Unemployed Ben

Some women out there are pissed off that I never mention any of the faults that men have. I thought about this and I guess they are right but I just couldn’t come up with any so I thought about the top reasons why its great to be a guy.

No urge to cuddle after sex
We can pee standing up
No biological clock
No scruples
We can sleep with 5 hookers at our bachelor party and have a clear conscience
We make more money
We run the country
Violence and gratuitous sex are appealing
Farts and burps are funny
No yeast infections
We have reason and accountability
We are not jealous of our friends clothing or hairstyles
We know how to drive a car
We don’t have to wax anything other than our cars
10 hours of watching football is educational
We don’t have to give birth
We have a sex drive
We can throw a baseball
We can use a wrist rocket with alarming accuracy
3 lbs of Beef jerky is a meal for us
We know how to bbq ribs
We don’t watch American Idol or buy Clay Aiken cd’s
We can open our own jars not matter how stuck the lid is
We don’t have to whore ourselves out for free drinks
We can kill our own food and then mount whats left on a wall
Pretty much all porno is made specifically for us
Spitting, scratching our balls and drinking lots of beer are all socially acceptable

Unemployed Ben’s Quotes of the Day

The sun has been there for 500, 600 years …
— Mets outfielder Mike Cameron, after teammate Carlos Beltran lost a ball in the sun

You’re not going to play for me if you don’t put out
— Mets manager Willie Randolph

Smoking a cigarette through a filter is like sucking a tit through a sweater
— Ted Koppel’s brother Randy

These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.
— Charles Barkley

The other day I was clicking around on IMDB and was checking out the new Mike Judge movie called Idiocracy. If you dont know who Mike Judge is, he created Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill and wrote and directed Office Space.

The premise for the new movie is an “average american” is picked for a top secret military hibernation project but they forget about him and he stays asleep for 1000 years. When he wakes up he discovers a society so incredibly dumbed-down that he’s easily the most intelligent person alive.

If your not familiar with IMDB at the bottom of each movie web page there is a message board where people can discuss the movie and the cast. As Luke Wilson (Oldschool) is the main character, some of the messages seem to revolve around how he is kind of an ass when he is on the movie set. After a dozen or so more messages it starts to turn into McCarthyism and a bunch of guys who are claiming to be either extras or part of a film crew start ranting about his bad demeanor. It gets to the point of being ridiculous as it seems everyone and my mother seems to have been worked on the set at one point. It was becoming so comical that I decided to get in on the action with my own post…..so without further ado I give you a glimpse into my first IMDB message.

Re: Luke Wilson; kind of an ass

I work for the Make a Wish Foundation and I was assigned to this 8 year old boy with cancer and his wish was to meet Vince Vaughn. Vince agreed to the meeting and invited little Billy to the set of Old School. Billy was very excited to meet Vince and brought along his dog “Puddles”. When Billy arrived on the set he was taken over to Vince’s trailer and Luke Wilson was walking by. Billy’s dog barked at Luke and it seemed to catch him off guard. He then got an angry look on his face, walked over to the dog and kicked it. Puddles yelped in pain from the brutal attack and Billy started to cry. This seem to set him off even more and he looked at Billy’s bald head and said “Nice Haircut Sinéad” and then pushed his wheel chair over. One of the security guards that helped Billy get back into his chair mentioned that Luke gets like that when he is out of Meth.

Thats right you heard it here, Luke Wilson pushed a dying kid out of his wheel chair and kicked his dog while having Meth withdrawls.

I do have to say Old School was funny as hell and even though Billy died from the incident it just might have been worth it.

This might be shocking to some but at one point in history I Unemployed Ben, was actually gainfully employed by a large Wireless Cell Phone company. I worked there for over 5 years and in that time we had 2 Spokeswomen. One was Jamie Lee Curtis who had a memorable start to her career with the Horror Classic Halloween and a scintilating scene in Trading Places that was memorable to all teenage boys who saw it. The other was Catherine Jones who has been in a few good movies (Traffic & High Fidelity) and is passable in small roles but doesnt seem to do so well when trying to carry a movie on her own (Intolerable Cruelty & The Terminal). I always felt that only one of them was a genuine person and the other was a money hungry media whore. Lets see if you can figure out which one im not much of a fan of by listing some of their quotes:

Jamie Lee Curtis

“I thought, while they’re up and firm, why not shoot them once or twice”

“I have to be careful to get out before I become the grotesque caricature of a hatchet-faced woman with big knockers.”

Catherine Jones

“My husband had houses all around the world before I met him and now we have houses together, which is lovely”

“I used to go around looking as frumpy as possible because it was inconceivable you could be attractive as well as be smart”

It should be obvious by now but the reason I bring all of this up is recently I saw a picture of Catherine in the beginning of her career and it kinda shocked the hell out of me because it really doesnt even look like her. So I decided to find a current picture of her and compare the two and it amazed me how much plastic surgery she must have (allegedly) had . Then I decided to compare a early and current picture of Jamie Lee and it was pretty much what an aging woman would look like without the benefit of surgical enhancements. The pictures below tell the story.

Before & After

Before & After

Recently I have heard from some of the readers of this blog that I am hard on women (No pun intended) and that I should be nicer. I of course delete these comments as women should be seen and not heard. Oh damn was that one of those insensitive remarks that they mention? Well what people dont realize is that I love many things about women and to prove it I will list them here. But instead of rambling on with another top 10 list I have heard that a picture tells the story so with that said these are the reasons I love women.

Hair

Boobies

Stomach

Belly Button

Back

Booty

Legs

Hands

Fingernails

Ankles

Im sure I have offended some people and they are wondering what is wrong with me. Recently my mother found this picture from my childhood and maybe this will explain things.

Woke up around 6ish and didn’t have much on the old schedule today. Its what is commonly referred to as a boring day but after watching some news and reading some online newspapers I decided to check out the 4th of July pictures I took. This was really my first attempt at taking firework pictures and I borrowed a friend’s film camera. I don’t have much experience with a film camera as I basically learned how to take photos on a strictly digital basis. So I did a little research so that I could get it right the first time and I found out that the best approach was for a timed exposure that opens the shutter for 5-7 seconds to catch the ascending shell and the burst that follows. Then I tried to find a suitable location but with the fireworks in my town, people camp out on the water for hours in advance and the traffic is crazy afterwards so I decided to go out to a resort town on the Canadian border. I had heard from a few sources that they put on a good show and they do it along a beach. When I got there it ended up being a perfect location due to the fireworks being reflected off the water. The fireworks started then ended and I was pleased with both the show and the location. With a digital camera I have gotten used to instant feedback and having the ability to adjust the exposure or the aperture to get a better picture. As it was a film camera I was unable to do this so I decided to take 5-7 pictures and then slightly change the settings hoping to get a least one or two good shots. I just recently got the film developed and after scanning them into the computer I was pleased with my results. I have included two of what I think are the best below.

At this very moment my asshole neighbors are making more noise than the implosion of the Kingdome. Ive tried the standard moves, the broom on the ceiling trick, the “Shut the Fuck Up” yell and now ive resorted to the playing loud music to drown them out. They dont seem to like my taste in music because they are now jumping up and down causing even more noise. Now this is a time that things could go horribly wrong if I had anger issues. But how about we pretend for a moment I am that demented person we all see on the streets who is argueing with themselves and is on the brink of disaster.

I could casually walk upstairs knock on the door and when a woman opens the door I would introduce her to my stun gun. 10,000 volts renders her a quivering mass of humanity on the very floor that she was just letting her kids play hopscotch on. I then enter the living room and the 2 little bastard inbred kids are jumping around like kangaroos on meth, so I unsheathe my animal tranquillizer gun and Thunk Thunk…. they go down in a heap. Now that everyone is incapacitated I take out the duct tape and proceed to tape each of them to a chair, then I call my friend Chico and tell him to bring over his equipment. As I wait for Chico I go over to the fridge and grab myself the only beer they can afford, a shitty ass Nati Lite. I take two long swigs of the domestic swill and begin to ponder how much time ill do in prison when the doorbell rings indicating that Chico has arrived. I bring him into the shitty ass apartment and he lets out a hearty belly laugh when he sees what I have been up to.

See Chico is a demented fuck and he is the perfect man for the mission I have planned. He is the type of person that walks through a parking lot and old ladies and soccer moms start locking their doors. He can walk down a crowded sidewalk and the masses part like the Red Sea as he looks like he might pull a Grand Theft Auto at any minute. I tell him to get to work and he sets up his equipment with the meticulous nature of a surgeon. He finishes with the first kid and shows me his handy work and I nearly shit my pants when I cast on my eyes on the masterpiece that is Chico’s work. I tell him to do other little brat, he looks at me with this wicked grin and I know that I have called the right guy. After another 10 minutes Chico says he is finished and that the victims are starting to wake up.

We each pull up a chair and wait for them to break consciousness, the fog begins to lift and they see before them their neighbor and what must be a Latino Gang member. They begin to realize that they cannot move and a panic hits their eyes that excites me to no end. After a few minutes they begin to calm down and I explain that this is the consequence of fucking with a guy with no job, no woman, no money and no car. I then bring up a mirror to each one the kids faces to show them Chico’s handy work. The emotion that bubbles to the surface is one of panic, humiliation and desperation all rolled into one. I enjoy the moment like DeVinci must have when he completed the Sistine Chapel and gazed at the genius he had created. Chico then proclaimed that this is some of the best work he has every done. I agree with him then I take out a camera and document the moment for eternity. We leave the apartment wearing the two biggest shit-eating grins that have ever graced this world.

The reason for the grins? Well Chico is a talented man in the tattoo business and has made sure their next family portrait will be a memorable one.

Of course I would never do anything like this…..or would I?

I had my fantasy football draft yesterday; it was good to see some of the guys again as well as my cousin. Now when this group gets together its not unlike the group of Senators that attacked the La Cosa Nostra in the 50’s. Any topic is treated like a hunk of filet mignon being thrown to a pack of wild and hungry dogs, it is attacked with such voracity that spectators to this carnage are literally left in awe and start to back up slowly hoping to not attract the attention of the ravenous pack.

But there seemed to be one presiding theme and it revolved around all the “free time” that I have at my disposal and how it translated into me being the most prepared and the most successful team of the past few years. This kind of shocked me as I thought having free time is a good thing and something not to be mocked. I sat quietly and pondered this for a while and then I took a long glance around the room at each individual person and began to realize that they were actually jealous of me. Now this is something that has rarely happened in my life so I cracked open a Black Butte Porter and a wide grin spread across my face.

I started to see the reality of the situation as what sat before me was men with wives, kids and serious financial responsibilities. They spend almost every waking moment being dictated to by their surroundings. Virtually every minute of the day is pre-planned. Vacations are not what I would call vacations, they are spent stopping kids from fighting, planning things to do that will cause the least amount of chaos, appeasing the wife by backing down on any confrontational event that might occur just to keep the peace.

These guys are in prison and while it may be a man made prison it is still a prison. What makes it worse is that its a prison that they created and cannot escape from. Its as if they designed the best maximum security lockdown facility in all of the US and to prove it they locked themselves in a cell but realize that after the door is shut it is too late and are trapped and will never see the light of day again. Panic ensues and they lash out at anything that isn’t in the same dead end situation that they are in.

The funny thing is it’s like mocking a guy dating a supermodel:
“Oh look at Unemployed Ben with his gorgeous girlfriend with zero body fat, ill bet she walks around naked all the time and really likes sex but is superficial”

Or mocking the Wealthy:
“He may have exotic cars, fancy yachts and palatial estates but he cant buy happiness”

Or even ridiculing a guy with a large phallus:
“He may be able to please any woman he is with but Ill bet he gets in stuck in zippers all the time”

These are the arguments of a man with jealousy in his heart or as the kids call them “Haters”. I am suprised that this has happened to me but I while I have no job no money no woman and no car I am still the envy of all men that are trapped in a dark and damp cave that has no exit and the oxygen is running out. I have a rare commodity and that is free time. I have so much of it I use it up by watching tv, surfing the internet and even drinking champagne from the belly of a hooker. I am a man and I have free time…..Viva la me!!!

I sit here in my apartment
where its hot as hell

The smell of ball sweat
is in the air

I look to freezer
to help me cool off

I see a frozen
bottle of Smirnoff

I grab the bottle with
Excitement and hope

And put it in contact with
my burning rope

My temperature is dropping
The longer I hold

This vodka bottle
Thats making my nuts cold

My fantasy football draft is tomorrow and I have been craming all the information I can find into my brain and suddenly I started to realize is how much is too much information. I have embraced the minutia* of football and its starting to scare me.

Let me give you an example of what im talking about. Ahman Green is one of the best running backs in the league over the past 5 years but he had a down turn last year so I decided to weigh the positives and negatives of his upcoming season and productivity.

The positives as I see them:

Consistent production:
Has averaged 1774 combined yards and 13 td’s over the past 3 yrs

Offensive scheme:
West Coast offense consistently in top five in scoring

Integral part of passing game:
He catches 50 balls a year

Free agent year:
This is a huge factor as this will most likely will be his last nfl contract and he will be playing for a huge payday and that is a motivating factor that outwieghes all others

The negatives:
Offensive line lost 2 starting guards:
This might have the most negative impact as guards are the ones that help with the large amount of play action draws that the Packers run. If he cant run up the middle this will dramatically effect the Packers running play ratio.

Weak defense resulting in fewer running plays:
Defense went from decent to poor and as a result they were behind more and had to abandon the running game resulting in 812 less yards and 12 fewer touchdowns.

Fumbling: He has a fumbling problem and thats a drive killer and makes him less likely to get the ball at the goal line

Age:
28, now most people would say he is in his prime but he has had over 300 rushing attempts 3 times in the past 4 years and has averaged around 350 touches over the same time period and that means he is getting hit a lot and he might be starting the downside of his career. Wear and tear is the reason many RB’s tend to have dramatic falloffs in production.

Scored 12 fewer td’s last year than previous year:
This is the scariest factor as the team didnt have as much faith in him in the red zone as previous years and with some flux in their offensive line he could have a trouble scoring again.

Now just looking at all this info makes me wonder what all of this knowledge really provides me. While I have won about $2200 over the past two years it makes me wonder if I had put this effort into another endeavor that maybe I wouldnt be a unemployed guy with no woman or car.

*minutia - mi·nu·ti·a
n : a small or minor detail; “he had memorized the many minutiae of the legal code”

I was reading this magazine article about a certain movie director who was outlining some of the most surprising things that had happened on one of his movie sets and it inspired me to come up with my top 10 in no particular order:

1. Eating pot brownies then sneaking into Rambo and getting my first handjob in a movie theatre- yes it was from a female you sickos

2. I caught part of “myself” in my pants zipper ala There’s Something About Mary when I was 13 and had no other option than to perform the do it fast and get it over with technique which resulted in a small scar I still have today.

3. A girl that I hung out with that I had a huge crush on but had a boyfriend showed up on my doorstep on new years eve completly drunk and very naked and when I answered the door she ran away… Never found out why she was naked as she claimed to not remember the incident.

4. While at a bar one night with some friends a pretty cute girl that I had just met and who weighed maybe 100 lbs, challenged me to a drinking contest. She proceeded to drink me under the table then called me a lightweight pussy as she left me with a monster bar bill. I was woken up by pouring down rain and was in the bed of a pick up truck. I was sick for a week and never stopped hearing about it from my friends.

5. Finding $200 on a sidewalk when I was 10 years old

6. Last day of school in 8th grade and as I was getting off the bus I was invited by a fellow 8th grade girl to go over to her house where she proceeded to literally rip off my clothes and take my virginity. We then did it 3 more times in the course the next 2 hours. Didn’t see her again for over 3 years and to be honest I had no clue what I was doing but she sure did.

7. When I was eighteen on the day I got my 1st car the same girl flagged me down for a ride and I ended up driving her out to the boonies and ended up getting stuck in a muddy driveway, I eventually got un-stuck but my car was muddy as hell which made her feel bad so she came over the next day and washed my car in a bikini the next day. I found out later she needed the ride to score some speed.

8. 1995 game 6 ALCS Mariners vs Indians - m’s lose but the fans stayed there for 30 minutes cheering and the M’s players come out and paid homage to the fans. . Ill never forget Vince Coleman ripping off his jersey and tossing it to the crowd and pumping his fist wildly in exuberance. Seeing Bob Wolcott bringing a cardboard box out from his locker and throwing everything he had to the fans. Watching him tossing baseballs to the upper deck from behind the dugout, his appreciation could be felt all the way from the box seats to the 300 level nose bleeders. Lou was tipping his hat and I remember having never felt so good about anything in my life. The high I felt that day will probably never be matched but I remember as the fans piled out of the dome the energy level was on an unprecedented high and a buzz filled that city that night that still sends shivers down my spine.

9. Got tag teamed by 2 drop dead gorgeous women in Vancouver in 1998 and it was worth every penny…okay fine they were hookers.

10. Pitched a one hitter against a team that had beat me 15-0 the year before-It was a game where every pitch I had was working and the one hit was a texas leaguer that didnt go 15 feet outside of third base. Their star hitter, who I struck out 3 times, threatened me in the parking lot with a bat and his teammates had to restrain him. Now that I think about it I hadnt given up a hit and it was the 4th inning and my coach came out to the mound after going to a 2-0 count and was joking around about taking me out of the game and that I he was warming up a lefty. My team carried me off the field it was one of the best days Ive ever had.

Now I have never really been a fan of Tattoos or Piercings on a woman but if its done in moderation it can be fairly attractive. A small butterfly or hummingbird on a woman’s ankle or the back of the shoulder can be quite attractive but the giant rose garden on the lower back are more than a little gauche, even though they can make nice targets for the “Pull out”. Piercings however are a little different because almost all women have their ears pierced but it has now grown into something else all together with noses, eyebrows and lips (both north and south) being adorned with bling. I am actually friends with a woman that had the eyebrow to nose chain thing working and one night after having drank a few too many Cosmos she went to the bathroom but walked into the door which had a clothes hook on it and ripped the chain out of her eyebrow and nose creating a bloody mess and leaving her with a Nick Van Exel eyebrow scar.

But that leads me to the one piercing that is not only okay with me but is encouraged by most men and that is the tongue piercing. There really is no reason for a woman to get one unless she likes to suck dick like Pamela Anderson on X. Seriously, the only benefit of the barbell shaped tongue stud is to give a man a more intense feeling while receiving oral pleasure. Its truly the only unselfish act that I can think of that a woman has even given a man and yes that includes child birth.

But I digress as a lot of women get these tongue adornments and they don’t have any clue that this is the only real reason to get one. They actually believe that is a fashion statement and are just expressing their freedom by following the latest trends. Now this makes no fucking sense as you cant even see the damn thing unless she is showing you her best Gene Simmons impersonation. It actually even effects many woman’s speech patterns and while I have no problem with that as women really shouldn’t be talking it would seem to be a deterrent if your not going to be giving your man the Lewinski on a semi regular basis.

Its total false advertisement because if you have a shot with two women and they are on equal footing but one of them has a tongue ring it puts a giant bull’s-eye right on her forehead. It says “Hey look at me I like to suck dick, please take me home and ill show what a woman without a gag reflex can do”. Then you get back to her apartment and you whip out Mr. Happy and then casually push her head down with the force of Shaquille Dunk and she says “Ewwww…. I’m not sucking your dick, they smell”!! Then I end up saying something like “What the fuck…your wearing a tongue stud and you wont let me see if you had your tonsils removed…..Damn you Succubus”.

So to all the women in the world I am putting together a release form that will need to be signed by all women before they are able to get the Tongue Piercing and it will read as follows:

I (insert name here) understand that along with this piercing comes a responsibility to perform fellatio to all men that I take home with me or that I flirt with in bars to get free drinks. By signing this document I realize that it will have to be removed after the honeymoon if I get married as no married women give oral pleasure. I acknowledge that the right to wear this piercing will be revoked if it is found that I am not performing the duties so described above. I agree to indemnify and hold harmless from any claims the following:
· Unemployed Ben
· All women that like to engage in 3 ways with Unemployed Ben
· All Employees of T-Bone enterprises

The 23rd annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest attracted entries from Australia, Israel and the U.K. But Dan McKay, who works for the software giant’s Great Plains unit in Fargo, N.D., bested them all to take the top spot by entering his description of a lady.

The sentence that scooped the Microsoft man his trophy was:

“As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual.”

This is without a doubt the greatest sentence ever written!!!

LONDON (AP) - Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse — women’s voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men’s, a report said.

The reason for this is that the ratio of words that women use are different than that of a man. A vast majority of a womans words are that of a whinning and bitching variety that end up sounding like a screaching hyena.

Men that are not exposed to this type of woman tend live longer, have more sex and watch a helluva lot more football thus resulting in a much happier life.

A spokeswoman for the screaching hyenas said that women have dedicated themselves to ruining the lives of their husbands for 100’s of years and if they aren’t happy they certainly won’t let anyone else be happy either.

Well im still without a job, money, a women or a car. I really have no clue anymore, I seem to have been able to survive 3 months without any real cash but now I am just kinda floating down the river of life except the river is polluted and raging out of control and my intertube has sprung a leak and that large rumbling sound I hear are the falls that are fast approaching and most likely will send me to my doom.

Its kinda funny but over the past 3 years the only thing I have been succesful at is Fantasy Football. I have won the league that I belong to for the past 2 years and this is a league I have been in for about 10 years but has been running for the past 19. It pretty remarkable actually considering that it is now a 200 million dollar industry. It was basically started to help boring games or games that didnt hold much interests for Seahawk fans become more exciting. You were now interested in meaningless td’s thrown in the last 2 minutes of a blow out game . You cheered for teams you would normally hate because you had the running back for the team and they had 1st and goal at the 2 yard line. It made football just that much more fun.

Its kinda of an amazing thing because 10 years ago baseball was americas pastime and was the most popular sport. The Cleveland Browns, Philadelphia Eagles, New England Patriots, Washington Redskins and even the Oakland Raiders were playing in decreped stadiums and these are some of the most storied franchises in NFL history. And then a funny thing happened, fantasy football started to sweep the nation and games that fans genereally didnt care about were now on the edge of their seats about and they packed bars all over their home towns just to be able to talk to their buddies about how their team was doing. They would switch to CNN Headline news during commercials to see updated scores as there was not ticker at the bottom of every game as there is now.

Networks were actually really slow to realize how many millions of fans were participating in fantasy football and just recently started putting up stats at halftime for most offensive positions in a game. Never before did they say who scored but would just flash up an occasional scoring update during lulls in the games they were broadcasting. It still amazes me to this day to hear that most nfl broadcasters barely even use the internet let alone have an email account.

Then they started to hear stories that Commish.com had about 100,000 leagues set up for $100.00 per league, yep thats 10 million dollars. Now cbs sporstline has bought them out and they even created a partnership with the NFL directly. This is actually pretty crazy as almost all the fantasy football leagues are for money and some of them can get into the thousands of dollars for the top prize. Can you imagine the NCAA actually running a March Madness pool website and profiting off of gamblers? These websites are well aware that fantasy football is a form of gambling as the sites they set up have all the features built into them to keep your finances in order and how to make sure that everyone is charged for every transaction a team makes.

Now dont get me wrong I think its great that the automatic websites exist because scores are now tabulated automatically and we dont have to run to get the paper or watch sportscenter 4 times to try and get the info on every game. I remember how every copy of USA Today would always sell out on Mondays during football season becuase they not only had the box scores of every game, they actually recapped what happened in every game and told the story of how your players did perfomance wise.

Nowadays just go into any book store of news stand in August and see how many fantasy football magazines there are. On my trip this last week I counted 18 different magazines. This is amazing to someone who used to remember when there was only one and it was called Fantasy Football Index. They guys that formed that magazine were some of the first people to ever play fantasy football and were located in my back yard of Seattle. They started it up in 1979 because they missed roistissierie baseball and wanted to come up with a similiar thing for football. It started to catch on in the early 80’s and that when some of my brothers friends heard about in and formed their own league. They had people from the Seattle Golf Club and Yacht Club get together for what was their first Fantasy Football Draft. It was basically just an excuse to get together, drink some beers and eat some pizza and talk about football.

Well that summer evening will go down in history as the one that started it all for me. I was only 13 at the time and my brother and his best friend had been invited to have a team. I was a football fan and would enjoy hearing my brother talk about this new league and way of enjoying football. I would be on the outside for sometime as they kept a pretty stable group of guys and rarely did an opportunity arrise where I would been able to get my own team. I remember that in my late teens and early 20’s I would attend their draft and help organize and document the players and the teams. Of course I was also there for the beer and pizza as well but there was a true commradery between the friends and it almost seemed like forbidden fruit to me. So without being able to join their league I started one of my own with my group of friends. And while it was fun at times most of my friends mostly bitched and whined about it and didnt really have the true understading of how you were to conduct yourself and also have fun at the same time.

I had my own league for about 3 or so years and had won twice when I got the invite to be a partner on a team in the coveted Yacht Club League. I swear it was like I was tolling around in the minor leagues and then I got called up to the majors. I was now invited into the hollowed ground as a participant and not just a spectator. This partnership was with a friend of mine and we ended up having very good teams for 3 years until he decided to hand the reigns over to me and gave me the franchise I had been waiting 12 years to have. It was truley all that I expected it to be, we even had one of the owners that was a engineer and he would put together weekly newsletters with standings, charts, graphs and power rankings. It was an amazing time as you talked to these guys on a weekly and sometimes daily basis. There was so much more to it than just the football as it gave us all an excuse to get together for Monday Night Football and to be able to joke around about players that got injured or the rookie who turned out to be a stud. There was a closeness to all of it.

With that said nowadays with the internet and up to second scoring there isnt much of a need to even see each other any more. Over the past 10 years there has been substantial turnover in the league and there is only two original owners. We even have a guy in Arkansas who drafts over the speaker phone. Most of the communication is done on a message board and while the real time abilities are convenient I miss the old times of getting out a pencil and paper and writing down my lineep next to my opponents and then adding up the scores. You never really knew what all of your players had done and were usually surprised by at least one unkown touchdown. Those days are long gone and along with them the friendships that were solidified with the simple act of sitting down and watching a football game together. Hell most of these guys are married with kids and rarely even get to sit down and watch a game any more.

That line does not just hold fond memories for Dodgers fans when Kirk Gibson hit that homerun off of relief pitcher Dennis Eckersley in Game 1 of the 1988 World Series but now it also describes what I saw on this glorious NorthWest Washington night.

I had walked to the local store to grab some of those Lime popsicles that I crave when the weather gets a little hot. I had walked the 3 blocks to the store without incident and had purchased the aforementioned cool treats and was walking home when I saw a bench and decided to indulge in one of my frozen lovelies and after I had consumed about half of my indulgence I noticed two cars pull up in front of me both facing the same direction (I’m assuming they didn’t notice me as I was off the street and hidden in the darkness) when all of a sudden the door of a Honda civic whipped open and a woman came running out fully engaged in giggling and laughter. Now normally I wouldn’t have cared much but the woman in question was absolutely 100% buck ass NAKED!!! Now this woman or girl was probably only 16 or 17 years old and while not drop dead gorgeous she looked quite good in the buff. She had a noticeable tan line that only comes from a skimpy bikini and as she left the car she looked over in my direction and I saw in her eyes that she didn’t think anyone was going to be getting such an up close look at her streaking. She then yelled out “Holy shit some dude can see me” and she ran around to the other car, which gave me a great view of her teenage booty, and got into the other car. All I heard was laughter and screams of delight as both the cars took off in unison.

Now I was sitting there with my mouth agape wondering if I had just had an acid flashback or if that had really happened. I must have sat there motionless for 3-4 minutes, as the only thing that woke me from my daze was my melting Popsicle running down my hand. Then all of a sudden the same two cars went driving by in the other direction and I was greeted this time by the hairy ass of what my only guess was the streakers boyfriend. This of course brought me back to reality as only hairy man ass can do. As the cars turned the corner, I heard very clearly the following being yelled by a woman’s voice “Did you get a good look old man?” Now I didn’t really have time to answer but I most assuredly did get a good look. If the cops needed me to pick that chics ass out of a line-up it would take me about 3 seconds.

It just goes to show you that good things can happen to an Unemployed guy with no money and no woman.

Update: The carpet did match the drapes

2nd Update: Some have cast doubt on this story and have implied that it was an acid flashback, I have now taken that into consideration and cant refute that it could have been as I have taken acid and the 3 bowl top ramen a day diet I am on might have infected my brain with Gargantuan amounts of MSG.