We have a man down
For the past 5 days Unemployed Ben has been infected, no its not a case of herpes or even gonorrhea. Nope its the Flu!! Yep the guy that rarely leaves his crappy apartment went out into the world around Christmas time and what was my gift? A head that feels like a vice is squeezing it like the Joe Pesci scene in Casino. My head weighs about 10 more pounds than usual due to inordinate amount of mucus and puss that has accumulated. I have gone through 2 boxes of Klenex, 2 boxes!! And I am not talking about the vanity boxes, I’m talking about the heavy duty 300 count box. And ill tell you… after I get done with each sheet it has some weight to it, I mean that light piece of feathery paper has some gravity. Its like Heath Ledger in BrokeBack Mountain, it has serious girth. This isn’t the thin clear liquid of a cold this is thick yellow chunky gravy type snot; if I had a crack in my wall I could use it as Spackle.
Everything involving food makes me nauseous, I drink about a half of glass of OJ and then I set the glass down and lay back moaning in pain. I ordered a pizza tonight, not because is sounded good but because I hadn’t really had anything to eat in over 3 days. When the pizza arrived it didn’t smell half bad but all I got was through a half of slice before my stomach said “what the hell do you think your doing’?
Every time I sneeze my brain tries to escape through my eyeballs, but gets snapped back into my cranial region and bounces around for about 60 seconds sending wave after wave of knee buckling pain.
My days consist of shots of Nyquil, sleep and a foggy haze of consciousness. People call me and they are shocked by how bad I sound and then we talk for 10-15 minutes and yet I dont remember anything I said after we hang up. I swear that when my mother called I fell asleep for 5 minutes and she was still talking about bizarre home remedies and how when she was a kid half of all kids died when they got the flu. Thanks for the pick me up mom!! My brother calls 2 times a day to see if I want to go get something to eat. I mean what the fuck man, I ate some Pez from my x-mas stocking and chundered, I dont see us going out to scarf some Heurvos Rancheros.
So today I bit the bullet and went to the dr, I figured some anti-biotics might help. When I finally saw him and started talking he literally took 2 steps back and went “aarghhh”. I mean when your doctor is repelled by your physical appearance and actions then you know its bad. I mean these people see some messed up puta’s and still I am the repulsive one. So he took mercy on me and handed over some anti-biotics and even some muscle relaxers for my back. Might have been the best dr’s appointment of my life, maybe that’s the trick…be so fucking nasty that they don’t even examine you and throw drug scripts at you so that they can escape your disease riddin carcass.
So whats the lesson the be learned from all of this? Never leave your home because everyone else is diseased and dont wash their hands after going dookie.
But at least I dont have it as bad as this poor bastard.
