were with the old stadiums just a few short years ago. Add this new network deal that quadrupled the previous amount and the $30 million they were making in 1990 was now $200 millions… or even more.

So with that said, what are the most important things needed in football?
A) The players
B) The stadiums
C) A supportive community
D) Good management

Did you notice what I did not include? Yep you guessed in the owners. They are no longer needed because the things that an owner used to provide be are no longer relevant. Owners used to be vital because the league needed someone that was a successful business owner and someone with enough financial wherewithal to cover operational losses. These things are no longer needed. Each franchise is guaranteed to make money, there is no risk.

Each community that is lucky enough to have an NFL franchise should look at how Green Bay has been doing it for years. The local fans own the team. Some years back they decided to make the team public and offer the stock to the residents of Green Bay. This would ensure the team would never leave and the loyalty of the fan base would benefit all of them. They would become the owner and largest shareholder. They would have a board of directors and operate as all other teams did but instead of one owner hiring his friends and unqualified personnel, a committee would run it. They would hire the front office and all profits would be put back into the team and its facilities. Some 30 years later, it is a model franchise and the main reason is because everything they do is for the betterment of the team and community. They are the smallest market to have a sports franchise but you wouldn’t know it my team success and loyalty, not to mention financial windfalls.

Every community should purchase the teams from the owners and take them out of the equation. The money that they had to put into the stadiums would be made back tenfold. You might be thinking that I am overreacting but this would eliminate the threat of teams saying they will move, this virtual black mailing of the local communities will cease to exist.