Unemployed Ben

The Prologue: A while ago a writer I admire held a writing challenge and being competitive I took a swing at it but I am also pretty critical of my writing deleting most of what I do, so I never entered it. Today I came across it and it made me laugh so I guess enough time has passed to slip under the radar, so here is my entry which was done in a couple hours on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Description of the scene challenge:
An action scene/sequence suitable for a summer blockbuster. The only required element is the villain: BRICKHOUSE. He’s big and he’s strong. It’s up to you to decide whether that means he can throw cars or entire skyscrapers. Your hero can be super powered, gadget-enhanced or merely quick-witted. Your choice.

As the scene opens, Brickhouse has just grabbed an ancient staff from The City Museum of Ubiquities. You can decide whether the staff is merely valuable or has some other attribute. It’s also your choice whether the action takes place in the museum, outside, or some other locale.

Superhero Scene Title: But you’re a super hero
Author: Unemployed Retired Ben

A short stocky man in a velvet sleeping jacket and ascot stands by a large ornate four poster bed. He bends over and lightly shakes the shoulder of the inhabitant of the bed.

Jeeves: I know you just got to sleep Captain Fantastic but Brickhouse has escaped again.
Capt Fantastic: Of course he has, how long did they have him locked up this time?
Jeeves: Twenty-two minutes.
Capt Fantastic: Wow a new record, how did they manage to keep him that long?
Jeeves: They were serving beef stew for dinner, his favorite.
Capt Fantastic: Maybe I should apply for a corrections job, that way the bad guys won’t be able to escape.
Jeeves: What would you do with your nights then sir?
Capt Fantastic: I’ve always wanted to learn how to ice skate.
Jeeves: Won’t they bring back painful memories of how Dr. Ice killed your parents?
Capt Fantastic: Its been almost a full week since I’ve had that flashback, thanks for the reminder.
Jeeves: Oh sorry I just assumed something that tragic was with you everyday.
Capt Fantastic: Remind me why I keep you around?
Jeeves: You’re always forgetting your keys.
Capt Fantastic: Oh that’s right. So where is um… whats his name again?
Jeeves: Brickhouse.
Capt Fantastic: Oh yeah.
Jeeves: He just stopped by the museum, the one that keeps your only weakness under relatively weak security and he now has the Staff of Impending Doom.
Capt Fantastic: Well of course he does. Would reporters stop writing my life story in the paper every darn day. I mean can’t they leave out the whole only known weakness part of the article, don’t they like it when I save the city from complete destruction?
Jeeves: Oh that whole only weakness thing got out days ago, TMZ broke the story. I think they called the article foreshadowing.
Capt Fantastic: Maybe I should go to my place in the South Pole, no one ever bugs me down there.
Jeeves: Well except Dr. Ice.
Capt Fantastic: Would you shut up about him already.
Jeeves: Oh yeah, sorry. You sure are awful touchy this morning.
Capt Fantastic: Try getting the Eiffel tower thrown on your balls and see how you react.
Jeeves: I guess but it sure looked cool. So how are your boys doing?
Capt Fantastic: They hurt but they are hanging in there.
Jeeves: Hurt? But you’re a Superhero.
Capt Fantastic: Superman is the only one that doesn’t feel pain. Trust me, take away the supermodels and being a Superhero isn’t so great.
Jeeves: Flying has to be pretty cool.
Capt Fantastic: Ever had a bug hit your face while you are going 200 mph? Its like getting hit with a rotten grape full of blood and guts.
Jeeves: That is disgusting.
Capt Fantastic: But that’s nothing compared to hitting a seagull, they blow up like a water balloons. My dry cleaning bills are ridiculous, nothing gets out of suede.
Jeeves: Why don’t you wear a spandex suit like the other guys?
Capt Fantastic: Cause I’m not in a band with Bret Michaels.
Jeeves: Well not yet.
Capt Fantastic: There’s that fake British wit of yours again.
Jeeves: So don’t you think we should go, you know, save the day?
Capt Fantastic: The Staff of Impending Doom only paralyzes me so its no danger to anyone else, he has to find me first.
Jeeves: But he doesn’t know where you live.
Capt Fantastic: Until Lois writes a story about it tomorrow.
Jeeves: You did bring her here, sir.
Capt Fantastic: I thought I was going to be getting some Earthling lovin’ the second best loving in the universe next to…
Jeeves: Dr Ice?
Capt Fantastic: You’re fired.
Jeeves: You can’t fire me.
Capt Fantastic: And why is that?
Jeeves: Cause in the third act you find out that I’m your son.
Capt Fantastic: That makes no sense.
Jeeves: Nope, not at all.
Jeeves: And guess who delivered me?
Capt Fantastic: Don’t you say it.
Jeeves: Okay, Ill never mention Dr. Ice’s name again.
Capt Fantastic: How can you be my son, you’re forty years older and were my fathers butler for twenty years before becoming my wingman in 2000.
Jeeves: You don’t age, remember?
Capt Fantastic: You’re thinking of Superman again. I just age three times slower because of the earths rotation.
Jeeves: That doesn’t make any sense.
Capt Fantastic: Nope, not at all.

The Fantastic lair begins to shake, dust falls from the ceiling down onto Captain Fantastic’s hair, much like snow.

Capt Fantastic: We’re either going to have a product placement for Head & Shoulders or Mr. Brickface is on his way.
Jeeves: House, Brick House.
Capt Fantastic: Wasn’t that a Commodores song? Yeah, when Lionel Richie was still in the band.
Jeeves: Didn’t he get beat up by his wife?
Capt Fantastic: I believe he did. Well, maybe she should be my sidekick.
Jeeves: I’d rather work under Sue Storm anyways. Get it, under her?
Capt Fantastic: Oh I got it alright.
Jeeves: Not her too?

The ceiling is peeled off like the lid on a can of bean dip can, revealing a hugely muscular man with giant brink like hands who is looking down on them.

Brickhouse: So, this is your secret hideout.
Capt Fantastic: Not any more, you just tore the roof off it.
Jeeves: So how did you find us?
Brickhouse: That Lois chic is a real talker after sex, seriously just on and on and on.
Capt Fantastic: What? I never even got past 2nd base with her.
Brickhouse: Well, I started on 3rd.
Capt Fantastic: Started on third wow, hey that’s a good idea. Write that down Jeeves.
Jeeves: So how was the stew?
Brickhouse: Pretty good for prison food, the cornbread was a little dry though.
Capt Fantastic: Oh I’ll have to talk to the warden, he goes to my synagogue.
Brickhouse: You’re Jewish?
Capt Fantastic: I converted for Lois.
Jeeves: Awkward.
Brickhouse: Well enough of the chit chat, I demand that you declare me the ruler of earth or I will paralyze you with the staff of impending doom and then teleport you to the front row of every Celine Dion show.
Capt Fantastic: You wouldn’t.
Brickhouse: Try me.
Capt Fantastic: Okay fine, go ahead.
Brickhouse: What?
Capt Fantastic: I said okay, zap me with that thing, I could use a vacation.
Brickhouse: Really?
Capt Fantastic: Yeah, go for it.
Brickhouse: Well that’s kinda anti-climatic.
Capt Fantastic: C’mon its not even dark yet and we have already fought on the Moon, on the wings of a 747 while it flew through a hurricane, and then at the bottom of the ocean where you threw a giant octopus on my face.
Brickhouse: Yeah that was awesome, he sprayed you with his ink. But you forgot Paris and the whole Eiffel Tower thing.
Capt Fantastic: My balls haven’t.
Brickhouse: Sorry, I kinda broke the guy code on that one didn’t I? But you did have it coming after dating my sister.
Capt Fantastic: Oh yeah, has she recovered yet? Few things can prepare you for my pulsating phallus of fantastic proportions.
Brickhouse: How dare you, she is only seventeen.
Capt Fantastic: I like em young cause I’m really only 16, remember the whole earth rotation thing that I made up, oh…was that out loud?
Jeeves: Uh oh.
Brickhouse:AAARRRRGGGHhhhhhh. By the power vested in me and this staff of doom, I hereby unleash all its horrible power onto you Captain Fantastic.

Brickhouse grips the staff in his both hands lifting it over his head and looks to the heavens and lets out a might scream. The staff glows red and shoots out three golden ropes that fly towards the Captain at high velocity, when they reach him they bounce off his chest and fly back and wrap around Brickhouse.

Brickhouse: It was a trick, darn you CAPTAIN FANTASTIC!!!
Capt Fantastic: Hook line and sinker. The staff of impending doom, that’s what the cheerleaders nicknamed my penis in college.
Jeeves: Sucker.
Capt Fantastic: Don’t worry, they still might have some stew left.
Brickhouse: I sure hope so. See you in what, about an hour?
Capt Fantastic: Yeah sure. Make it 90 minutes and I won’t call your sister for a month.
Brickhouse: Deal.

As they fly through the torn off roof and towards the prison, their conversation continues.

Capt Fantastic: So did you hear the latest about Superman?
Brickhouse: No, what has he done now?
Capt Fantastic: He killed another prostitute.
Brickhouse: Blowjob?
Capt Fantastic: Yep, blew out the back of her head like a sniper rifle. They might charge him this time.
Brickhouse: Its not his fault that his sperm comes out going Mach 3.
Capt Fantastic: Talk about a mind blowing orgasm.
Brickhouse: Oh that is so bad.

A man wakes up sitting in a chair and he appears to be both groggy and in some pain. A light is suddenly pointed at his eyes and he reacts as if the light physically pains him.
What the hell is going on?
Realizing that he is restrained he looks downward and appears confused at first and then as if he is trying to figure something out.
Why am I tied to this chair and where am I?
You’ve been abducted.
Unless this is an alien mother ship or you think I am a six years old, the term you are looking for is kidnapped.
Oh yeah, you’ve been kidnapped.
Is that you Brian?
No, I am your abductee umm…kidnapper.
Seriously Brian, we have worked together for the past 3 years, I recognize your voice.
Oh darn, this isn’t going like it did in my head.
Well its not exactly my ideal day off scenario either.
Oh yeah sorry about that.
Just so that we are clear, you apparently drugged me then tied me up and put me in your trunk after which you drove me over to what I am guessing is your mothers basement and then duct-tapped me to this chair?
Yeah that sounds about right but drugged is kinda harsh, I just put like six or seven Ambien in your beer.
Six or seven Ambien? I should be fucking dead.
You can overdose on sleeping pills?
Are you seriously asking me that?
Uh…yes?
Yes Brian you can die from too taking too many sleeping pills and the combination only increases those odds.
I guess that’s why you’ve been asleep for two days.
Two days? Ive been kidnapped by a complete moron.
Hey, be nice or I’ll hit you or something.
Well yeah I kind of assumed you were going to kill me.
Why would you think that?
Well Brian in general terms when the person that is kidnapped finds out who has kidnapped him then I then become a witness and am expendable.
Expendable?
A liability.
Oh okay.
Would you like me to explain that again?
Yeah that would be great.
I can tell the police what you did and you will go to jail because this is actually illegal.
Oh wow, I just figured I would say it was a joke or something if I got caught.
Wow. Why don’t you tell me why exactly you did this.
Oh yeah, thanks I am a bit nervous. Please don’t tell anyone about these little hiccups in the beginning okay?
Oh of course not, just take your time.
Perfect, thanks man. Now what was I saying?
I have no idea you hadn’t even started yet.
Oh really I thought I had, just a sec.
The reason why you kidnapped me.
Oh yeah, well you know how you write things and stuff?
Yes, I am employed as a technical writer.
Yeah, well you have a cool website and a really clever Facebook page and stuff?
I guess, except I killed my Facebook account over a year ago.
Oh really, why?
Cause Zuckerberg’s a total douche.
You mean the guy that makes those Scary Movie sequels I love so much?
No…well actually sure that’s the guy, I mean why the hell not its just easier to agree with you.
Well I want you to do that for me, but even more clever and witty but with some classy stuff too.
You kidnapped me so that I could create you a Twitter account?
And a website.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Its just that no one wants to friend me or read my blog.
Shocking because stupid is so in right now.
Yeah, um what?
I just meant that when I turn on the TV or go online it appears as though people like you are dominating the airwaves, you know the explosion of awful TV shows and movies as well as every cool website ends up getting inundated with pictures of cats pondering its own ability to eat meat sandwiches.
Oh I love those pictures.
Exactly.
I would suggest doing what the large amounts of untalented people do on the net, just steal stuff outright and claim it as your own, you know like Ebaum’s World or Gizmodo.
Can that work?
It can and does.
The key is not actually crediting the creator, then you’ll get labeled as a blog spammer. Give credit and you’ll get boycotted, outright steal and you’ll be celebrated for your originality and collect loads of money and fame.
I knew this was a good idea.
Before we get started though you should clean your 50″ plasma and your 27″ iMac with some Windex, it can get awful dusty in here. If it doesn’t seem like its working right away, just press harder and use more.
Thanks for all your help.

February 13, 1970, Birmingham’s Black Sabbath released their self titled debut LP to the world. The music was rumored to have been spawned in hell one weekend after a Yahtzee game attended by Mephistopheles, Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, Bill Ward & Hugh Hefner. This would begin a musical revolution that would lead to ritualistic virgin sacrifices at the end of all rock concerts or at least that’s what parents all over the globe seemed to think. The only real danger the quartet posed was to the worlds cocaine supply which they all attempted to snort over the next four years. Bolivia to this day sends all four members Christmas cards to thank them for the business.

They would come to be known as the pioneers of heavy metal and were credited with ending the peace and love music trend that why still in the air at the time was barely able to muster the energy it took to shake its death rattle, mostly because of the December 6, 1969 Altamont Free Festival of Death Sponsored by your friendly neighborhood Hells Angels.

So 40 years ago today, the devil started a band so he could play a demonic guitar and scare all the old people away. Oh and encourage women to wear tight leather clothing.

I don’t have a fucking clue about what other people are into or care about. You see I hate people and not just American Idol people, Brett Favre fans, or pretentious LA hipster wannabe’s with half written coming of age novels. Oh I hate them too but nearly everyone else as well. Now there are some people I tolerate, most of those being women. At least the ones that allow me to celebrate the human form, most notably theirs. Women, well some women, can be nice to have around in small doses.

They are not unlike a ball and glove, something you can spend a few hours a week hitting the sweet spot with but have plenty of time to live the rest of your life. But in the beginning, like most relationships, you end up spending all your time with it trying to break it in to your liking. You probably even let it sleep in your bed being naive enough to think you are making some kind of spiritual connection but after awhile you realize that it just takes up space and dirties up the sheets. And soon it starts making demands like needing to have the newest and most exotic glove oils to keep up with the cool kids. It pretends to not even know the people it used to hang out with and now just calls them the freaks behind the school, you knowing that the catcher and first base gloves are actually pretty cool and even though they might wear too much eye black its what makes them who they are.

That’s when you realize there will always be other gloves, some will fit better than others and some will just get left behind at the ballpark one day because they don’t mean all that much to you. Then you begin to realize what all women really are, just a hunk of dead skin that can be bought pretty easily.

However there is a quality that I fall for every time in a woman, luckily its incredibly rare and goes against the core of their very being. Its knowing when to shut the fuck up. They don’t even need to be told when to display this rarest of rare talents either, they just know. Its a lot like when you first make a connection with a woman that isn’t a prostitute, or at least isnt charging you up front, you know working the long con. You never have to reinforce the fact that you are having a good time together by saying it out loud over and over, like wow this is fun or this band kicks ass or wow that was absolutely the most mind numbing orgasm ever given to a woman in the back seat of a ‘78 Camaro. You don’t need to say anything because you know its true and saying it out loud would diminish it somehow. Silence is the most underrated commodity in the world. If more women knew that, the world would be a far less violent place.

Alcohol and women can’t be combined in the most violent lands this world has ever known, this is not a coincidence. Its hot, its sandy and you don’t allow scantily clad women to get drunk or serve you drinks for the same purpose. Hey Middle East, Las Vegas used to be just like you. No one wanted to come there other than in a passing car, a train, or a plane some 20k feet in the air. Cocktails, Bikinis, and promiscuity….the solution to all of lifes problems.

We are all running out of time. Most can’t see it because they are so young but the older we get the faster it goes. Before long, if we are one of the lucky ones, we will be laying on a bed, gaunt and sickly, begging for just one more lucid thought to express to those around us just how fast it went and how time becomes such a cruel thing when you are almost out of it. It mocks you as you lie there waiting for the inevitable, there is no light or great perspective or even a moment of clarity where suddenly it all makes sense. All that greets you is fear and regret, its all encompassing and terrifying, and then you are gone forever and the world just moves on as if you were never actually there.

Someone appears to be stealing my internet persona and attempting to co-op laziness. You sir are at least four years too late.

Golly gee wiz, it sure has been a really long fucking time since I contributed anything to this site. To be honest it mostly has to do with the lack of comments regarding my sublime buttocks. Is it that hard to make me feel like the wild stallion I undoubtably am? I have never been uncomfortable with receiving compliments so dont let that stop you.

Recently I learned some things, one of them being that sitting in front of a computer typing mundane opinions about shitty movies is not all that rewarding. The second is that I live on the water. How and when did that fucking happen? I mean you would think it would be obvious to me that a mere 50 feet from my front door is a beach, I guess that really must give you an idea of how powerful the drugs I have taken are.

In reference to this whole living on the water thing, I have come to the realization that if I go outside for prolonged amounts of time you begin to notice things that the other ‘water people’ do, like the many different floating objects you can lay upon and drift aimlessly until you either run out of beer or your weed high starts to fade. Perhaps that chic in that movie where she isn’t being humped by vampires would like to join me while I float on stuff, I think this could happen because she always looks super high and I usually have weed and lets face it women with nice boobies don’t like to pay for weed.

That reminds me about the 3rd time I ever scored weed. I had interrupted my dealer and his woman getting it on (in the parlance of our times), so she ended up answering the door using her arm to shield her boobies, which was awesome. The story continues with the dealer being pretty preoccupied with his womans state of undress so he just kept scooping more and more weed into the baggie. So not only did I see some awesome boobies I also got the ever elusive buy one gram and get three for free deal, which actually doesn’t exist so don’t ask cause you’ll just get that look from Saul, you know Saul right, he sells weed.

Sidenote: About a year later that very same topless drug dealer girlfriend called me crying about how her man called her a coke whore due to her having sex with a guy who offered (which she accepted) her some cocaine. I let her do all the talking and weeping cause I was like 15 and had no idea what to say. So a week later she had me drop by her place to tell me how supportive I had been and that her breakup was for the best. A few minutes later she asked my opinion on some new clothes she had just bought ending the show with some panties which she insisted on modeling for me, they had little strawberries on them. For some reason they looked better on the floor. She was my first natural blonde. Without weed this never could have happened, hooray for weed.

So the moral of the story kids is that while computers are cool for masturbation and stealing songs they have yet to make a topless drug dealer chic appear out of nowhere and bone you big time for doing nothing but listening to her whine about stuff you forgot as soon as she hung up the phone. So get out there and do stuff, cause doing stuff is much better than writing about how Vegan vampires make no fucking sense.

PS: Do 20 yr old topless blonde girls that want to model underwear for me still exist? I sure hope so, cause I love strawberries…

I am officially sick of all the articles announcing to the world that Seattle just had the worst year in the history of professional sports. You know what city had a worst season? Every fucking city too shitty to even have a team and I’m looking at you Austin with your bloated festival, the one that has more shitty bands playing on the sidewalks than all the crappy L.A. bands who moved to Seattle in the early 90’s trying to get in on some of the sloppy seconds record deals. So take your fried plantains and shove them up your pretentious ass, that is if you can remove those way too fucking tight designer jeans. I hope I wasn’t too subtle, if so then I apologize.

I’m from Seattle, now go fuck yourself.

It seems to be a widespread opinion that Religion and Politics are the two things that people shouldn’t talk about. I don’t agree as these are the things that indicate what a person is truly all about. I want to know if someone thinks that a talking snake and a virgin birth is the basis for all humanity. If they think that Roe Vs Wade will be overturned if they just elect a conservative.

Why is that the people that have no interest in looking at all sides of an issue always seem to be the most passionate? They can be angry, mean and usually have unwavering commitment to their beliefs. They don’t want to hear from the opposition and will do anything to distort what the other side has to say. They will lie, cheat and even condone acts of hatred as long as those people are on their side.

This is why I am always leery of someone that is too passionate about Religion and Politics. Its great to have an opinion but if someone believes something you don’t, it doesn’t mean that it takes anything away from your beliefs. No one is saying you are wrong, they simply are saying they don’t agree with you that a man rose from the dead and turned water into wine or that a man that has $30 million and a dozen houses knows how a blue collar family struggles to live on $35k a year.

Many are inexperienced at things until they start doing them. There is no training for being President, no apprenticeship. It’s the people that one surrounds themselves with that will help determine their success. Hiring only friends and people that unflinchingly agree with you will never be the best path. Hiring and appointing people that disagree with you creates a need for debate and in the end gives everyone a larger perspective and the opportunity for fresh ideas to burgeon and grow. Changing your mind is both healthy and empowering as it means you have seen a different perspective that can and will influence future decisions. The greatest and most successful leaders in our country have used this template to ensure that they are given all sides to a particular issue. Lets hope this is where we are headed in the relatively near future.

In the next couple of months I will be heading to Seattle and then Portland, before embarking on my return to academia. Even if the classes don’t or cant lead to anything its still knowledge gained and that is never a bad thing. Debating whether to take GIS or Geographic Information Systems classes as it seems to be smart thing to get into and try to stay out in front of as it is a young and promising industry.

On another note their seems to be an odd vibe in this country right now, its as if we are waiting for widespread economic disaster that could happen at any time. The nearly $4.00 a gallon gas isn’t inspiring any confidence in anything but OPEC and the big three. I’m basically ready for the next depression, so bring it on, as I have been living a pretty frugal lifestyle for some time now. Not having a couple hundred in cash at all times was a hard adjustment to make for me, but I got through it. To be honest I would like the housing market to crash where I live as its at least 60% inflated. Might sound harsh but isn’t that what living in a small town is all about?

Hilary claims victory really really early in the night and it pisses me off and then a couple hours later she wins Cali. I mean WTF Cali, I like you most of the time but last night you were Oakland Raider fan. The guy thats too loud in the movie theater, the taxi driver who takes the long way around, and the psycho first date all rolled into one.

Barrack still did really really good and the states he won he dominated and yet some people just aren’t paying attention, I’m looking at you Cali. He will do really well in the next month as the momentum is still building and I am sure he will have a landslide in Washington, mostly because we just get it here.

I hope that women in general aren’t thinking if they don’t vote for Mrs Clinton that they are letting down their sex, it still boils down to who is the best person to lead and lets be honest she has been taking money from some very nasty people and a whole lot of it. Plus she made Bill defend her as rightfully he should but it just made him look so un-presidential.

And then all of a sudden a chill ran down my spine…no politician that I ever wanted to win ever ends up winning. Even locally, not even in high school. I guess there is always a first…hopefully.

And yet I sent a random text message to a friend and asked if he was psyched about Super Tuesday. He responded with a succinct ‘Fuck Politics’, in the end he might be right. Election night in 2004 was one of the worst nights in my life so maybe I would be better off without it. I guess it makes me feel apart of a bigger thing.

Check back with me in 9 months and we shall we if I have that same point of view…

‘It aint no joke at xmas to be broke’
T-Bone

As you might be able to tell I have been watching a lot of The Wire lately and its made me consider putting a package onto the street so that I dont have to sell my kidney on the black market.

One of my uncles is loaded, no I mean seriously he is Mr. Bank. He sold a regional cable company that he owned (and built) to Paul Allen’s company Vulcan Enterprises in the late 1990’s. He had worked very hard to build the company so when it sold it was good to see the little guy rake in some cash for once. No one knows how much he sold it for as it was a private company but it was at least in the low seven figures and probably a lot more.

As soon as he sold it he realized he no longer had any thing to do, so he decided to start taking classes in an area of interest and then put the skills he learned into action. But he did this a little differently than most of us would or could. Example: He went to wooden boat school for a year and then built his own 50 foot sailboat. He learned about cabinet making and bought 200k worth of equipment for his personal shop, to date he has only made cabinets for his own house some 6 years later.

And this all leads to his new venture, he went to school to learn about greenskeeping. You might have already figured this out by now but he has now just finished his 9 hole golf course on his property. The first nine of a planned 18. The course has sand traps, a full state of the art drainage irrigation system, and even tee boxes. The odd thing is, well he hates golf. Hates people that like to golf. Thinks its a waste of real estate. So why did he build it? Because he needs something to occupy his time and a way to spend his money. He is not the type of guy that will ever buy a Rolls or even a beach house in Hawaii, he drives a VW van that has about 400k miles on it.

And I am sure he is not alone in this lifestyle, there are people all across this land that have no idea how to spend their bank vaults full of money. They feel guilty spending it without having a practical reason and something to show for it.

So I have decided to start an new endeavor, Unemployed Ben’s money spending school. I will teach these lucky bastards how to spend money guilt free, ya know just like Republicans do.

What two things does it say when someone buys you an axe? It’s either good luck on that burgeoning serial killer career or add this to your collection you manly lumberjack you. I am neither of these things. I have chopped wood of course but not in awhile. I have thrown axes and hatchets before but not since my hard drinking days. So here I am the proud owner of a carbon steal blade that I could probably cut a car in half with, seriously this thing might be a tad overkill for even Paul Bunyan.

So what to do. I would shit myself if I saw me walking down the street wielding this bad boy, so maybe I could start a protection service in my beach community. ‘Pay me 10% of all your money or I don’t leave the axe home tomorrow’, would be our motto. Yep I see big things because of this.

So everyone seems to have Rock Band and its cool to play but I just never envisioned my older family members being so interested in a video game. Let alone the music being a lot of what I grew up on, this made for a few odd glances at the family gathering.

Went a different route with the food this year, hand served and that meant no casserole dishes packing the table (thank Jebus) . No, this was Cognac Creme’ Roasted Reds, Prime Rib with a port reduction, and dessert by TBone himself. This is the tradition I want to see repeated over and over again. Fuck that turkey and ham bullshit.

T:Mobile - The once innovative wireless provider has become an also ran, their seemingly foolish choice not to build out the network and stay ahead of the curve has led to its demise. If and when they get a serious high-speed wireless data they will be so late to the table it wont matter. AT&T might not be much better but they have the iPhone, what do you have? A Dash, a SideKick, and zero high end Nokia handsets make us wonder maybe a executive from Walmart wasn’t the best decision to let run a wireless company during a time where there couldn’t be more on the line. John Stanton and Bob Stapleton built the company that had all the wireless companies scared with huge activation numbers which some even counteracted by switching their networks to GSM. Spending money stopped when Deutsch Telekom came along and along with them all the baggage of a large company.

Prediction for 2008: Much of the same and will find no real answer for the future of wifi, a huge part of their wireless strategy, and one that is perilous at best when demands for free wifi access are at an all time high.

Microsoft: Vista was slow, bogged down with trial software, and damn expensive to be able to run its most entertaining features. Not to mention the fact that the lack of drivers for peripherals made it impossible to not have a dual boot system unless you wanted to brick both high and low end products that a lot of people have built up over time. To simply have the view that people should buy new products or be very very patient is a sad state of affairs for a company that can do so many things so well and yet other times look like a startup, and a poor one at that.

User account control. Who stood up at a meeting with this idea? And who in the world then agreed with it? Pop Ups will save the day? This just might be the biggest misjudgment of the decade, note to Microsoft we do not like things ruining our experience. Once click should keep us safe and be enough to know we want our computers safe from prying eyes and from malicious code that destroys our data and privacy. And how about doing all this when the computer is in sleep mode and not when we are home and awake on a weeknight.

Entire computer industry - Why so slow to innovation? Video game consoles are dominating you in the fun factor and you have had little response. I want to play every game that is on a console on my computer, why would anyone leave this massive revenue stream so barren?
And why cant I yet literally walk into my computer with full touch controls for a hugely immersive experience. Monitors should bend around us and let us become a part of the game.

When people saw the Minority Report computer interface their collective jaws dropped and then wanted it for their own. Its now five years later and we are still pointing and clicking. We are past the time where our computer at our jobs and the ones we have in our homes should even remotely be the same. And sticking a webcam into a monitor is not a great leap forward, thats where we all hang them correct?

Saw some guys from my old days as a working man and watched football at a 7 plasma bar, I being the apparent pussy of the bunch was ordering Cranberry juice while my cohorts were downing pitchers and nachos at 10am. Shit I even nodded off once or twice in the first half, not too unlike the Seahawks. It felt like a let down game and it became one. A trip to the East Coast with nothing really to play for, can do that for a team. However the papers this morning made it seem the Hawks were shutout 45-0, calling them fatally flawed and destined to be seen only on golf courses after the first round. Reporters tend to be a little harsh around here when they have to watch a boring football game, makes it hard to write about the game itself so there must be some underlying story about failures so obvious its a surprise that the PlayBook hasn’t been sent to every defense coordinator in advance of all the remaining games.

Good to see and hang with some old friends though, things feel very different and yet the same all at once. These are good guys living good lives and they deserve it, a tad too focused on work though maybe. As we worked in the same company and building for a few years one of them hasn’t missed a day of work in like a decade and the other went a sketchy part of our country to help out the company, well at least it wasn’t Tampa Bay.

Just email me with your invite request for Grand Central

There is an expression that I really dig and its not something that I come across as much as I used to. The phrase is ‘They just get it”. Its not something that is easily explained, it can show up in a simple nod or perhaps even a joke told in the back of a bar but when it happens there is this unmistakable sense of recognition that tells you the person in front of you is cut from the same cloth. Its usually followed by a hey or whoa and that is all is needed.

This can also go for people you haven’t met, take Judd Apatow for instance, he just seems to get it. His writing is dead on with the way a lot of people talk and act, even if it offends. This couldn’t be any more apparent than in his newest movie Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story and in particular the following scene.

How obvious is that scene and yet it appears for the first time in 2007. Something so natural and yet so dang funny, as if you were just talking to a friend. Looking forward to this one as all the Ray’s, Doors, and Walk the Line needed a little mocking.

The words of a guy that just gets it:

I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.

Well if you were a man, I’d punch you. Punch you right in the mouth.

I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

I’m gonna punch you in the ovary, that’s what I’m gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.

We are laughing and we are very good friends. Good buddies sharing a special moment…laughing and enjoying our friendship, and someday we’ll look back on this with much fondness.

Sorry about the previous days of blogging, I told you the rust needed to be shaken off or more like sandblasted off with a million throwing stars.

In watching some recent sports highlights I am amazed at how much influence the referee still has on games, they make about 100k a year and can change the direction of the entire multi-billion dollar league. Seems to me even more mistakes still occur, sure the 10 camera angles help us see the miscues a whole lot easier but shouldn’t the goal of any league be to just get the call right. This is part of the reason I paled back my interest in sports and thats brings up an interesting question, where does interest become fanaticism?

More than a few times I questioned why I needed to know who the backup tight-end of the Jets was and why I felt the need to ponder if he had to play, how that might effect the teams weak side pass protection. Now consider that I don’t like the Jets and that this knowledge is only useful if I am a scout for the NFL or a obsessed fantasy football geek.

Very few of the people I hang around with would see this as a problem, actually it would be considered as an asset. However, there is a line you cross when it goes from wants to needs and obsession begins to creep into the picture, then that line is awful fuzzy. Its the highs and lows that make it so damn interesting, a roller coaster of emotions and if you come out on the winning side it can make you feel invincible. I won, so in the end if felt good at the end of the day or year but that doesn’t exclude some door slamming, desk kicking and even a few shattered CD’s. It became less fun and more like a chore, I essentially treated it like a job and the actually games were irrelevant even with my hometown Seahawks, sure I rooted for them but not if it could cost me a fantasy game.

So took a step back and it feels good, I don’t watch a game unless I want to. I don’t have to read the sports page or even worry about things like injury reports, which coach is on the hotseat or why Terrell Owens is such a gigantic tool. I let others take up where I left off and to them it might be a more enjoyable experience, I was holding on too tight and for something as silly as rooting for some millionaires to beat other millionaires in a half a billion dollar stadium I helped build and maintain with my taxes and $7 beers. Not a real complaint it just seems I am more distant from the modern athlete than at anytime in my life.