Unemployed Ben

Lately I’ve been unable to get something out of my head. An ex co-worker of mine was telling me about a conversation she had with another co-worker of mine. She explained that this person was detailing a crush she had on me.

I have to explain at this point that the woman in question was so psycho that I nicknamed her Crazy McNutsy. Now this is the type of person you never look directly at because you’re kind of scared what she is capable of. Every company has this type of person, the way too emotional woman who cries about incidental things and who thinks people are out to get her. They complain about everything and read Harry Potter books nine times and obsess over things like short track speed skating.

Ok let’s get back to the story. So Crazy McNutsy starts telling this tale about how she is in love with me. She claimed that not only did I know about this love but that I went out of my way to make her jealous. How did I do this? Well apparently I talked to women in front of her and flirted with them to make her want me even more. She actually detailed that the women that came over to my desk were only the cutest in the building.

Now what I’m thinking is what makes a person contrive such a fantasy world? Consider that this is a woman that I hadn’t looked at in over 2 years. A person that I literally turned away from if I saw her walking towards me. This is the kind of nut job that if you saw her walk into work on a Monday morning with an ak-47 and started shooting up the joint most people would just say “yep, saw that coming”

So as this story is being told to me I was pretty much speechless, which is rare. I couldn’t help but imagine how involved her infatuation with me was. Did she have voodoo dolls of the girls I talked to? Did she have different pictures of me on her wall? Did she plan ways to kidnap and drug me? Had she taken stuff from my desk and made a shrine of it in her dark damp basement?

And then I remembered something that scared the shit out of me. About 6 months ago I came home and on my doorknob was a g-string. I looked around and figured it was a joke or something, I then broke off a small branch from a tree and grabbed the panties in question and walked them over to the dumpster because there is no way I wanted to touch them. I talked to all of my friends about the incident and no one ever copped to it. When this popped into my head my heart skipped a beat, could McNutsy have left the aforementioned unmentionables? I wince and shudder just thinking about it. Its now 4:30 in the morning and I can’t get to sleep just thinking about it.

If for some reason I just disappear and am never heard from again please check her back yard. I am hoping that I don’t wake up some day in an abandoned well with her screaming “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again”

Tom is 43 and Katie is 26 - which is a 17 years difference. She is quoted as saying she had a crush on him after seeing Top Gun, at the time the movie came out she was 8 years old. So with that said here are the top ten reasons why Tom should have realized how creepy dating her really is:

10. When out at bars together she kept asking the bartender for a juice box

9. She was always talking about how awesome the prom will be

8. She had just signed up for Drivers Ed

7. She is constantly updating him on what happened this week on Sesame Street

6. She got distracted by shiny objects

5. Had a tantrum when he turned the channel away from Nickelodeon

4. She only wanted happy meals for dinner

3. Kept drawing outside the lines in her coloring books

2. Wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for X-Mas

1. Thinks boys are gross

Top ten lists seem to be all the rage and as im a slack jawed yocal who will do anything that society deems cool I have compiled my list of things that make me so very angry.

10. The voice inside my head that keeps saying “Get a job loser, you are broke and cant live on ramen and capitol one forever!!”

9. Comcast and their past due reminders

8. People that call me before noon. If I wanted a wake up call then I would live at Motel 6

7. Guys that have to ask their wife if they can have a beer, seriously guys if you have to ask your wives for permission for anything you might want to see how much you can pawn that engagement ring for and try your hand at texas hold ‘em and move to Vegas. At least that way you can say you played your chips before you cashed them in.

6. Your one friend that is always dating the “Crazy Eyed” chic because the sex is so good but still gets pissed off when you remind him about the time she slashed his tires and tried to poison him

5. Women that wont let you take advantage of “Morning Wood”

4. Women getting tattoo’s on their breasts, its the look that says “Hey everyone look at me… I have as poor of judgement as anyone youve ever met”

3. Landlords that want the rent paid on time aka Eviction Notices

2. Reality shows that revolve around people dancing….uuumm actually all reality shows suck. There are now 3 shows on Tattoo parlors about 10 shows on rebuilding or “pimpin out” cars but not one show about strippers?? How about a show on real pimps, I can see it now:

Commentator: So what was that altercation with your woman about?
Sir Pimps A lot: Well ‘dat trick ass ho tried to shorted’ me on the nightly take so I had to show her that my suede covered pimp boots would fit up her ass

1.Women with “standards”

Well there you have it…..another peak into the life of Unemployed Ben.

Quote of the day

“I hate him. Everybody says I’m supposed to be polite when I talk to you all, but I hate him. He talks too much, he doesn’t make sense, he’s fat, he’s sloppy, he acts like he’s the best thing since sliced bread. He’s ugly, he stinks, his mouth stinks, his breath stinks, and basically his soul stinks, too. Not too many people have personalities like that and survive in life. I don’t know how he does it.”
— Panthers DT Kris Jenkins on Warren Sapp

I am getting a lot of shit pitched to me about my take on marriage. Of course all of the complaints were from women that were mostly likely on their “cycles” so to appease these psychos I will try to give a few reasons why someone would want to get married. Of course I will have to think like a woman and try to write as one so I will slam my head in a wall to reduce my I.Q. and then ill try to take away all my reason and accountability.

Why women would want to get married

1. To have someone pay all the bills
2. To have someone available to bitch out
3. To boss someone around because as a woman I should never have any power at work
4. To make sure someone else feels as bad as I do
5. To have someone whipped before he realizes that my breasts and ass will sag an inch a year for the rest of my life
6. To manipulate and demean someone when all my friends realize im a calouse bitch and never want talk to me again
7. To get things around the house fixed and have someone I can make help all my girlfriends when they need help moving
8. To have a bank account because by myself I have a larger debt than most 3rd world nations
9. To have someone to mow the lawn
10. To have someone that will go to 7-11 at 3 in the morning and get me some tampons and Midal when im feeling bloated and fugly
11. To make sure that I never have to perform oral sex again

Unemployed Ben’s Quote of the Day

“A woman without breasts is like a bed without pillows”

Why would anyone want to get married?

This is a question that I have been batting around for over 20 years. I remember back when I was a kid and I recall having to ask permission to do everything.

Can I have some ice cream?
Can I sleep over at Chico’s house?
Can I get a tattoo of The Fonz?

There was nothing like the freedom of moving out of the family home and realizing that you could walk around bare assed, drink coffee at night and run with scissors all with no repercussions. Now why would you ruin that by getting married? The only reason I can think of is Brain Washing. I know some people that have other reasons but as you’ll see below I have a retort for all of them.

1. Sex:
I’ve looked into the eyes of the married men I know and what I see is that they arent getting much more than a mercy hump in the missionary position.

2. Someone to talk to:
To be honest women are crazy 10 days out of every month and no one I know goes to the insane asylum to talk to the nutjobs, so why would want one in your house?

3. Someone to hold onto:
Buy a body pillow and a Plasma TV and you’ll never have to go to the store in the middle of the night to buy feminine products.

4. To have a soul mate:
The divorce rate is 60%, buy a boat instead at least it won’t yell at you when you go fishing with the boys.

5. To have kids:
This is a tough one as most men want to have a boy and raise him to be a linebacker. But as 60% of the population is women the odds are not in your favor and you don’t want to end up having a house of girls to raise. Guys know that eventually some teenage boy will come wanting to date your daughter and all he wants is to see Mary Janes pretty pink panties.

Also, have you ever noticed the reaction people have when they hear that someone has had a baby?
When its a boy its all “you’ve been blessed” if its a girl its “ooohh… Congratulations” and the oooh is not like “ooohh my god I’m cuming” its more like the “ooohh your out of beer”

If your still not convinced go visit a friend that’s has multiple small children and the urge to have kids will subside quicker than a woody after seeing naked pictures of Roseanne Barr

6. For the money:
Really the only reason for marriage… But having a sugar momma has severe drawbacks, mostly because of things like liver spots and dentures. Plus no guy wants to be seen at the local yacht club having to cut his wife’s meat into small and manageable pieces.

So in closing keep your sanity, your money and your freedom……stay single.

“Sex is great, if you are in a relationship. Otherwise, I find sex actually not so interesting. Without a relationship it is confusing.”
— Tom Cruise to Bild Magazine

Not sure how many of you are baseball fans but recently with all the steroids allegations and that the whole Balco case has been plea-bargained, I have focused some of my attention on Jason Giambi.

He was a Oakland Athletic and that meant he played my hometown team (The Mariners) on a regular basis and while he generally beat up on the M’s I always liked him as a player. He is the kind of athlete I always tend to gravitate to, he seems to always having fun while being at the ballpark. Its one of the things I notice less and less at in the new era of “all business all the time”. So many athletes have burned or just called out by reporters that they seem to have an almost stoic approach to the game nowadays.

When the whole steroid issue came up 18 months ago many many players were mentioned but I only recall one player apologizing for it. Giambi actually called a press conference and apologized to the fans and to his teammates and still a lot of the media criticized this move as well. As he is now a Yankee he kind of fell off my radar the past few years but I was very impressed by his willingness to take the blame for his health issues and to do it to a national audience. He was admitting he cheated and that he had tarnished the game, it was what everyone wanted to hear and yet somehow people were still disappointed.

It reminded me of when Pete Rose finally admitted he did gamble and was lying for 15 years. I was a huge fan of Pete’s because of how he played the game, he gave it everything he had, he ran out every hit and simply wanted to beat the other team more than they wanted to defeat him. But when he finally admitted he had cheated and gambled, he was forgotten a month later. The only reason he even told everyone he was lying was that he was trying to get into the hall of fame and because Bud Selig had advised he wouldn’t reinstate him without his coming clean. The very instant he did this, he lost his chance and Bud knew it, it was a con and Pete fell for it. I always sort of knew that Pete was lying but I felt that unless he fixed a game of bet on the another team that he still deserved the join The Hall. Now he is just a forgotten man.

This could have been the fate of Giambi as he was facing enormous scrutiny and was struggling at the plate like he never had before. But in the past two months he has turned his whole career around and actually has people speaking of his return to the player he was 3 years ago. And while ill never really cheer for him again as I just plain hate the Yankees, I will always hope that he can get back to the guy that smiled when he walked into a stadium and realized how lucky he was just to have one at bat the the bigs.

Part of the steroid scandal that I found interesting was how jaded it seemed that everyone that hadn’t played a professional sport before seemed. Drugs are such a huge part of sports nowadays. Football players get pain injections so much its as if they were just taking aspirin. They limp off the field to the locker room and 3 minutes later are seen running back on the field ready for more action. Ive never heard a fan say “I wish our star running back doesn’t think he can play on that twisted ankle cause it could shorten his career”. Vicadin is like Pez to these guys and even the owners know it. Speed or Greenies are so prevalent in baseball that they aren’t one of the drugs that are tested in the new agreement. Marijuana is so prevalent in the N.B.A. that they only test once a year and all the players know that the test is in the first week of the season. Why do you think that hardly anyone in the N.B.A. is ever suspended for drug use but that the NFL routinely suspends some of its best players?

It makes me wonder what I would do to become a millionaire or even just be a player in the NFL. I would easily take 10 years off my life to have a 10-year baseball career. If someone offered you 1 million dollars for 10 years of your life would you take it? Most people would take steroids in a heartbeat if it got them to the top of their profession. What would you do to ensure that your kids went to a great college, what would you do to make sure your parents retired in style? Its the whole risk reward mentality, a person will sacrifice so much just to get ahead because they can envision themselves wealthy and happy somewhere in the future. Its usually just a dream that wont come to fruition but its what keeps them going day after day after day.

Recently a friend of mine had his second kid and he is now officially domesticated. He actually used to be a pretty cool guy that you could go to a ball game with or just drink a beer or two while bbq’ing some brats. But ever since he had his first kid he has slowly, inch by inch, retreated into the role of family man and has even had to ask permission from the woman to do anything that she isnt involved in. So last week I called him and his voice mail message came on and his greeting proclaimed that it was both he and his wifes phone and to leave a message. This rocked me to the core!! He had changed his message on his mobile phone to a family friendly message. Now this is his mobile phone and not his home phone and also consider that his wife also has a mobile phone as well so without any doubt this can be considered his phone. The way the message sounded it was if he had merged both his wife and his name into one. I knew at that point in time that he was lost to a life of mini vans and poopy diapers and that I had to commemorate this passing with song:

Little ditty, about Mike and Jacki
2 American kids growin up in the hay fields
Mikey gonna be a cow milking star
Jacki’s visits the backseat of Mikeys car

Suckin’ on funnel cake outside the County Fair
Jacki’s sittin’ on Mikey’s lap, he starts brushing her hair
Mikey says, “Hey Jacki, wanna bite of my block of cheese?”
Peel off those Wrangler Jeans, now do what I please

Mikey says, oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of marriage is gone
Say uh, oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of havin kids is gone

Mikey sits back, collects his thoughts for the moment
Scratches his head and does his best Jimmy Dean
Well then there’s Jacki, who’s gotta run off to the big city
But as she takes his balls with her his life aint so pretty

Jacki says “Baby, you ain’t missin’ nothing”
Mikey says

Oh yeah life goes on
Long after the thrill of marriage is gone
Oh yeah they say life goes on
Long after the thrill of havin kids is gone

Gonna let it rock, let it roll
Let the bible belt, come and save my soul
Hold on to being single as long as you can
Changes come around real soon, make us women and men.

Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of marriage is gone
Oh yeah, they say life goes on
Long after the thrill of havin kids is gone

Little ditty, about Jack and Diane
Two American kids who have merged into one

Knew a guy named Mikey, oh where has he gone?
He got married to a woman and has now changed into one
She now keeps his balls in her purse
Mikey hopes that things wont get any worse

He can’t rock and he will never roll
Cause his wife has all the control
Some day he might become free
But not until Jacki lets go of his wee-wee

Everything starts somewhere so I guess I will begin today. These are the thoughts of a unemployed man that has no money, no woman and no real purpose.