I woke up this morning because a dog was barking, I then checked my emails and read the following line:
“Modern people use culture as a crutch to understand the elements of their lives that they can’t control”
Chuck Klosterman
This line kinda tripped me out so I poured myself a drink, turned on some music and just kinda faded away for an hour. It felt good, really good.
I ain’t as think as you drunk we are !!!!
Dig on that hippies, now to offend women everywhere here are some pickup lines to use when your out on the town and all the women are skanks and only want you to buy them booze.
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.
If your offeneded by these then go screw yourself ya bastage cause I could smell the eco-feminist rage when I walked in the door.
Word of the Day:
Choadsy - Someone who is short and fat
Song of the Day:
All The Girls Look Prettier at Closing Time
Joke of the Day:
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.
Movie of the Day:
H.R. MUFF N’ STUFF
Book of the Day:
Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly
Well enough with the humor and back to something im good at, drinking!!!!
Im going to be taking a pause in writing for this blog as I dont really like any of you. Go entertain yourselves for a change you Oprah watching, Zima drinking, Velvetta eating bastards.
I woke up watched a little golf, listened to the Sarge on a podcast and am now assembling a grocery list but as I ponder what kind of Lasagna I will be making I decided to answer a few questions from my adoring fans, so without further ado I give you
Getting to know Unemployed Ben
The first question is from Amy from Bumfuckegypt, Alaska
You wake up in the morning and get dressed. What do you put on?
Unemployed Ben: Bathrobe and some flip-flops
Batting second, Jen from Las Vegas wants to know:
You’re decorating your living room. What do you put in it?
Unemployed Ben: A rug, to tie the room together.
3rd in line Craig from San Francisco asks:
What do you think about sex?
Unemployed Ben: You mean coitus?
Hitting cleanup is Mike from Outhouseville, Washington:
What’s your biggest concern?
Unemployed Ben: Just surviving day to day. Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’ man, L-I-V-I-N
Andy from Sheepville Idaho wonders:
Do you have a lot of friends?
Unemployed Ben: I have bowling buddies.
Fareed who is sitting on the crapper asks:
If you had a pet, what would it be?
Unemployed Ben: I don’t have pets…I have enough trouble taking care of myself.
Wilma from Huberville Arkansas inquires:
Whats your claim to fame?
Unemployed Ben: Have you heard of the Seattle Seven?
Nancy from the Old Folks Home wonders aloud:
Which do you find most enjoyable?
Unemployed Ben: Gettin’ high and listening to Creedence
Morgan from Carpetmucnherville, TN wraps it up with:
What do you hate the most?
Unemployed Ben: Anyone who would pee on a rug
Now that I am done with those rather pedestrian questions from the masses I in tribute to Bernard Pivot, “Bouillon de Culture” and ITAS will answer the following :
What is your favorite word?
Topless
What is your least favorite word?
Herpes
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Making people laugh
What turns you off?
Looking in the mirror
What is your favorite curse word?
Cocksucking-Motherfucker, when I say it, its one word.
What sound or noise do you love?
When a woman is moaning “Oh god…Oh God”
What sound or noise do you hate?
A crying child..it makes me insane
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
S.I. Swimsuit photographer
What profession would you not like to do?
Its a tie, Proctologist and Politician, they both deal with asses all day
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
How about a beer and a brat?
Today was another one in the life of unemployed Ben, I woke around 11:30ish walked out to my living room and checked my email. Then I surfed around until noon when West Wing came on, after this was over I thought about the meaning of life and how I fit into this vast world of ours when Celebrity Poker came on 30 seconds later and a waitress came out wearing skin tight gold hot pants. After watching this for 2 hours I was tuckered out so I took a nap until 4:30ish. Around 6 I got a call from a chum of mind who owns a local restaurant and invited me down for some grub. I headed downtown and as I don’t have a car and I had to call a taxi, so after getting picked up me and the driver (Leo) were talking about gas prices and how its effected their bottom line. I then asked him about a friend of mine (Duke) that drives off and on for Yellow Cab for the past few years. Well Leo drops a huge bomb on me that he had robbed a bank in town and got caught and arrested.
This just blew me away because I have known Duke for about 10 years, we met while working in my former life of being a chef, and he was one of the most laid back guys I have ever known. We developed a friendship because at that point in our lives we had 2 things in common, drinking and sports. So we would combined these two things and have a good old time at the ballpark. I remember one day back in ‘97 when we went to a Mariners game and one of the vendors that was selling peanuts kept saying “Hot nuts, I’ve some hot nuts here”, now of course this was the funniest thing we had ever heard and we didn’t know if he was doing it on purpose or not. But back in those days the M’s didn’t draw many fans especially on business day games so the place might have had 5-7 thousand people in it. So after about 5 King Beers and a 2 bags of those hot nuts every time he came around to our section and started with his “Hot Nuts” selling technique we would just lose it, of course it was incredibly immature but at the same time very satisfying. It was like we were back in elementary school laughing out by the playground about how we just got away with farting in class.
This is just one of the good times that we had together and although we hadn’t really hung out much of the past 5 or so years I still considered him a friend. Id see him around town from time to time with the last being about 9 months ago and while we never really had the time to talk or hang out much he still seemed like the same old Duke to me. He also kinda led a blessed life because his parents were pretty wealthy and it seemed they liked to spoil him. He drove a nice beamer, always had expendable cash and was always to buying the next round of drinks for the crew. This is the part of the equation that just doesn’t make sense to me as he seemed to have a good life and would never let anything get him down.
So when I heard about him robbing a bank, which has to be the last act of a desperate man, it really kinda scared me. I wonder what had caused him to resort to such a thing, of course it could have been the obvious thing….drugs, but somehow he didn’t really seem like that kinda guy as he always in control and had a pretty level head on his shoulders. I even recall on a few occasions him taking a cab home because he had too much to drink or offering someone cab fare to do the same.
Also the facts of the robbery seemed strange, he wasn’t going to be able to make rent and had a lot of bills pilling up so he decided to rob a bank in of all places in his hometown. Apparently he got away with a substantial amount of cash but didn’t make the wisest choice of hideouts, he went home. I mean who the hell goes home after to robbing a bank? 20 minutes after the robbery the cops busted in his place where the car he used for his getaway was parked in front of and caught him counting the money while sitting on his sofa. Now im not a thief or a criminal but holy shit ive seen a movie or two and even I know that you need a safe house, I mean that’s how the term got invented. Also why the hell would you rob a place in a city you were born and raised in? I mean the odds are greatly increased in getting recognized, for the love of Pete the teller could have been your prom date. So needless to say I sit here still shocked at not only the fact that I now have had a friend commit a felony but also that he seemed to be about as smart as Nicolas Cage’s character in Raising Arizona. I almost feel compelled to visit him in jail and wonder what the hell happened. Maybe I could bake him some cookies and he could buy his way out of being raped in the shower for a week or two.
So off to bed I go wondering how far I am away from robbing a store for a stick of beef jerky and a 6 pack of Schlitz.
Today I was watching a little tube mostly because on the Poker Showdown a certain woman was playing and her name is Lacey Chabert. She might be the perfect woman; demure, sexy, hot, a southern belle and she doesn’t talk too much. So my day was starting out well watching her play porker and say things like “all in” when a commercial came on advertising this new drug called Estroven. It said it cured PMS conditions in women, it even mentioned it would stop women from being irrational and bitchy during this time of the month.
HOLY SHIT!! Finally a cure has been found for PMS, I wasn’t around to witness the cure of Small Pox, Polio or even the miracle of Pasteurization but Im sure it doesn’t even come close to this breakthrough. This story needs to lead off every major network newscast. This is the invention of the 21st century. All men should be partying in the streets after this announcement, finally a cure for an affliction that has affected all men in a negative way.
We need to be putting barrels of this shit in the water supply; no woman should be given the option to not take this stuff. Can you imagine women not having an excuse to being bitchy? All the men in the world would no longer need to be on edge around full moons. We can finally just say “damn woman didn’t you take your Estroven today?” whenever she complains about anything and be done with it. Instead of that damn Splenda crap that women put on everything including salad we can have packets of Estroven at every conceivable local. Fill up your gas? Get a free serving of Estroven! Buy a sweater at the Gap? Get a free serving of Estroven! Order a double cheeseburger and a biggie fry with a diet coke? Get a free serving of Estroven!
And what if the more and more a woman took, the happier they would be? Men would get regular sex, have dinner ready when they got home and have a Sunday full of football watching with their woman bringing Nachos, Wings and beer at regular intervals.
This could also develop into a vaccination, when kids get all their shots at age 5 they would also get Estroven injected into their bloodstreams ensuring both world peace and world sex day for many more generations to come.
I think a man could run and win for president with only one message “An Estroven a day makes the bitch go away”.
Here is my joke of the day
Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Ok you nosey mofo’s Ill give you a status report on my life. Yes I am still unemployed, no I dont have a girlfried, yes I am still broke, no I dont have herpes, yes I watched 14 hours of football today, no I dont have too much free time, yes im obsessesed with Vida Guerra’s ASSets, no im not drinking too much, yes I might be a winner in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, no I am not delusional, yes I had some pudding today, no I havent showered in the past 48 hours, yes im running out of shit to say.
How bad can it be?
We’ll I remember the following line from the movie Stripes and it seems to fit the circumstance:
“And then…… depression set in”
The main character (John Winger) had lost his job, car, woman and apartment in the span of about 2 hours. To top all of this he had only 3 dollars to his name.
This is almost exactly what has happened to my life. We’ll except for the woman part because the last woman I saw, was in a parking lot and as I walked by she reached over and locked the door to protect herself from the man that I now resemble. I apparently scare old people and kids as well.
I sit in my crappy apartment where I have enough bills stroon around my desk to wallpaper Bill Gate’s house. And everytime I go to my bank they scream “Go away, you don’t have an account here” and then they sick the rent-a-cops on me.
My friend Mike keeps calling and updating me on the available jobs he thinks I’m qualified for like:
Donating Plasma
Selling mobile phones
Internet Porn Webmaster
Yes he has a real lofty opinion of my skill base. Hey thanks Mike, I can also wipe my ass without getting poopy hands so should I update my resume with that gem?
But if I ever want to feel better I just think of his life.
Married (ouch)
2 kids under 3 (both girls)……(Double ouch)
Owns a Mini-van (we call him soccer mom)
Lives in a town that literally smells like a cow’s ass (Really…I’m not kidding)
Works for the ungodly, soul sucking Nazi bastards that are T-Mob (Achtung baby)
He is balding (losing his pelt)
Had to sell his truck (whipped)
I feel better already…I need to remember no matter how bad it gets, at least Im not Mike. Now to celebrate I shall got to bed for a 10 hour nap…nite nite
Top ten reasons I worked at T-Mobile too long
10. A customer called me an asshole and instead of getting mad I laughed because it happened everyday
9. I got off work, walked to my car and was out of breath (damn those 100 foot endurance walks)
8. When I called someone I always knew when they had sent me to voicemail instead of answering the phone and it made me SO mad!!
7. I have a bad back, poor eyesight and paler skin than Xerox copy paper
6. I gained 30 lbs and compared to other employees still look thin (Ok maybe stocky..ok umm nevermind)
5. I can text message faster than I can type on a keyboard
4. When talking to friends on the phone before hanging up I thanked them for calling t-mobile out of habit
3. Drinking went from being a hobby to being a skill
2. I day dreamed about better jobs like garbage man and death row prison guard
1. Compared to my job, marriage and/or prison started to seem somewhat appealling
Tonight I had a moment no man wants to have.
I was watching some late night TV and Last Call came on. The announcer rattled off the guests; Steve Carrell (40 year old virgin), Blues Traveler (blues band) and Shannon Elizabeth (Hottie). Seemed like a pretty good show plus I had recently heard that Shannon just got divorced so I figured she would be putting her self back on the market in style. Visions of a plaid shirt and button down white shirt tied off at the navel invaded my mind.
This is the classic jilted woman move, they want to prove that they are the winner in the breakup and will do almost anything to prove it. By the way this is the perfect time to sleep with a woman that is out of your class because they will sleep with you hoping that you’ll tell your buddies and it will eventually get back to the guy she dumped. They are irrational and vengeful; it’s the perfect combination from some angry sex.
So needless to say I was primed and ready. Steve Carell came out and was pretty funny talking about his movie and his newly found machismo, and then they went to a commercial break. On the other side of this I was thinking back to the Nadia role the newly single Ms Elizabeth played in the American Pie movies. This is where she added fuel to the fire in reference to the exchange student fantasy most guys have. You know the one about the super hot chic who can’t speak English and hasnt figured out that you are just some average schlub. If you get to her quick enough you can possibly get some off of her before someone tells her that your just a lame guy on the Chess Club. The fantasy was played out this way in the movie and she had a memorable scene showing of her gorgeous body in a scene that rivals the Pheobe Cates Fast Times at Ridgemont High pool scene.
The commercials end and Carson introduces her, she then walks out wearing a pair of jeans and a loose top that covers everything…even her ass. And if this isn’t disappointing enough she is as skinny as a rail, I mean she is Lindsey Lohan, Calista Flockhart skinny. Nothing is more of a turn off than a woman that is too thin. So she sits down and Carson wishes her a happy b-day and gives her a lame “tonight show” mug as a present, then she gets all defensive when he asks if its ok if he says how old she is. This is when we get the first close-up of her face and holy shit its a fucking tragedy. Huge bags and lines under her eyes and a flat and a oily hairstyle outlined her overall gaunt and worn out facial features.
The only reason she should look this bad is if she just got done filming a gang-bang porno or just had chemotherapy.
My once revved up libido had now plummeted to all time lows, I couldn’t get a chubby if Salma Hayek bent over in front of me.” What a fucking tragedy” is what kept reverberating over and over in my head as I continued to stare at her new “I just don’t care anymore” transformation.
And then I started to think about it and instead of sympathy I felt some anger and frustration. Women that symbolize sex in our culture have a certain responsibility. If you’re going to get naked in a movie to help your career than you have to maintain that illusion for the masses. This is something almost all sex symbols are experts in; Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra are two that come to mind. They always look good because outside of their looks they don’t have any talent. They know if that illusion is shattered it will ruin them.
Example: Look at Britney Spears, two years ago she was every guys fantasy and now she is just a train wreck. She went from FHM’s #1 on the top 100 hotties in ‘04 to off the list in the 2005 edition. It is a colossal fall from grace, it’s like free falling out of a plane and the chute won’t open and everyone in the world is waiting for the eventual splat sound. There is nothing she can do to change this image, she could actually look even better than she did before and it still wont matter because all that is in the back of every guys mind are images of her like this.
So this is my advice to Shannon, go to a Salon get that hair done then get a facial and most importantly of all, on your way home pick up a few large pizzas and don’t stop eating until you look like you don’t live in the Sudan. We don’t need another Lindsay on our hands because that is just tragic.
Here are few more of my favorites from my white woman days
What impresses women in bed?
Amber: A BIG DICK and a soft touch
Describe the perfect kiss
Amber: Well, im not sure if there is such a thing as a perfect kiss. However my best kiss ever involved two of my best girlfriends @ midnight on this New Years Eve. Its no wonder men like women so much, they are soft and smell so good!!
Why did your last relationship fail?
Amber: There are a number of reasons why my last relationship failed. I’m very outgoing and active and he is extremely anti-social and a home body. The bottom line is we just weren’t compatible. Also, he’d get real drunk and call me names, so I finally sent him packing.
Translation= Amber used this guy up, left him broke, battered and forever ruined for other women. Even his boys don’t call him by his name anymore, they just make “whipping” and “cat” sounds. About a month ago he sent her a box full of things he had kept from the relationship and im talking about napkins from a restaraunt they went to, a cd they had listened to in his car, a glass she had drank from. It was some pretty crazy stuff and there whole box of it!!! They broke up over 6 months ago and this guy is still holding on this tight. I’m starting to wonder if Amber has a superman cape coming out of that coochie. Its Super Coochie to the rescue, “Here I come to save the day!!”
Question: Do you have any good tips on Blind Dating?
Amber: Just don’t do it. Blind dating is a setup for failure. The way to find someone is if you met them and were able to connect in a causual setting. But if you have to be sure you ask for a picture.
The following is a guide for blind dates if your being set up by a woman. If a woman uses any of the following descriptions please use this decoder.
A Girl’s Description of Another Girl Decoding Scale
“Gorgeous” = Beautiful
“Beautiful” = Hot
“Hot” = Cute
“Pretty” = Alright
“Nice Face” = Bad Body
“Cute” = Brutal
“Alright” = Train Wreck
“One of the Nicest People I’ve Ever Met” = Probably disfigured
“Very, Very Cool” = Missing a limb
“Good Personality” = Morbidly obese/drug addict
Just recently I had my mother over for some lunch and to give a few pointers on her digital camera when she surprised me with some old pictures that she had found from my fathers early days of racing motorcycles. My father was a mechanic, a motorcycle racer and a custom bike builder. Of course now being a bike builder is a commercial endeavor and is mostly about marketing and ordering parts out of a catalog. The result is more of assembling a bike than building one, but back in the early to mid 1970’s if you wanted something modified on your Harley you learned how do to it yourself. You had to rummage through junkyards and ride from city to city visiting local bike shops and form personal relationships with the owners so that you can find the parts you were after. It was a very tight knit community, as they didn’t have computers or huge warehouses filled with every custom part imaginable. .
I was a little kid when this was going on around me and I can remember the times that large groups of the bikers got together and just hung out. Of course seeing all the bikes come rumbling down the street being ridden by these guys clad in leather and jeans with their long hair flapping in the wind more than raised the attention of the neighbors. There was a cool factor about it that caused any and everyone to stop what they were doing and just stare at these guys who personified both a bit of danger and freedom. Of course this always made me smile seeing all of them gather at my house, watching them get off of their bikes and walk over to me and either pick me up, mess up my hair or just give me a subtle nod.
I would just sit and watch these guys work on their bikes, drink beers or just bullshit amongst themselves. It was an amazing thing to watch how close all these guys were, it was almost as if they had a bond that was closer than even that of a family. Sure the bikes were cool with their shiny chrome engines and the thunderous noise they made when they were being revved but I was always amazed at how well all of them got along. I don’t ever recall seeing a fight or even a scuffle, no one was yelling at each other or even showing any anger. They all seemed to share parts and whatever cash they had amongst themselves, if someone needed help in fixing one of their bikes they all pitched in together and found the part and help install it. It was a bond that to this day still amazes me.
I hadn’t thought about these moments in a long time and the memories came flooding back. My father died in an accident when I was 7 years old and becasue he was racing and traveling all the time I didn’t really get to see him all that much. Back in those days there wasn’t much money in racing and for anyone to make a living you had to get 3-5 guys together sharing both racing and racing crew duties. The only way to make money was to win and sometimes there would be 16-20 races in a weekend. The pressure was intense, as no one wanted to go back home broke with a trailer full of worn out cycles. This is what my father was doing when he died and I know it was how he would have wanted it to be, by doing something he loved. Most of us would be lucky to do the same.
I have included some pics from of a couple projects he had going in the garage at our home. One was a flat track racer and it looks like others are from a custom Harley he had been building for over 8 years.
It all starts with the frame
Yep that’s little Benny in the corner hanging out in the garage with my pops. I must have been about 3-4 yrs old.
A KnuckleHead Engine being rebuilt, one of the rarest engines around
This is how the bike looked before the rebuild started
These are pictures of the bike after it was rebuilt and it even had his lucky #7 number plate installed
These are the only 2 pictures of what is to believed to be a 1947 Knucklehead that he had been building for the better part of a decade.
Recently I was checking out one of my old websites (askawhitewoman.com) and was getting a little nostalgic. And even though that whole project blew up in my face I figured I would share some of my favorites Q & A’s over the next few days.
Here’s a personal fav:
Question: Ok once and for all I need to know, does size really matter. And what is more important Length or Girth?
Amber: SIZE DOES MATTER. Dont get me wrong it doesnt have to be huge but it needs to be at least 7 inches and fairly thick. Its hard to say what it is more important Length or Girth? The reason being is that all woman are shaped differently, a loose girl would probably tell you Girth but I tend to disagree! My personal preference is length because I like it DEEP!
Webmaster note: Wow that was blunt wasnt it? Well at least she was honest. Upon questioning her further regarding this it seems that only one guy has met this criteria with her so it doesnt seem to be mandatory.
Update: It seems that Amber has now had 2 men that meet this criteria, im not sure if she had just met this “new” addition or if her memory was jogged. Im starting to think Amber has been plowed more than an corn field in Iowa. I know her pretty well and I can easily predict her reaction to my last statement. “Your so wrong about me, Im a good girl!!”
Another update: The following is the from a womans survey on this very topic. Women simply don’t care about size. There will be the odd ones who say it is very important, but they are usually the ones who love aggressive sex. For women, penises are marvelous toys, and no matter what they look like, they will excite women. Women do talk about their men’s penises…often. But most of the time, the focus isn’t on size; we focus more on what you did with it. In all honestly, we will spend more time talking about whether you wash yourself and smell good, rather than what it looks like.
Today Sept 12th 2005, Seattle Mariners catcher retired from major league baseball. While he was never a superstar, he was the core of a team that saved baseball in Seattle. He was the only remaining member of the 1995 Mariners that beat the Yankees in the ALDS and convinced the local government to build what is now Safeco field that kept the team from being sold and moved. Its hard to describe what he meant to the team because he wasn’t flashy or as charismatic as a Griffey or a Buhner but he was the glue that held the team together through tough years. He was quiet and unassuming, but he was a competitor of the highest order. Rarely did you see him show emotion on the field and when you did see him argue a 3rd strike of smile as he slapped hands at home plate after a rare home run, you knew that it was pure honest emotions. There was nothing fake of ingenuine about him, he simply showed up every day and played the game the way it should be played.
For every all-star that has come and left he represents a rarity in sports nowadays and that’s loyalty. He has always given so much to the community that it’s hard to see him go. In the past 4 years we have seen Jay Buhner, Edgar Martinez and now Dan the Man retire and how many teams can ever imagine having three such humble and honorable players in their history let alone gracing the same playing field. They all represented a different type of athlete than we see today; they represented all that is good about not just sports but what it good about life. A similar thing happened to all three of them when they announced their retirements, all of the employees in the Mariners organization gathered at Safeco Field and greeting them with applause. They wanted to show not only their thanks but also show their respect for being loyal to not only the team but to the community.
Its the end of an era in Seattle and im sad because he will always represent the old guard of the Seattle Mariners and a time that will always hold a special place in my memories. With free agency and ever revolving rosters I doubt that we will ever see a core of teammates that meant so much to a city than they did but maybe that’s a good thing because what they represented will never be duplicated.
Dan mentioned in his press conference that he hopes to catch one more inning this year and to go out while still on the field. I was there for the last game of 1995 and if he catches one more inning I will be there for that game as well. If dreams can come true I hope this one can and will.
Thanks Dan
I was awoken today at 6 fucking am because some dick head mofo couldn’t start his car. Over and over he grinded the starter and when it finally did start, he had flooded the car so bad it wouldn’t stay on for more than 2-3 seconds. This happened over and over for 15 minutes until I could actually hear him slam his car door and yell “piece of shit truck”. This guy should apply for a job in the Bush administration.
“Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated and drunkenness sobered, but stupid lasts forever”
This pretty much sums it up
Well I dont really get paid for it but I was able to use all the skills that I have acquired in my life. This is the test that all mankind should be judged by.
I scored an A and was rewarded with a lovely prize
Woke up around 5am, looked around my bedroom and decided to get up and check out some online newspapers. Being from the NW I checked out the PI and the Times and even roamed over to the Post as its a guilty pleasure of mine. Now these newspapers are 3000 miles from each other and about as different as you can imagine but they all shared a similiar theme….and thats rivalries. Between the Mets and the Yankees, the Giants and the Jets and even the Huskies and the Cougs.
Seattle is a town of small rivalries, we are tucked away in the northwest corner of the country somewhat forgotten about. The Mariners havent really had much success as a franchise in the 70’s and 80’s but when they made the playoffs for the first time in ‘95 and knocked off the hated Yankees it seemed as though it was setting up a cross country rivalry. But with losses to the Yankees in the 2000 & 2001 ALCS it has started to look like that isnt the case. When your a small market team without much history it always seemed that when the team traveled to Yankee Stadium it was an event. Most people from outside of NY share a common hatred for the Yankees, not unlike a the rich kid in high school who has a new car as a junior. They just stand out from the rest and seem cocky and arrogant. In the early to mid 90’s the M’s were finally starting to accumulate some talent and could really knock the crap out of the ball. Sure the relief pitching was just plain horrible but Griffey, Buhner, Edgar, Tino and Mike Blowers all had 30-40 home run power.
This was also a time when the Yanks werent as good as they are now and seemed to have a chink in the armor. And boy did the M’s take them to school, they would score 5 runs in the 1st inning, launching majestic homeruns one after another into the bleachers. Jay Buhner, who was traded to the Mariners from the Yanks, seemed determined to beat them single handidly, In 1991, Buhner hit a rocket over the left-field fence that landed in a loading zone where an ambulance was parked. It led off sportscenter and was one of those moments that would have been exagerated over time if it had taken place in the non t.v. era. It would have blossomed into one of those stories that grandfathers tell while sitting in thier barcalonger with all the grandkids gathered round him, it nearly hit the moon he would say to the awe struck kids before him, they never did find that ball but I swear some guy in China has a busted window as a result.
This was a great time to be a Mariner fan, they weren’t all that good but it was exciting to watch. The three run home run was always a possibility. Griffey made spectacular catches, Jay made laser beam throws to second base nailing a runner trying to get a double after hitting a ball off the Walla Walla (right field wall). Randy Johnson was finally gaining the control that had caused every batter to start wondering where the ball might go and if digging into the batters box was wise. On top of all this they had just drafted another phenom in Alex Rodriguez and he was looking like the next Cal Ripken. All this came together in 1995 when they came from 15 ½ games behind the Angels and finally made the playoffs in Lou Pinellas 3rd season as manager. They beat those hated Yanks in the first ALDS with dramatic fashion in the 11th inning of game five when Edgar laced that line drive down the 3rd base chalk. Seeing Griffey doing his best Jesse Owens impersonation rounding 3rd and heading for home plate where he was met with his teammates in pandemonius celebration. In living rooms all over the NW fans were jumping, hugging and screaming in delight.
It seemed this town had finally had the rivalry it has longed for and it was with the most storied franchise in sports history. But now it is 10 years later and while the Yanks draw a big crowd at the Safe it sure doesn’t feel the way it did on that cool October day.
We are now left with a rivalry that most states have and that’s between its 2 colleges. The Apple Cup brings together the Beloved UW Huskies and the hay seed, cheap beer drinking WSU Cougars. Its has always brought the two spectrums of the college experience, on one hand we have the proud and storied campus of Washington where its graduate programs are among the most highly rated in the nation and its football program that has been as successful as any in the nation. Compare this to WSU where you have to pee outside at a game and can major in cheese. The stark contrasts are obvious but from time to time the cougs end up having a pretty good team from time to time. And on a few occasions have actually beat the Huskies even though I have had that part of my memory removed with a salad thong. The week leading up to the game is as fun as the state gets in a given year, local newscasters are wearing Husky sweaters and are making fun of the lowly dregs from the other side of the mountain. It brings people together for only one purpose and that’s to make fun of something that another person cares about. The jokes can really cut deep like only an ex girlfriend can, examples below:
What is the biggest lie a cougar tells in Pullman?
I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
What does a WSU woman tell her lover when she’s done with sex?
Get off me, Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!”
One Husky to another:
You know that look a woman gets when she wants to have sex?
Me neither
Of course this is all well and good because the Huskies usually end up winning and I live in the civilized part of the state rooting for the purple and gold. But as a rivalry it has to do more with the division between the two cultures than actual game history. The state of Washington is a diverse place and is separated by the cascade mountain range. On the west side there is the state capitol, Interstate-5, the Space Needle, The Sonics, Hawks and Mariners. On the east they have some desolate tract of desert, apple orchards and a burgeoning meth industry.
Its about white collar vs. denim collar, its about drinking martinis instead of miller in a can, its about corporate culture vs. family farms. It’s at the heart of what’s driving the financial gap in this country. One is considered liberal the other is conservative. It’s about the clashing of classes not helmets. And I guess that’s what a true rivalry is all about, not necessarily what happens on the field but how we live in our day-to-day lives.
A shirt all husky fans should where to Pullman
Its pigskin dammit!! Yep you guessed it… football season has arrived and Im as happy as thong on Salma Hayek. This is the time of year that I love the most, summer is winding down and it hasnt started raining in the NW yet. But most importantly the NFL is back in session and it brings with it a hope that the Seahawks can finally break through and take the next step and reach the Super Bowl.
Some of my fondest memories are when the family got together and watched the Seahawks in the Mid to late 80’s. The Seahawks were a pretty successful new franchise considering they were 9-7 in both 1978 and 1979 just 2 years after they had joined the league. The first year they made the playoffs in 1983 they reached the AFC Championship game but ended up losing to the eventual Super Bowl Champion, L.A. (not Oakland) Raiders. I have a few uncles and it was always an exciting time when the Seahawk game came on and everyone gathered around the old tube. It wasnt just about the game but also about the commraderie that was built in rooting for Steve Largent, Jim Zorn and Dan Dornick. One memory that sticks out the most is the one bar face mask of kicker Efren Herrara and the time the Hawks faked a field goal and he ran down the field and caught a 35 yard touchdown on MNF. The house just exploded into cheers and euphoria over that improbable play, just thinking of the looks on everyones faces bring a big grin to mine.
Some of my friends that were born and raised here root for the Steelers the Raiders or even the Vikings. And while I have had some interest in some other teams when the Seahawks were just plain horrible in the 90’s I will always call them my team. When they win a game or have an exciting play it always brings me back to that living room in my Grandma’s house where the family gathered in our own personal version of the Kingdome.
Its been a few days since I updated my blog as I have been preparing to move out of my apartment and into a house with my brother. This is the first apartment that I have ever lived in and coming from a house I had accumulated a lot of stuff, so much so that I needed a 2 bd place just to have an empty room to store it. It took me over 3 days just to pack up and to get rid of all the stuff I had been holding onto. I was within about 20 hours of moving and all I had left was my computer and t.v. to pack up, when all of a sudden my plans were unraveling like a sweater with a frayed hem. A situation had presented itself and I was literally stunned silent and left virtually motionless.
For the next 20 minutes I tried to, as they say down south, put the shit back in the horse. I cancelled the truck, the movers and scrambled to make sure that my power and cable weren’t cut off. I then talked to my landlord to see if I could stay in the place for at least another month. After this whirlwind of activity I sat down and contemplated what had just transpired and all of a sudden a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I suddenly got very tired as I had been up all night packing and strolled over to by bedroom where I was asleep before my well-coifed hair had hit the pillow.
I awoke the next day in a good mood until I walked out into my living room and witnessed the boxes piled to the ceiling. It took me 5 minutes to find a spoon and a bowl for some cereal. The only thing left in my fridge was some milk and that was soon gone. I soon realized that a trip to the store was needed where I proceeded to drop a hefty $155.00. But then as I was sitting on my sofa and I started watching the news and saw the devastation in the gulf coast and began to look at all the stuff I had stacked around me and realized how lucky I was….. how lucky we all are in the NW.