Unemployed Ben

I get asked a question often by my friends and even though I generally respond with the same answer it never really seems to sink in so I decided to tell these people and others what a typical day of mine is like. I am going to be honest so if your in a good mood or are just looking for a laugh, please stop now and leave as thats not what my typical day is about. I tend to joke around on this blog to help me escape from my boring day but as you’ll see its just a mask.

8:15 am - Woke up due to a car outside my window stalling and the owner revving his engine. Had a dream that I was shot by a guy with a sniper rifle, wasn’t surprised I had this dream as I had watched a special on the Kennedy assassination right before going to bed.

My upper back was in a lot of pain; it was a weird feeling, almost as if a vice was clamping down. Every deep breath seems to aggravate it; I decided that shallow breaths would be the better route. I got out of bed and felt my lower back tighten, this is pretty typical I walked over to the wall and placed my hands against them and helped prop myself up into a standing position. Sure its a painful experience but one that I’m used to.

After leaving the bathroom I turn on the radio and listen to a little sports talk while I check my email.

8:30 am - I email my sister about what to get for our cousins birthday, then email my mother about making some dinner on Sunday for the immediate family. I reply to a few other emails from friends and decided to make some orange juice. When I get up my upper back once again makes itself known, so after I pour glass of OJ, I down 3 Aleve and lay down on the sofa.

8:45 am - I turn on some soft jazz and flip on CNN. I just chill for about a half an hour, trying not to do anything that will cause pain and discomfort and let the pain reliever set in.

9:15 am - I go and grab some more juice and set down again at the computer to read some morning news. I browse the google news page and peep some stories on the new holographic storage possibilities, it seems like out of science fiction but is all too real. I also read about Republican Congress Randy “Duke” Cunningham pleading guilty to receiving $2.4 million in bribes from military contractors and evading more than $1 million in taxes. Apparently this guy ws the basis for the film Top Gun as he was a exceptional fighter pilot.

10:00 am - Decide to see what’s available to grub on and soon realize that there really isnt any food as the cupboards are bare. I take stock of my money situation and that only gets me more depressed. Glad I don’t own a firearm, as it would be too tempting.

10:15 am - After sitting back down again by back isn’t doing too well and for some reason I start to think I may have cracked a rib or something as I haven’t felt this pain before. I decide to just lay down again and listen to some Jim Rome. The show that I used to listen to almost everyday at work 2-3 years ago has slipped some. The callers seem to read everything off of a piece of paper and their “Takes” seemed rehearsed and impersonal. Jim even remarks that he no longer hosts a caller driven radio show and its due to his callers. He seems defeated and then talks about going to satellite radio, I assume for the money.

11:00 am - I grab the paper and read about Ferndale’s high school football team advancing to the state championship and how the QB (Jake Locker) is UW’s savior. I then read about the team they will be playing and that they have a QB that has broken the states TD record of 63. Thats 63 in a single season, not a career. This seems almost unbelievable. I also read about some expansion in downtown but as this story shows up on about a revolving 6-month basis I don’t really pay much attention. The people that run our town have so little vision I wonder how they don’t all wear Mr. Magoo glasses.

11:30 am - My back is still hurting so I pop 3 more Aleve and wonder if all these little blue pills are eating away a kidney or liver. Not really even sure if they are doing anything anymore but as I don’t have health insurance its really my only option. I turn on some classic rock and read some old Rolling Stone articles that Cameron Crowe wrote back in the 1980’s. One was his basis for Fast Times at Ridgemont High, seems the whole point of him pretending to be a senior at the age of 22 was to see what kind of tv the ‘kids’ were watching nowadays. He basically found out that so many of them needed money for cars, gas and beer and weed that they all had jobs and rarely watched tv. Kind of cool as what ended up being one story ended up being a seminal movie and really created the teen movie. He also noted that he thought the movie sucked at the first screening and was going to be a big flop. He ended up going to a few theatres on opening weekend just to see how bad it went over and soon realized that all the young people loved it and were laughing at his dialogue, he said from then on he was hooked and could now call himself a screenwriter.

1:00 pm - Listen to the Dan Patrick show and Michael Irvin is on trying to explain how he had a pipe under the car seat of his Benz when he was pulled over by the cops for speeding. His story is a long one and a pretty ridiculous one at that. Dan actually told him that drug users and alcoholics are the best liars because they have to be and Michael reacts to this in a strange way almost as if he had never contemplated this before. “Oh really?” is his response, at this point Dan explains that his father was a drinker and knows all about the deceit as he grew up with it. He then asks Michael if he would take a drug test to clear this matter up. Mike says he will have to talk to his lawyer because of ‘legal issues’ and which point Dan pretty much ends the interview. He explains after that he wants to believe his friend but the evidence is pretty telling and that his refusing to get a drug test was a sure sign of his trepidation.

I listen until 2pm as Keith Oberman now joins Dan for an hour a day and this happens to be his hour. These guys are so good together its a shame it took 8 years for them to team up again. These are the guys that made SportsCenter and ESPN with the Big Show every Sunday night. This was back when each game wasnt just highlights on a screen but was actual story telling with suspenseful ending. It’s a real shame what has become of the show nowadays, it mostly about hype and stories that attempt to pull at your heartstrings but rarely succeed. Its a shell of its former self but I guess all good things evolve into something that pales in comparison to its original intent.

2:00 pm - At this point I remember that Papa Johns sent me a coupon for a free Pizza for being a good customer so I put it into use and order me a pie. Even though they charge me $2 for delivery its still a cheap lunch and then dinner. I respond to a few of my emails from earlier in the day and plan on making some lasagna for the Sunday dinner.

2:40 pm - My door is knocked and I pay for my Pie, I tip the guy a buck and he laughs that the total was only $2. The open door is now reinforcing how cold it has gotten outside so I bid pizza dude a due and ramble on back to my sofa. The pie is good as only free pie can be.

3:00 pm - I check the weather forecast and its says we are due for our first snow of the year. I roll on over to weather.com and check out the satellite maps. Looks like it could be a bigger storm than they are saying.

3:30 pm - I check on my fantasy football team for awhile and when I try to stand up my lower back seizes up and I am dropped back down into my chair. This is pretty typical but is always frustrating and painful. I force myself to stand up using a chair to assist me and then I grab a coke and down a few more Aleve yep I can feel my kidneys burning away.

3:35 pm - I decide to watch a movie, The flight of the phoenix, which pretty much sucks but at least it kills 2 hours in my boring day.

5:40 pm - Watch a little pre-game for the MNF battle, I am avoiding ESPN because crack head Michael will be on their with his pinstripe suit talking about that if the ‘Pipe isnt lit you must acquit’. I am biding my time until kickoff so I decide to turn on a little a little tuneage, a couple good songs come on and I kind of space thinking of a party I attended in high school that had a bad garage band who attempted the Don Henley song ‘Boys of Summer’. They butchered it and were almost booed off of the stage.

6:08 pm - Damn almost missed the kickoff, thinking this should be a good game. Soon after the start it becomes evident only one team showed up to play.

7:30 pm - Halftime starts so I head over to the computer and attempt to work on a few websites ive been building for quite awhile. I don’t really have much of a desire to publish them as they are just a learning tool for me to learn html.

8:30 pm - I am watching the game at the same time I finally get a custom form to work on the site. I’m pretty please with myself and think of the different uses for the application. I drop in a few pictures and the whole thing takes on a different light. Sometimes I am amazed at technology and this is one of those moments.

9:00 pm - Game is getting out of hand and my back is hurting so I turn on Prison Break as this is the last one of the season and they are finally breaking out tonight. The show starts slowly and is taking way too long for the escape to begin. I start to think that it was all a scam as its 9:50 and they are just starting to put the plan into action. I soon learn that they are never going to escape and are going to drag this into a second season. This pisses me off and then start to think about all the new shows like this one and Lost where nothing really happens. They only seem to hint at exciting things around the corner and at a lot of mystery. This makes me even more frustrated and I long for a show with some huevo’s like The Sopranos to start airing soon.

10:10 pm - I check out the final scores on my fantasy football site, my team has won and that makes me smile for the first time today. The team in 1st place right above me in the standing has also won so I wonder if I really have a shot winning the money again this year. He seems to have the team of destiny even though I could really use the money for things like food and to keep my cable and heat from being turned off.

11:00 pm - Watch the Daily show and during commercials breaks look outside at the falling snow, doesn’t seem to be sticking to the roads yet but its starting to pile up on cars and in the grass. I decide to go get the mail even though my back is barking for something stronger than over the counter remedies. Its cool walking in the snow with zero risk of slipping. The sidewalk is wet all the way to the mailbox, the flakes stick to my shirt and hat. I have only one thing in the mail and its from Puget Sound Energy, they seemed determined to shut me off but keep pushing out the date on which they are intending on doing it. I guess turning of the heat in December isnt something they like to do, this gives me another week to find money to pay this bill.

11:30 pm - I flip around on my BlackBerry for any breaking news and get sucked into some article about how the government has set up a 2 billion dollar fund for people in rural areas to get loans to build high speed wireless network in areas without broadband access. The article outlines how the application process is flawed and how half the people have been turned down. Even though they have only given away 700 million and if they don’t loan all the money my the end of the year the program will be eliminated. Seems as though a regulation states that for anyone borrowing the money must have a network business already established and have 2 quarters of positive profits. These seems to only favor large networks that are the exact businesses that have decided not to build networks in these areas due to low population. The reason the program was started was to avoid this but it failed in the end.

12:05 pm - Start watching Letterman who has some stupid human tricks, they all seem a little weak an unfunny to me. I then see a documentary on HBO called ‘left of the dial’ about a liberal national radio company being created and grown. It ends right after the 2004 presidential election and rekindles a lot of the frustration I felt on that night as well.

I was at work on that election day until 7pm that night and around 6 I started to break down the numbers for Ohio and it soon became obvious that the last 300 hundred thousand votes would have to got 70-30 for Kerry to pull ahead. The painful realization washed over me that W would be our or at least the country’s president for four more years. I could barely move. The next day a friend of mine admitted to voting for Bush and I was floored, he knew how bad of a president he was and yet he voted for him because his church had guilted him into voting that way due to the abortion issue. I was so pissed off at him at for not seeing that it was established law and would never be changed no mater how conservative the Supreme Court got. He didn’t have much of a answer and its just bummed me out. After the election I went into a political coma, not watching any Meet the Press or Hardball. I even stopped reading the political news just to avoid thinking about it.

After thinking about this I turned off the TV and attempted to stand up and go to bed, once again my back locked up and I went back down again. My day was ending like it had started, in intense pain and frustration.

1:35 am - I lay in bed, in far too much pain and discomfort to sleep. I turn on the radio and I wonder why my upper back still hurts. I listen to the radio for about and hour and then turn it off and try to drift off into a fantasy world where I don’t feel like an immobile, broke and unemployed loser.

This wasn’t intended to bum anyone out, its not a rosy picture but it is honest and typical. Some days I can hardly stand let alone walk so this wasn’t that bad of a day. A good day is when I can sleep for most of the night and get up relatively pain free the next morning, here’s to more of those days coming soon.

I leave you with this quote from Eddie Vedder, we had very similar difficult childhoods and this quote has always stuck with me.

‘I don’t need drugs to make my life tragic’

So yesterday I ventured out to my Aunties house for some Turkey and crying kids. Not sure if it was an omen but as soon as I arrived the skies opened up. I spent most of the day in the computer room talking it up with my young cousins. They are all around the 12-15-age range and are in the throes of parent hell. Its not that their parent are bad people they are actually the opposite but its seems they have been exposed to too many kidnapping and kiddie porn stories on MSNBC and have taken an overactive interest in their kids personal lives. I’m not talking about where they are going and whom they are hanging out with, im talking about logging their chat room and instant message conversations. In talking to the kids it seems they have this scrutiny in everyday lives, they have metal detectors and mandatory locker searches at school.

I told them about how when I was a senior this rumor made the rounds that the lockers were being searched and nearly half the school ran to their lockers. They seemed to enjoy the story so I started rattling of some of my stories from my teenage years. One of my favorites was when my brother and I took my aunts Plymouth Skamp out for a joyride. We rolled it out of the driveway and around the corner so they wouldn’t hear it start. It was about 1am and we rolled on over to a friends house on the hopes of getting laid, my brother did but I struck out. So we gave my bro’s chic a ride home and them brought the car back. The next morning that car didn’t start and never worked again…but they had no idea we had taken it.

When I was telling this story my Aunt Patti from whom we had taken the car from was in the room so me and my bro finally confessed. She actually thought it was funny until I mentioned that I was only 15 at the time and was the one driving. The kids loved this story and when I started to go into some stories of the Aunt and Uncles adventures I was shut down pretty quickly. Funny because if any of their kids tried to pull the shit that they got away with they would be sent to boarding school.

About this time the rain stopped and a rainbow appeared outside, the women in the kitchen (A place they should stay) yelled at me to take a picture. So I stepped outside and snapped a few pics, afterwards I went searching for that damn pot of gold to no avail. At the very least I think finding a fifth of Jameson’s would have been sufficient.

So that was my Turkey day, gobble gobble beotches.

Here are some random thoughts from T-Bone:

I shall attend the Turkey day gathering with my family for the first time in 3 years. I will be mocked and have to deal with my drunk brother but I shall eat pie and play x-box with my cuz so all will be ok.

T.O. lost his arbitration today and now all is good in the land of the NFL. Now all we need to do is get W out of the white house and all will be good with the USA.

I bought some cookies today at the store and they are damn good, Sausalito’s to be exact. I recommend you have some strawberry milk handy.

I might have found a place to move to in North Seattle, I shall investigate this weekend and get back with ya.

I need to buy some new sandals; mine are getting a little funky. Any suggestions are welcome.

The Seahawks are good and have won 6 in a row and 8 of their last 9 games, you better recognize.

Looking forward to the first snow of the year let the sky open up and strands all you bastards with cars.

If an ex-girlfriend kept sending you sexy pictures of herself would you:
A) Think she was still wanting a little sumtin sumtin
B) Teasing you because you are 3000 miles away
C) Letting you know what you are missing and what other guys are getting
D) All of the above

Is there a standard Thanksgiving drink? If not I would like to propose the following:

The Four Leaf Clover
1 part Jamesons Irish Whiskey
1 part Irish Mist
1 part Bailey’s Irish Cream
1 part Coffee

Blueberry Tea
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz Grand Marnier® orange liqueur
Orange Pekoe® tea

Mix amaretto and grand marnier in a brandy snifter or glass. Add hot tea to taste.
Serve in: Brandy Snifter

Okay I guess that’s about all I have for today, have a Happy Turkey day.
May your turkey be moist, your beer cold and your pie warm.

Oh and for those of you that are away from your family and isolated from any familiar surroundings this time of year, please use this picture for the inspiration you need to get through these times.

Had a friend ask me today who I really am. I thought about it for awhile and came up with the following:

My name is Ben, I prefer to be called Benjamin, I am a isolationist. I like a woman with a big firm backside but haven’t touched a naked woman in months. I eat subway a couple times a week but I do not look like Jared, I am not getting any thinner.

I like stoner movies and the occasional fart joke. I once saved a man’s life and he didn’t even thank me. I’ve smoked the occasional joint and even shoplifted, I’ve fornicated out of wedlock and ate meat on Friday but I don’t think that makes me a bad person. I’m an equal opportunity oral sex participant, even though I feel fellatio is much easier than cunningless.

I don’t really believe in any particular religious belief except maybe the ultimate rule of be good and good things will happen; even though this hasn’t been the case so far.

I once cooked a meal for Mickey Mantle. I didn’t attend my senior prom. I’ve been drunk, lost and all alone in downtown Tacoma at 2am and lived to tell of it. I’ve crashed a motorcycle, a car and a boat. I once punched a man so hard in the ribs he just fell down and started to cry, that man was my brother.

I’ve eaten sheep’s brain and bull testicle. I once woke up in a city 100 miles from home with no idea how I got there. I’ve sloshed some great wine, smoked fine cigars and even slept with woman that was way out of my league. I’ve eaten the worm from the bottom of a bottle of tequila.

At six years of age I was in a truck that flipped over 5 times and walked away without a scratch.

I once walked 10 miles in the pouring rain just to avoid driving home drunk. I once gave my last 5 dollars to a homeless guy because he said he was a veteran. When 5 years old I hit a moving car with an aluminum bat on a dare. I’ve jumped from a 60-foot cliff into freezing water just to impress a girl. I’ve swigged moonshine from a mason jar.

I’ve never changed a diaper.

The question is a simple one, who am I? Today I am a man who is fighting boredom and hoping that somehow I can find a place in this world where I belong or at least feel something close to contentment.

Was that too deep? Ok then, stop bogarting that joint man, puff puff pass!

Some of you might know that my favorite movie is The Big Lebowski, ive even referenced it from time to time on this very blog. About two months ago I came across Lebowski Fest and was just amazed that so many others felt the way I did about the film. It was a commercial flop, especially considering this was the Coen brothers follow up to ‘Fargo’ which won high praise and even a few Academy Awards.

But a strange thing happens when you watch the movie numerous times, you begin to see all that was really happening on the screen. There is so much going on and not much of a plot to follow that you sometimes get caught up thinking about where the movie is going and not notice all that goes on in each scene. Its almost sensory overload in its first few viewings. Its one of those movies that gets better and better the more you watch it and it always seems as though your picking up fresh new details with each viewing. To me it was like this huge jigsaw puzzle that was being put together over the course of a couple years, when you see something new you get excited about finally finding a place for that puzzle piece you’ve been holding for so long.

When I discovered this Lewbowski community it was if I had finally found a place that I belonged to. Its weird to say but it was almost as if I had found a new home. Over the course of the past few weeks I have tried to put together a local fest but after putting together a budget for renting a bowling alley and a theatre it soon became clear that it would be a difficult and expensive task. But then I came across a message board post from one of the founders of the fest and it looks as though Seattle is one of the cities in consideration for the 2006 west coast party. This is great news considering the guy that the main character is based on “The Dude” lived and went to school and was actually a part of the Seattle Seven referenced in the movie.

So today I was looking around the web for other Lebowski sites and I came across this movie review from a Christian website and I just laughed my ass off, so I figured I would share it with you.

The Big Lebowski
Rated R for pervasive strong language, drug content, sexuality and brief violence

I would not recommend this movie to anyone except a fan of Coen Brother’s films. Even then, there is no redeeming value in this film. Furthermore, literally hundreds of instances of profanity and obscenity, plus sexually suggestive dialogue, drug abuse, discussion of pedophilia, female breast rear male nudity, and violence make this a film off-limits to all Christians.

If this wasnt funny enough they had numerous user comments about the movie as well.

I’m a big Coen Brothers fan - and particularly a Julianne Moore fan - but “Lebowksi” was unwatchably bad. It’s already on my worst list for 1998. Just the thought of it, two hours I’ll never get back. Ugh.
Brian, age 24

I wish I had read your review before I went to see this movie. I love to bowl with my youth group and consider bowling to be a healthy pasttime. I was so disapointed that this movie would take a clean Christian sport like bowling and pervert it with the drugs, sex and profanity. I would urge other Christian bowlers to stay away from “The Big Lebowski”.
Heather, age 21

If you’re tempted to see “The Big Lebowski” because it’s a Coen brothers film and you love the Coen brothers, don’t. We shouldn’t encourage anyone by sponsoring this amoral and mediocre picture. If you are in the habit of sitting in a blacklighted room smoking weed and croaking hoarsely “cool, man”. Then….. well, this is the movie for you, dude.
Kimberley McKaig, age 43

Hey — I walked out of this one about 20 minutes into it. There were so many F-words if I had a dollar for every one, I’d buy out Microsoft. For those of you who loved the Coen brothers for “Raising Arizona,” forget it. Those days are over.
Jeff James, age 23

The amount of profanity and disgracing of the Lord in this film made me sick to my stomach. After the nude scene I was forced to leave the theater. I knew my Savior was dissappointed in me for watching such filth…
Michael, age 22

This made the movie that much better for me to know that they had somehow taken ‘a clean Christian sport like bowling and perverted it with drugs, sex and profanity’

In my days of academia I enjoyed writing but was always my worst critic. Francis Ford Coppola once wrote:

‘There’s a hormone secreted into the bloodstream of most writers that makes them hate their own work while they are doing it, or immediately after. This, coupled with the chorus of critical reaction from those privileged to take a first look, is almost enough to discourage further work entirely. I myself have always engaged in the “create, hate, and abandon” school of writing.’

And while not comparing myself to him in any way I felt the same way and abandoned writing for over 15 years. Maybe I didnt have anything to say or maybe I just didnt enjoy the process.

But over the past nine months I have been inspired by people close to me and I have begun writing some short stories. Most of them are personal and based on my life. Over the course the next week or so I will publish them here and maybe even get some feedback from the people that visit this little corner of the information superhighway.

When the weather turns wet and cold I tend to get nostalgic and look upon the days of old.

Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
are beautiful as days can be;

Walking the sodden pasture lane
He who loves the bare, the withered tree

The faded earth, the heavy sky,
Vexes me for reason why.

The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow.

Have you ever just convinced yourself one day that it’s time for a change? I had that moment today and am looking into making this happen. Many times I have wondered why I have more or less stayed in the same town for most of my life. After awhile I had convinced myself it had to do with family, friends, a job or even a comfort zone. Of course a large part of it had to do with the financial challenges that comes with the packing or selling of your things and moving to a city with little to no security.

In the past few years I’ve had a few opportunities to move away but I always felt that moving to a new city by myself was too great of risk to take. Looking back, I now begin to realize this was all a pattern of me taking the easy road. I’m not sure why I could take risks with skydiving and yet didn’t have the huevo’s to move a mere 100 miles away.

Hopefully there was a reason I didn’t take the plunge before and that this new adventure I will set out on will prove to be everything I dream it will be.

Recently I found a way to make a pretty decent income from almost any location I could find myself in. If it all works out, it might actually be a way for me to see a little of this country and maybe even the world. I think its time to blow by that stop sign and see what the world has to offer, what could be worse than the situation that I find myself in today with no woman, no job and no real purpose.

About 3 weeks ago I went to my cousin’s first football game, he is in 7th grade and had just mostly played soccer and basketball. Apparently when you reach a certain age to continue to play soccer it requires a year round commitment and he did not want to give up basketball. He decided to take the plunge and play football for his middle school.

I went to the game and took some pictures that I just recently got developed. Thumbing through the 4x6’s it reminded me of when I first started playing sports and most notably football.

My brother is two years older than me so I would follow him to all of his boy’s club sports. Eventually I was hanging out enough that one of his baseball coaches started to take an interest in me. I tossed the ball around with him and he helped me hit the ball. After awhile I had gathered enough skill to compete with and in some cases exceed my brother’s teammates. After an injury left an opening on the team I was invited to join them. This was illegal as I was 2 years too young to play but the coaches seemed to like me and my brother was cool with it so I joined the Georgia Pacific team.

That 1st baseball season I didn’t play that much but it was fun nonetheless. Due to me being around the playing fields most casual observers had no idea I was only 6. So when football season started I just showed up for the turnouts and nobody had a clue that I didn’t belong. I was on the small side but by no means the smallest of the bunch. One thing that stood out was that I was able to take some physical abuse due to my brothers ‘loving’ attention he had given me so far in my life. I was lucky enough to be selected for a different team than that of my brother and it let me get out from under his thumb.

I played sparingly until about week 4 when an arrant kick-off landed in my general direction and seemed to bounce right into my hands. This was the first time I had even touched the ball so I just exploded down the sideline. As I flew by the opposing head coach I actually heard him say “whoa where did that kid come from’, well I just pretended that I was in the back yard running from the older kids and luckily I was able to score a touchdown. I was smiling so wide that you could have seen in from the other side of the field. It was as cool as it sounds; players from my team were jumping up and down celebrating as I just stood there looking back at my coach who was just shaking his head back and forth with a small grin.

From this showing I was able to run the ball late in the game and even had a couple of other good gainers even though I never scored again. After the last game of the year I told the coach how old I really was and that it was the most fun I’d ever had. He wasn’t too happy about me lying but told me how he enjoyed watching me play.

I played football until I was 15 and while coaches and teams came and went I will always remember the first time I scored a touchdown and my first Coach.

I recently was given some old family photos to scan and digitally enhance. In the group there were two pictures with stark contrasts. My uncle lives in a little town called Vader on the Oregon Washington border, it has a population of 608. His property is about 100 acres and includes a stream that just recently has unearthed some prehistoric artifacts. Its a beautiful piece of land but is ‘off the grid’. I have some good memories of fishing and horseback riding around his property when I was around 6 or 7 years old. It’s also quite close the Mt Saint Helens and at one point we had a family reunion at a nearby park that was actually closed forever after the eruption. I was 9 years old when the mountain erupted on May 18 1980; I was woken up by the sound, as was the rest of my house on that Sunday morning.

It was strange to think that the place that seemed so peaceful 2 years earlier was literally being blown to pieces and scattered all over the globe.

My uncle’s farm was luckily not affected by all the mudslides and destruction but they had a bird’s eye view for eruption. He told the story of how it sounded like a freight train was tearing through his house. His wife was a avid photographer and went outside and snapped some photos.

Over the next couple of days over 3 feet of ash fell on their property, they compared it to a snowstorm as it just blanketed everything. They were actually really lucky to only have the ash to deal with as a lot of people lost their property forever as the state decided that no housing would be allowed withing 10 miles due to fears of future eruptions. The eruption lasted over 9 hours, can you imagine being that close to an erupting mountain and having to deal with it for over 9 hours?

Looking at the two photos was pretty amazing, the first is from our trip in 1978 and the second is one of the many that my aunt took that day more that 25 years ago. I found a picture on the web of how the mountain looks today; it’s amazing to see how much of the mountain was lost forever on that faithful day.

Went and hung out with the mom this weekend, she lives in the boonies but cant beat that view. It was about 36 degress with some serious ‘nad shriveling wind.

I sit here at 2:51 am thinking about the ‘big picture’ and wondering where I fit in. Was I destined for something else? Did that day on the baseball field some twenty years ago change the direction of my life? How did some of the decisions I made as a kid get me to this point in life? If I had studied a little harder or not partied quite so much would I be somewhere completely opposite of where I find myself today?

I look back to my freshman year where I was one of the better students in regards to math and even joined the local academic team that competed against other schools. I always like solving problems and then moving on to the next challenge but always despised having to do certain tasks over and over just to ingrain them in my head. Once I learned something it seemed I soon became bored and wanted to move on. It wasn’t untypical to have hours of homework doing the same thing time and time again. I soon grew bored of homework and due to my brother being two years older than me, started joining him and his friends at the weekend keggers. This opened up a whole new world for me as I was embraced by his friends as an equal and soon joined them in their day to day adventures. My life soon became filled with drugs and alcohol and the only goals were to get high, get laid and to have fun.

I never saw myself going to school due to the financial realities of a single parent 3 kid home. I remember a specific day in my freshman year when we were selecting classes for the upcoming semester and I had convinced myself to take the easy road by taking courses that would have little to no homework. I simply wanted to enjoy this part of my life with no challenges or restraints on my personal life. I didn’t see the need in taking college level classes if my intention was to never attend college.

I had dreams of being an athlete and was told by a few coaches that if I worked hard enough I could accomplish this goal. I never thought I would be playing for the Mariners or Seahawks one day even if I did occasionally dream about it.

No, I wanted to learn a skill or trade and create something as opposed to just working in some glass building dreaming up ways of getting rich.

I look back on the 1st day of the second semester and walking to what was now by basic math class. My old math teacher and the one that ran the academic competitions also taught this class. When I walked in he thought that I was just saying hi and even asked if I was interested in being a teachers assistant next year. I told him that I was enrolled in this class and that I wasn’t going to be involved in the math club any longer. The look on his face was of stunned disbelief, he was motionless and remained so as I took a seat in the classroom filled with the academically challenged. He just stared at me for a few minutes and all I could do was shrug my shoulders. After class I told him of my reasons and while he seemed to understand he was pretty disappointed.

That day was the beginning of a pattern of taking the path of least resistance. Part of it was wanting some part of my life that I could actually control due to my home life being pretty miserable. We didn’t have much money and my mother was a pretty heavy drinker, a combination that I thought seemed to directly conflict with each other. She worked hard for her kids and probably needed to escape as well but it didn’t make for the most conducive atmosphere for growing up.

When I came home from school all I wanted to do go over to a friend’s house or hide away in my room. It’s still something that I do today; I really embrace the peace and quiet of being alone.

I’ve read about how some people dream of getting money so that they can escape whatever social class they are in and live in the proverbial castle on the hill with the hopes of separating themselves from the rest of the world. To insulate themselves from the problems they endured while growing up. But once they get that isolation they tend to get lonely and want to share this life with others so they begin to let in the people that they had shielded themselves from. The theory is that even our dreams or aspirations are never what we think they will be.

Lately I have really looked back on that decision to take the easy road in school as the point where my life really took a path that has left me where I am today.

So that leaves me where I began, what does someone do when they are facing their own demise? Part of me still holds out hope and that this very moment is the place where I turn everything around, the old pulled myself up by my bootstraps story (key the inspirational music here). But I know this isn’t a Hollywood movie ending its just another day in the life of a man with no money, no job, no woman, no car and no real hope for what life has in store for him.

Many years ago, in Greece, people would perform what is called a libation. A libation (an alcoholic drink) was considered a prayer and a sharing of wine with the gods. They would stand up and while holding a cup full of wine in one hand, look up into the sky with cup raised and drink the wine.

With that said here are few of my favorite toasts:

Here’s to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking.
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
And if you drink, may you drink with me.

May you…
Work like you don’t need the money,
love like you’ve never been hurt,
dance like no-one is watching,
screw like it’s being filmed,
and drink like a true Irishman.

No matter how beautiful,
how smart, or how cute she is…
somebody somewhere, is sick of her shit!

Let’s drink to California, way out by the sea,
Where a woman’s ass, and a whiskey glass,
Made a horse’s ass of me.

Here’s to being single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.

Here is to bros and to ho’s
If you trust a bro before a ho, he’ll be with you for life
But trust a ho before that bro and she’ll end up your wife.

Here’s to honor
to getting honor
to staying honor
and if you can’t come with her
come honor

Here’s to the girls who buy all the shoes
They drink all our beer and steal all our booze
They may not have their cherries but that’s not a sin
Cause they still have the box, that the cherry came in!

Here’s to nipples,
without them boobs would have no point.

What’re you looking at me for? Drink motherfarkers.

Here’s to lesbians, because they have good taste

Here’s to the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering

Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends.

I would rather be with the people in this room than with the finest people I know.

Here’s to our wives and the women we love.
(pause)
May they never meet.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
Half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

To the new couple.
Never sweat the petty things.
But always pet the sweaty things.

Here’s to all the virgins…
Thanks for nothing!

I like my women the same way I like my scotch.
Sixteen years old, and mixed up on coke.

I’ll drink to the girls that will,
I’ll drink to the girls that won’t,
But I’ll NEVER drink to the girls that SAY they will,
and later say they wont.

To cannibalism!
Man eating woman

To fast horses, beautiful women, and the men who ride them.

To marriage, broken glass, and being the only guy in the room who doesn’t get a week off work to play with fire
-works if your the only gentile at a Jewish wedding

Here’s to fires, not ones that ignite and burn down shanties, but to ones that excite and drop women’s panties

Here’s to the crack that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
You can wash it with soap or whatever you wish
But it’s not gonna stop it from smelling like fish

Here’s to the girl that I love best.
I’ve loved her naked and I’ve loved her dressed.
I’ve loved her standing and I’ve loved her lying.
If she had wings, I’d love her flying.
And when she’s gone and long forgotten,
I’ll dig her up and love her rotten.

Here’s to freshman girls, get em while their skinny.

Hold on to the ones that always held true
Get rid of the ones you saw right through
Here and now I toast to you
My strength…my life… my certain few

Here’s to all the kisses we’ve snatched, and vice versa.

Here’s to wars and revolutions
Here’s to whores and prostitution
Here’s to Southern men who love to fight
And Southern women who love to fuck all night.

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!”

Today the story of the Cheerleaders showing too much spirit has taken a turn for the worse when Sue Dafed, the Public Relations Representative for the Carolina Panthers, announced that both Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., have been relieved of their positions as members of the Carolina Panthers Cheerleading squad.

She also noted “The members of our cheerleading squad are here to entice and titillate the men in our fan base, if that illusion is shattered when learning that they are really playing for the other team, in this case the LPGA, the possibility that our male fans would use their expendable incomes on a Hooters lifetime memberships instead of season tickets was too great of a risk to take.

A day later some of the particulars of incident were coming to light.

When probing the Tampa Bay Police Department on details of the booking process an unidentified Detective proclaimed “Finally a reason to administer a full body cavity search, we usually only get fatties and derelicts in here” When asked what the intention of the search was, the detective advised “We had to find out if they were hiding a spirit stick” an obvious reference to the seminal cheerleading movie ‘Bring it on’.

Detectives were also trying to determine how they were able to perform a ‘69’ in the small confines of the stall. One theory that has drawn the most attention is that they were proficient in the rare and extremely dangerous ‘standing 69’ or as its known by its street name ‘El Guapo’.

We contacted noted sex therapist Dr. Drew and he advised, “Don’t attempt this position unless you can squat the same weight as you and your partner combined. To get into this position, you need a lot of strength and a little bit of patience, this position is not for the faint of heart or weak of body.”

A re-enactment of the alleged infractions is due to take place on Friday with many detectives offering to be witnesses.

Even the ACLU has gotten involved wondering if there was any video record of the event so that they can determine if the civil liberties of either woman was violated. They encouraged anyone that might have a copy of this video to come forward as this could be a defining issue affecting individual freedoms. They have pledged to view the tape hundreds of times to ensure all parties are satisfied.

But in an encouraging turn of events the pair whom have now been thrust into the national spotlight are now entertaining many potentially lucrative offers.

PETA has offered an advertising deal because of women’s now public preference of fish over beef.

Both the producers of CSI and Law & Order are in a bidding war for the rights to the story.

Even Starkist Tuna has expressed interest in a promotional ad campaign in hopes of gaining interest from men all over the country who have always dreamed of having a cheerleader sandwich.

No word yet from the LPGA or the Women’s Tennis Association.

The ‘El Guapo’
Consult your doctor
before attempting

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police.

Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand, the report said.

Judge not, lest you be judged

Am I the only one that is appalled by the outrageous behavior of the Tampa Police Department? How dare they stop what was described by witnesses as “A thing of unparallel beauty” and “A sweaty glorious mass of female flesh”

Who are we to criticize what happens in the dark corners of Tampa nightclub? If it wasn’t for alcohol to lower sexual inhibitions I might not be the well-adjusted man I am today. When are we going to stop hating and start celebrating the truest expression of love? Tell me that the sweet sweet love making of two drunken cheerleaders in a bathroom stall isn’t exactly what the framers of our constitution had in mind when they wrote ‘the right of the people peaceably to assemble’

This oppression of our most basic rights will not stand. Please sign our petition to keep American values alive

Back that thing up girl