Unemployed Ben

“Im trying to be a good teammate here but …… “- Peyton Manning in his post game press conference in explaining why they didnt win

An interesting way to start off a statement. Its been done in many forms before but we all know that when someone has to qualify their statement before making it, it tends to emphasize the point that they were trying not to make.

Let me give you some examples of my favorite quotes of the year and how I interpret them:

“First off I want to tell you that he is not a bad guy” — Drew Rosenhaus’s opeeing statement in the press conference defending Terrell Owens suspension

Everyone knows the difference between a good and a bad person and its fairly obvious a guy who tells his coach to shut up and challenges everyone on his team to a fist fight is not a good guy. If his opening statement would have been something about his atheletic ability or his accomplishments on the field then he might have avoided some serious rolling of eyeballs but Drew knew deep down that he was representing an less than model employee and his opening line proved that even he couldnt avoid this topic. You can defend a bad person for being a bad person, but only if there was a reason that dictated his behaivor and that it can somehow justified what he did. Not getting to renogotioate a $42 million contract after the first year is not one of those.

“Wow! Brazil is big.” -George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil by Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, Brasilia, Brazil, Nov. 6, 2005

Okay I dont have much to add to this other that this emphasizes the man is an idiot. He represents the American people everywhere he goes and this is his statement? Let me guess, Canada is cold, the middle east is sandy and Africa is full of black people.

“I have never used steroids. Period.”
— Rafael Palmeiro when testifying at a March 17 hearing on steroids. Less than two months later, Palmeiro tested positive for the anabolic steroid stanozolol and received a 10-day ban from baseball.

Translation? I have been given steroids, I just never injected myself. Now this would have been very clever if he hadnt tested positive 2 months later. But when he did test positive he blamed his teammate for giving him tainted Vitamin B-12. Yep another good guy.

“Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.”
— Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez on the benefits of seeing a therapist

Im not crazy I only act that way and now im getting help for acting crazy even though I never really did.
This guy is so disliked that his nickname is the “Cooler” after a character in the movie of the same name that has such bad mojo that he can cause people in a casino to lose just by walking by the table. This is in reference to every team he left got better the next year, something that doesnt make sense considering his production.

“When you can get a discount at Denny’s, it’s time to retire.”
— Charles Barkley, discussing the retirement of 41-year-old Karl Malone

This is pretty easy, Charles is saying that he wishes he was still playing and that he would have taken better care of his body so that he could have played 20 years. His nickname? The round mound of rebound, just dont say it to his face. You can actually hear him pleading in his prayers at night “oh lord why couldnt I have been born 10 years later, the league is so soft right now and I wouldnt have to play Michael Jordan and have him take me over his knee and treat me like misbehaving child.

“Screw the nano. What the hell does the nano do? Who listens to 1,000 songs?” — Motorola’s Zander letting his real feelings show about Apple Computer Inc.’s music player, which overshadowed Motorola’s new Rokr phone during a product launch.

Translation: Penis envy, plain and simple. About 3 million people listen to that many songs…. at least thats what the Nano’s sales figures show. Note to Motorola, stick to form over function, aka the Razr, its worked well for the SideKick. Plus thats all that America is about anyways, how else could you explain 30 million people a week watching other people perform karaoke on tv (American Idol).

“We weren’t paying attention, we got distracted by all these people with pierced body parts and blue hair.” — Larry Singer, vice president, global information systems strategy at Sun Microsystems (Profile, Products, Articles) Inc., citing the real reason the company lost its edge during the dot-com era. (Sept. 12.)

Translation: Its hard to pay attention to day to day affairs when your golfing in Bermuda. Being stinking rich is great isnt it? Hey is my lear gassed up yet? I need to make it to Spain by sundown. And where the hell are my grape feeders? Am I suppossed to have to put them into my own mouth?

“What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. So many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.”
Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on hurricane refugees in the Houston Astrodome.

Translation: Black people dont vote and if they do its usually for Democrats so they dont really count. Its strange they wouldnt want to go home though, their houses are flooded, there is no running water, no electricity, no sewage system or food and water. I guess they should have just all gone to their vacation homes in Kennebunkport when the storm was approaching.

“You did not notice $25 million was missing from your W-2?”
Prosecutor Ann Donnelly, to former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski at his trial for securities fraud. The ousted executive, who was found guilty, insisted he wasn’t aware the hefty bonus hadn’t been noted on his 1999 tax return.

Translation: The Enron bastards had Bush as a confidant but you sir are screwed. One of my favorite lines of the year.

“Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don’t even-you’re glib. You don’t even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, OK? That’s what I’ve done… You don’t know the history of psychiatry. I do.” -Tom Cruise, to “Today” show host Matt Lauer, on psychiatry

Translation: Im crazier than a shit house rat, if I reached back inserted my forefinger into my ass, pulled it out and started licking it like a popsicle you wouldnt be the least bit surprised would you?

By the way did you know the basis for my religon? An evil galactic overlord, Xenu, collected all the billions of people from 76 planets and brought them to earth. Xenu then stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with H bombs. He then implanted their souls with false memories. As a result there are a few thousand clusters of these confused souls now in all of our heads. Yep Scientology is completly rational.

They also have different levels for the members of the ‘church’, its based upon how much they have given both monatarially and added with recruitment. Tom Cruise is an OT level 7. This level gives you the ability to fly and move stuff with your mind. If only he would have used those skills in War of the Worlds, he could have defeated those pesky invaders much faster.

And now my favorite comment of the year:

“You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.” George W Bush–to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

Yep the American dream, working 16 hours a day 7 days a week while trying to raise 3 kids. Maybe she should move to the Houston Astrodome where its all rainbows and wine tastings. Its a sad testiment to the state of the country when you actually envy the residents of New Orleans.

“Wow, Brazil is big” — George W. Bush, after being shown a map of Brazil