The future is now
Today I read that Gerald Ford has pneumonia and is in the hospital as well, yep me and Ford are sick buddies. I at least was smart enough to bring my laptop with me. Thankfully I was able to hack into some wireless network that im sure is supposed to be for only dr’s and admisintratators. Ive refrained from porn so far but not sure how long I can hold out as one of the nurses was really taking her time with the cathetor 
One of the downsides of being sick last week was not being able to check out all the new stuff being introduced at the CES show. Ive always been a big fan of consumer electronics and my sickness only temporarily slowed that enthusiasm. So as all I have to do is watch basic cable and surf the internet I figured I would a list of coolest new tech items. So without further ado:
Unemployed Ben’s Tech Roundup
Toshiba Gigabeat S Series Portable Media Center
Highlights: Brushed aluminum shell, QVGA screen and full support of the new Vongo service which allows downloads from the Starz cable network. Being able to take porn videos with you is now possible plus you can freeze frame “Into the blue” and stare at the sculpted ass of Ms.Alba at work, the subway and even the gorcery store. Yep, finally proof there is a higher power.
Sony BDP-S1 Blu-Ray DVD Player
This is something that has been brewing for some time and has now come down to a fight for High Definition DVD’s between rivals Sony and Toshiba. It seems like a familiar theme as companies can never agree on technology thus the reason why there is 9 different types of memory cards but this time Sony wont go down like they did in the Beta/VHS battle. Their technology will allow for 100 GB discs and create the best viewing experience for movies that will likely ever exist in the 2D realm. Plus anything that makes a more lifelike rendering of Jessica Alba is alright by me.
Sanyo Xacti HD1 HD video recorder
Highlights: Can shoot 720p Hi Def video, take 5 MegaPixel still images and all in a size smaller that the original Walkman plus at a price of $800 is the first Hi-Def camera below the $2000 price range that is affordable for the masses. This product had the most buzz of any product this year other than Jessica Alba’s new life like sex doll with suction control.
Panasonic 103-inch Plasma TV The worlds largest
Details: 1920 x 1080 progressive-scan resolution and a 3,000:1 contrast ratio
Plus any TV that is 7 and a half-feet long, 4-feet tall, has about 30 square feet of viewing space gets my vote. I mean that’s 30 square feet of Jessica Alba for goodness sake, what else do you need to know?
ZenSys Z-Wave Home networking
Finally what we have been hearing about for years will be available to the masses. This little device will allow you to turn on your lights, warm up your oven or even start your car on a cold morning all from a device the size of your mobile phone. This should allow for a new sense of comfort and security not to mention the ability to make sure you turned off that iron before you left the house to pick up the new Jessica Alba workout video.
Toshiba SED TV The ultimate in TV technology (Surface-conduction Electron-emitter Display)
This is something that has been talked about for a couple of years and a few companies even lost 100’s of millions trying to develop this technology but it seems Toshiba and Canon were able to make it work, much to the amazement of the tech world. Not only did they announce it but they demo’d it for everyone. One described it as going from black and white fuzzy picture to HDTV. Except the difference is HDTV is the B&W fuzzy screen compared to this. Seems a massive amount of money will be needed to own one but I also remember the days of 25k plasma’s and that wasnt too long ago. Will Jessica Alba seem almost too real on this tv? Will I offer her a glass of wine and imported cheese by accident thinking she was actually sitting in my living room?
(No picture available at this time)
Robosapien Robots are now our friends
This one sports a hidden camera in its head, opposable thumbs and the ability to be controlled from a laptop or Pocket PC. Maybe I’ll send one to Jessica Alba and tell her its a high tech tooth brush holder and then we can set up a shower cam that will make us millions of pecos.
Well there you have it, my choices for the hot new tech items of the upcoming year.
SideNote: This column is not endorsed by Jessica Alba or Universal Pictures in any way. And all the rumors about a restraining order are not true, though the one about her bodyguard throwing me into a blackberry bush is true, I guess he was startled by my parachutting onto her Malibu beachhouse roof….by accident.
Well its time for me to sign off and beep the nurse as this cathetor is beginning to pinch a bit.