The year in review
This was without a doubt the longest year of my life.
I battled health problems, financial difficulties, became unemployed for the longest span of my life and finally looked within myself to who I really was.
I swallowed my pride and reconnected with my brother even though every time I see him it pains me.
I bonded with sister but there is still a wall between us, we are two very different people.
I hung out with one of my young cousins and saw what it might be like to see myself raising a son.
I immersed myself into photography, which opened up a whole new world.
I started writing on a consistent basis for the first time since high school.
I began to see the limitations of what I will be able to do physically for the rest of my life and it made me sad but at the same time thankful that I had done almost everything I had dreamed of doing in that realm and do things that most people will never do.
I saw my first opening day in person at Safeco field. Richie Sexson hit two homeruns and they won, it was the highlight of a long season.
I had one of the finest meals of my life and that’s saying a lot because I’ve had some immensely satisfying meals.
I talked about things with a good friend of mine that I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about.
I watched far too much tv and surfed the internet excessively. I didn’t read as many books as I should have but I read a lot anyways.
I came up with a lot of questions that I am still struggling to answer:
What if my best isn’t good enough and will never be?
What if I wasn’t meant to excel?
What if my greatest achievements are barely even obstacles for others?
Did I wait too long to make my move?
Wasted opportunity or just no opportunities to make?
Was there something I was supposed to achieve? Some path I didn’t take?
Is it only in our dreams where man can be truly free?
What will my legacy be?
How easily will I be forgotten?
Who will speak of me?
What will they say?
Does anyone really know who am I and what I strived to be?
Did I need someone else to push me to succeed? Is an inner drive a given or just seeded by another?
Are thoughts and aspirations the only place where hope lies?
A year of looking at things from a different viewpoint, striving to find my own voice…. living at times in quiet desperation.
Getting angry, getting violent, finding pleasure in unseemly things. Reaching out…falling down…staying down…reveling in the low points.
Tried to stop thinking about what is right or wrong and began believing that my truest instincts are the ones to follow. To not have to think but just act.
Knowing that I might never know who I really am. Battling inner conflicts and failed expectations. Invented artificial boundaries to help me feel secure and then trying to break them down.
Fought tremendous demons but succumbed to temptation.
At times felt all alone and desperate.
Not knowing what the future holds and being at peace with it.
Finding at times an empty soul and inflated pride, knowing that we shall at some point… go cold and die.
2005 was a profound year for me in a lot of ways, through fear, chaos, pain and desperation I found some clarity that I might not have discovered if I hadn’t broken the mold of my boring existence. At my lowest moments came my greatest insights. I am still not sure if it was a turning point or the ending but I know now that I am closer to finding the answers that I am seeking.
Heard today that you are where you live. The place you spend the most amount of time in reflects who you are or what you’ve become.
Came across an interesting article on independent movies, it was Giants top 50 of all time. I perused the list and I have to agree with most of it. I guess I never realized that some of the movies on the list were actually independent but what surprised me the most was the fact that so many of my favorite movies were on it as well. So without further ado its Unemployed Ben’s top 10 independant movies of all frickin time, in no particular order. 
This movie holds certain memories for me, mostly from late night viewings with a living room full of people. This was at a time when I was working in restaurants and many of my friends happened to floor staff (Waiters), so when the movie is still in its infancy and Mr. Pink starts his dialogue about not tipping I will always remember the reactions of my friends, it always made the movie a lot more personal to me. 
This movie has in my opinion the greatest surprise ending in cinematic history, the kind of ending that made me stand up and shout to the screen ‘No fucking way’. It’s the type of ending that blows the entire movie away, you have no Idea what had actually happened and what was total bullshit. To this day when I watch it I still cant really decide what was real or not. Amazing movie with some of the most ‘in the moment’ acting ive ever seen. 
My memories are so vivid of the night I saw this for the first time. I was 15 years old and me and a buddy walked over 4 miles in the middle of the night to score some weed. A friend of his had some but neither of us had a car so we decided to walk. When we got there we proceeded to get seriously baked and then the guy that lived in the house decided to pop in this movie. We were all totally immersed in the story, when the movie ended all we did was talk about it over another session of pass the doobie. Soon me and my buddy realized it was 4am and we had to walk home again, luckily we actually decided to hitch a ride home and were almost immediately picked up by this professor from WWU. He drove us 95% of the way and we were able to sneak back home without any parental figures catching us. 
I watched this movie with my brother and when it ended I was pretty much stunned quiet, I was just staring at the screen when the credits rolled. It was so raw and about a subject matter I was unfamiliar with at that point in my life. The first truly violent movie that I ever saw. After a few minutes my brother called me a fucking retard as he didn’t have the same reaction, I think he was pissed off that I had actually connected with this movie and he hadn’t. One of the many things that me and my brother would differ on. 
First real drug movie I ever saw outside of Cheech and Chong. I remember being uncomfortable watching this movie, the real first time I had ever felt that way when watching a movie. It was so realistic that it made me think anyone was capable of being sucked into this life, was probably the biggest reason that I know why I never tried heroin. 
First romantic comedy that I ever enjoyed. More of a dark comedy than anything, I first saw it after a dinner party with a couple of female friends of mine. I was laughing my ass off the whole way through the film and it really reinforced my respect for John Cusack. Even though it was a violent film the women I was with seemed to enjoy it even more than I did. Its also very re-watchable and a good flick to recommend to a friend as most people haven’t seen it. 
This is an instant classic, it had its own vibe, its own language. Even though I had never been to L.A. I could relate to the false machismo and how a guy will almost say or do anything to get laid. Last scene of the movie is a favorite of mine as it really puts a huge divide between who are the good guys and who are the players and what that really means. So many scenes hit home. Everyone I knew was addicted to the same video games they were playing in a couple of scenes and the late night drunken phone call was so painful to watch. It just felt so real. I’ve seen this movie dozens of times and its always a good one to watch with some friends and some martinis. 
As I am a huge Bill Murray fan I was pretty pumped to see this movie. I watched this one all alone and it was the perfect setting. The performances were so nuanced, it was a lot like what good jazz is, it is off beat. It wasn’t a movie about dialogue it was about subtlety in facial expressions and body language. I also liked the mystery at the end where whispered last words are never revealed. It was interesting to later read that the whole movie was shot commando style, they didn’t have permission to shoot anywhere due to the budget and cost of Japan so they just winged it. I think that it shows through in the movie, it just has a different feel to it. 
I didn’t see this movie until almost 20 years after it was released. They re-released a director’s cut and I was able to see a midnight showing at a local theatre. This is one only 2 movies on this list I got to see on the big screen, as being from a small town independent movies never showed up here and when I was in Seattle I had only one mission, drink and see bands. 
This movie hit home with me as I’ve had a lot of contact with pretentious wine connoisseurs. I’ve known people exactly like the ones portrayed in this movie thats why I seem to enjoy it more than most of my friends. 
